Exercise - to post or not to post: that is the question.

Humans, this is the exercise video I do every other day (on the no run days) and it makes me want to die. Notes: 1. I don't do the full exercise; it's too hard and after years of sitting on the couch, I need to ease myself in. 2. I DO NOT remember jumping jacks being so hard. 3. During these exercises, I'm constantly reminded that my leg and core (ab) strength is in the tank. I hope that in time I start to find these less "impossible" and start to feel stronger in my body. Feeling how weak I am stinks. 4. I decided to do my workout today in the early part of the day because I am heading into work this afternoon, and then attending a work supper tonight and knew that would mean a 9:00 p.m. workout after a full day of zero Jeff time. 5. I'm glad it's not even 11:00 a.m. yet and the workout is already done. 6. My god, do I need a shower. 7. It's EFFING difficult to do a workout at home with the kids. Every time I got on the ground to do an ab exercise, Gray tried to sit on me. They also both kept walking in front of my phone where I had the video playing, so I couldn't see. So, in addition to gasping for that glorious, life-giving oxygen like a woman in labour, I was also trying to get the kids to not get in the way of the workout completely. 8. I look like a total goon doing half of these things. I actually laugh out loud at myself sometimes. Thank god no one sees this crap. 9. When I do the cardio parts I can always feel my belly fat jiggling around which is effing gross and actually makes me more motivated to keep going. I'm going to *try* to wear a bikini to the beach this summer... and do it without feeling so self-conscious that I just want to have the kids bury me in the sand the whole time. 9a. My belly is the main reason I started exercising. I don't care about my weight. I don't care about having a perfectly flat stomach, but I am sick of feeling like I have to dress in layers because I am embarrassed by my how my belly looks. (This is just my judgement on how I feel in my body; this is NOT a judgement I am making on how all bodies should look.) I am toying with the idea of taking a picture of how I really look (in a bikini) so that: 1.) People can see what I'm talking about because I think half the people think I'm full of crap. 2.) Showing everyone who thinks I'm "skinny" that I have a normal, bumpy body like everyone else and while, yes, we all have different variations of that, no one's body is perfect. (Okay, maybe some people's are "perfect" but I vote we stop talking to those a-holes.) 3.) So that every month I can take a picture in the same bathing suit to track my progress. My concerns with posting this kind of photo are many: 1. I don't want people to think I'm just doing it for attention (but then I recognize that I can't control how other people respond. I can only control my own actions and if I know that my motivations are pure, eff what everyone else thinks.) 2. I am scared to show people what I actually look like. No more hiding under 2 shirts that (somewhat) mask my belly flab. And there you have it, people. Now, I am toting my munchkins off to my mom's so I can come home and get in that much-needed shower. Have a wonderful day yous people.

How do you blog again?

That's a thing, right? Forgetting how to blog. I'm sure it is, so in this post, I'm just going to say a bunch of random things. Some will be personal and wildly inappropriate, but I suppose if you continue reading, you will simply have to accept this risk.

1. Tonight, was bath night for the boys. I uttered these words:
"Grayson, get your head off of brother's butt. We don't put our heads on people's butts, okay?"

2. I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I think that they (you know, engineers and science-folk) need to come up with a way to harvest the energy from cat purrs. Can you imagine if you could lower your energy bill by keeping your cat happy? We would have no homeless cats, all happy cats, and a less-stressed society. It's win-win-win, really.

3. Tonight, Jeff made me a tortilla-type soup as I requested. He did this while I took nap. I mean, seriously. #WINNINGwithHim

4. Remember how before you had kids, you and your spouse would go to kids' movies at the theatre purely by choice? Yeah. I remember that.

5. I have noticed that when I am ovulating (this might be the TIM portion...), I get bloated. My stomach actually looks significantly bigger. I'm talking three months pregnant bigger. Also, my skin breaks out. I mean, this seems like bad evolutionary planning to me, no? Would the cavemen have been lining up? I think not.

6. Speaking of my body, I have gained about 10 1/2 pounds since going on my anti-depressants for anxiety. Where has it gone you ask? Well, I'll tell you: 1) my stomach 2) my thighs 3) my boobs 4) my butt. And in that order. I mean, really, why can't it go to the boobs first?

I'm toying with the idea of posting more about the weight gain. I've never been a person who was "unhappy" with their body. I mean, sure, there has always been a long list of things I don't like, but I'm certain everyone has that list. But this is new territory for me. But posting about weight brings up a whole host of other issues that I would open those blogs posts with, so I'm really hesitant to start up posts about my weight. I worry about what kind of reaction I'll get from people (negative) and I also don't want it to be viewed as an attempt to garner attention and those, "no, you look great" comments. I remind myself that the reality is that I have no control over how people respond to things that I post, so it has to come back to me and the question: is this something you feel comfortable sharing and will it benefit you in any way to post it? And I'm just unsure about the answer to either of those questions. So, for now, I wait.

7. You know what I love about being a grown-up? Picking out my own cereal. That's seriously the best. I open our cereal cupboard and it's all the cereals that I want. It's pure happiness in that cupboard.

Signing off for now. Lucky I'll likely be back with more random posts cause, I'll tell ya, some of the random crap that runs through my mind... well... it needs to be shared.

Oh, and Happy Easter.

Bloggity Vacay

I've been MIA, as you might have guessed from a complete lack of posts.

I'm not back. Well, maybe I am; I'm not sure.

I do think I need to get back into doing my three good things. I am disappointed that I stopped.

Things have been... tough lately. And I'm feeling busy - but who isn't, really.

The truth is that I've been feeling pretty low. Fairly anti-social and anti-going-out. I'm good to talk to people over text, or via email, but for some reason, the thought of getting showered and dressed appropriately, and putting on makeup and brushing my teeth, and going out to chat with someone for a few hours, is the last thing I want to do. And I don't know why.

The people that I would do this with and for are amazing people. They are funny, fun, entertaining, kind, kick-ass advice providers, and all those other things you want in a coffee date, but I just want to stay home and be by myself.

I don't feel depressed, but I do feel a certain level of low -- a certain level of frustration and disappointment in my relationships; a feeling that I think has caused me to throw out a "whatever" and retreat inward. I have been feeling this way for weeks... a month maybe, and it's getting worse.

Today, for the first time since feeling this way, I mostly just feel like having a good cry. I'm struggling to pinpoint why my feelings are leaning in this way, but thankfully, I see my therapist on Wednesday and I'm hoping to dig into some of this with her.

I hope that no one reading this thinks this is in any way about them. This isn't about any one particular person and, I promise, this is about me. I know that it is. It's just a matter of sitting down and spending some time figuring out why I am feeling so off lately.

I'm sorry that my first post back in such a long time is a depressing one, but this is the reason I've been struggling with coming back. The blog has been heavily on my mind for weeks, but I just haven't been in a place to really write a post. The desire has been absent. But maybe just saying this - getting it out there - is what I need. I need to give myself good blog.

I certainly wouldn't call this good blog; by far, not my best, but sometimes you take what you can get in this world.

DAY 133 - Friday, February 3, 2017 - Because the HUSBAND WILL BE IN THE HIZZLE PIZZLE

Yes. Caps.

Jeff's flight was supposed to be in at 8:00 p.m. tonight, but it was delay after delay, after delay and now, it is midnight and he just texted me to let me know he's in a cab on his way home. It's been a long day for him and I feel bad. But, he'll be home in the next 15 minutes. I can't wait to wake up with him tomorrow.

Aside from the fact that Jeff will be home, these are some of the good things my day brought:

1. As a part of the boys' bedtime routine, I read them books together in Gray's room and then we turn off the lamp, and Carter waits for me by the door while I give Grayson a good cuddle. I hold him like a baby and he snuggles right in. It's the best. Tonight, though, he was hugging me back. He put his hand inside the sleeve of my sweater (by my shoulder) to rub my arm, just as I was rubbing his back, and he wrapped his other arm around my other side. It felt like he was trying to cuddle me back.

2. Before books started, Carter "read" one of the books to Grayson. He can't read, of course, but he has a good deal of the story memorized. It was one of those moments that gave way to an emotional exhale.

3. Sometimes, when I watch Carter interact with Grayson, I can see that he's reproducing my actions, my words, my tone of voice, etc. It's so neat to see and, though I guess I would say that I'm a nurturing mom, you never really see yourself in action. But when Carter does so many of the things that he does to and with his baby brother, it's a mirror that reflects my interactions with Gray. It's comforting to see that Carter has picked up on the nurturing side of my parenting. It reminds me that it is important to model that behaviour to him.

Oh, people. I am falling asleep sitting up at this point. Also, I think there is a car in my driveway. This means that it's time for me to go.

DAY 132 - Thursday, February 2, 2017 - Because the Bad Moods Dissipate

It is Thursday night at 10:46 and I sit in my obnoxiously large bed alone for the last night. Tomorrow night, Jeff will be home. *exhale*

Today was a workday and I felt deflated for most of the day, but as I made my way to the babysitter's to pick up my boys, my mood started to shift. I expected this to happen. My "low" moods are typically short-lived. A few good things helped move me back into happy, patient-mom mode.

1. The babysitter sent me this text today:
My two are the two on either end. I just can't handle all of the cuteness in this picture and I LOVE that she sent me the text. It's the best middle-of-the day pick-me-up. (God, I love hyphenating words!)

2. I got to hear Jeff's voice today. We had a quick phone call. My god, I miss that man. We have been together for almost 12 years and I still feel like someone with a crush. It's weird and freaking awesome.

3. The evening with the kids went really well. Everyone ate well and was mostly happy and well behaved. Bedtime was easy, for once, and everyone fell asleep quickly and with no tears. HELLS YES to that.

DAY 131 - Wednesday, February 1, 2017 - Because Motherhood is Hard Sometimes

I struggled through motherhood today. It was an early, long day with no break. Gray didn't nap. Carter woke me up crazy early this morning and because he was up so early, he was just a grouch ass all day. I didn't sit down to do something pleasant for even five minutes. Finding the moments of joy in they day were rough, but they were there and, in spite of the fact that I seriously considered giving them away, they have to do with the kids.

1. Grayson climbed out of his crib for the first time today. This is what lead to the no-nap.

As usual, I read Gray his books before naptime. When I put him in his crib he had no interest in actually laying down so I told him I would stay and I sat on the chair. He spent, probably 20 minutes running around in his crib and goofing off. He was happy, but definitely not sleeping. I gave up and left because I was starved out. He got pissed off when I left and started to protest with dramatic cries for "mama." Screw that; Mama was hungry.

So I heat up some food and get to the living room to sit down on the couch next to Carter. Gray was actually being quiet and I thought maybe he fell asleep and then heard a bang, but it wasn't any louder then when he kicks the wall (which he does all the time) and that's exactly what I thought it was. But then it sounded like his sound machine was louder and that's when I knew: holy shit, his door must be open. Now standing in front of the couch, half hunched over like I'm going to sit, staring down the hallway and out he comes, traipsing down the hallway in his sleep sack. It was the most hilarious sight I've ever seen. I'm not sure what made it so funny. How he was walking in the sleep sack, both awkwardly and nonchalantly at the same time.

It probably doesn't sound all that funny, but I nearly died laughing. I was just in total shock.

So, apparently, it's time to get him a toddler bed :-/

2. Looking in on Gray when he was "reading" himself books in his room and seeing that he was literally "reading" every single book on his shelf. He made quite the mess, but I sat there watching him "read" for about 30 seconds, just smiling like a crazy woman. It's so neat to watch them develop.

3. Playing Snakes and Ladders with my Carter Cute Pants. Grayson was right all up in my business, which made it difficult, but I was the queen of freaking multitasking today. There's nothing quite like having two people talk to you at the same time all day.

And with that, my empty bed awaits my tired, slightly grouchy and low self, so it's time to hit the hay.

G'night.

DAY 130 - Tuesday, January 31, 2017 - Because Motherhood

Today didn't get off to the best start, but once I got into work, things improved. I had a good day at the office and was looking forward to picking up my little lads at the end of the day. All of my good things have to do with the kids, so this is going to be a pretty lame mom post. I'd say I'm sorry, but that would be a lie.

1. I dropped Carter's preschool application off before I got into work today.

I remember when we bought this house, seeing how close that school was and thinking that would likely be the school that our kids attended. I remember walking into the house for the very first time and thinking, "one day, I will put a little person in a backpack in this landing before walking them down the street to school every day." I hadn't pictured moments like that in any house we'd seen up to that point. This house was the 14th house that we saw.

And now, that moment with the backpack and the walk down the block is one in my direct line of sight.

I know it's so annoying to talk about how much I can't believe we're at this stage, but I can't. For me, parenthood is a strange thing that way; there are these milestones that, at one time, feel like they are light years away and, yet, they are in your present before you've fully comprehended your past. I also think that before the babies show up, there are a bunch of milestones that are marker moments that you imagine over and over. You find out your pregnant *marker*; you give birth *marker + stitches*; baby is one month old *marker*; baby is six months old *marker*; baby turns one year, starts walking, starts talking... *marker, marker, marker*. For me there is a disbelief in those moments because I imagined them for so long and so many times over. And, now they are upon us. They have moved from fantasy into reality. It's a weird transition for my brain to make.

And now I have a five-year old who will be attending kindergarten in the fall. I am soon to be the mom of a kindergartener.

2. Gray was so funny this evening. Lately, he pulls himself up onto the chair in his room and insists on reading himself books, "Grayson read." And so, tonight, he sat on my lap and read his own books. One of the books he read was "Twinkle, Twinkle, You're My Star." He sang it... and danced while he sang. I mean... holy crap. Another one was, "How Do Dinosaurs Act When They're Mad." We read this book a lot, so he knows the basics of what a lot of the pages say. I sat there in that chair thinking about how he was our surprise baby and relishing in how complete he has made our lives and our family. He's such a little personality already and he's such a smart little monster.

3. After I read books to Carter, I didn't lay down with him like I usually do because I hadn't eaten supper and I was starved out. I told him I'd come back after I got some food into my gullet. After eating, as I walked into his room, we nearly ran into each other in his doorway; he was coming out to see where I was. "You done your pizza now, Mom?" "Yup, I was just coming in to lay with you." He smiled, and grabbed my hand, "Come on, Mom."

We crawled into his bed and had our usual argument over who loves who more. Then he threw himself at me to give me the biggest hug. He's still pretty affectionate for a five year old. I know that will become less and less as he gets older, but I secretly hope that he's always a mama's boy.

And those were the pleasantries of my day. Those were the moments where I thought, "this really is the best that it can possibly be: this, right here -- how I feel in this moment. Like I couldn't be more in love." Those are the moments that sustain the rest of life - the hard and mundane parts. At least, that is my truth.

DAY 128 - 129 - Sunday, January 29 & Monday, January 30, 2017 -

Still behind! You're shocked. I can tell. I'll get better this week -- I promise. I think I promise.

I'm feeling a fair bit of anxiety these last few days. Jeff is leaving for work for the week, then he and I are on a little getaway of our own, and then he's right back out of the country for work. How unsettled our home life is brings me anxiety. I am old and boring; this means that I like routine and incredibly lame stability. I know I can have that with the just the kids and I, but I miss Jeff a lot when he's gone and feel like this next month is just going to be very fractured... for lack of a better word.

But, good things? Sure.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

1. We went for brunch with my family and we went to the very hotel in which Jeff and I got married. They actually had brunch set up in the same room that we exchanged vows in. It was pretty neat to be back in that space, but this time with two kids. I wished my past, bride-self could have seen that picture. She would have loved it.

2. After brunch, we took the boys over to Chapters for a look around. They each got one book and one toy. We don't do this too often -- usually we opt for the library -- but once in a while, it's a fun and special treat.

3. In the evening, instead of writing my three good things, I parked my ass on the couch and read my book, In a Dark, Dark Wood. It has been a long time since I read for hours, but it was wonderful. The book started out really promising, but became painfully predictable. Either way, I did enjoy the book and escaping into the world of easy fiction is one of life's great pleasures.

Monday, January 30, 2017

1. Carter had speech therapy today and did really well. I just really like his therapist. She gives such great tips and he really loves her.

2. This afternoon, I sent my mom a short, venty text about how I should have brought the kids over for a few hours this afternoon and just taken that time, at home, to myself. She said, "just bring them over now." Well, you don't have to twist my arm. I took them over, came home and made a beeline for my bed. I read, napped, and loved every second.

On a side note, I am feeling fatigued lately to a degree that has Jeff concerned. Maybe it's time to get in for a physical and see what the hell my iron levels are doing now that it's been over a year since I went back to being a vegetarian.

3. My mom offered to keep Carter over night for me to make my morning a little easier since I'm on my own with the munchkins. I left it up to Carter and, of course, he wanted to sleep over. He was pretty flippin' excited about it too. Gray had gymnastics tonight and my dad always comes to watch. When we were leaving and Grayson realized that Grandpa and Big Brother were going to Grandma and Grandpa's and he was not, he had a meltdown... that lasted about an hour. And he just kept saying "see pe. Big brother. Pe. Big Brother," over and over while crying. Poor guy :-/ It's never, ever a good feeling to see your kids sad, but how much he loves his Grandpa and how much he missed Big Brother was a bit of a heart-melter.

And with that, it's past my bedtime.

Nighty-Night.

DAY 125 - 127 - Thursday, January 26 to Saturday, January 28, 2017

I can't seem to keep up with the posts these days. Again, I'm so behind. I am two posts behind, and then I need to do today's, so I've settled onto the couch, under a blanket, armed with a cat on one side, a handsome husband on the other, and tea on the coffee table, so let's do this. As a warning: these good things are completely boring and mundane.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

1. At work today, I had coffee with Ali. I have two Ali's in my life and they are both seriously awesome women. I can talk freely about pretty much anything with both of them and feel like they understand me in a way that not everyone does. That kind of connection in this life is one you have to hold on to, because they aren't common.

But back to today. My mid-day work coffee date with my work Ali was wonderful. She put some things in perspective in a way I found truly helpful.

2. The evening brought me another coffee date with my most-loved and often-referenced Pat Hanley. Time with her is always a treat. How I feel about her is pretty much summed up mainly in cliche: she's a sight for sore eyes. She's a ray of sunshine in the dark. It sounds silly to even say them, but they're true. She makes my soul happy, rejuvenates me, and makes my heart so happy.

3. Pat and I were (for once) reasonable about the hour at which we wrapped up our date and she left at about 9:30 p.m. We were at Starbucks in the Chapters for our date and her leaving at 9:30 meant I was alone in a bookstore. Wondering around a bookstore is pretty much my idea of a perfect date -- even if it's a little date with myself.

I wondered over to the day planner section. I did already have one for this year, but it wasn't pretty. I'm pretty sure that we can all agree that a day planner that isn't pretty isn't doing its job. I found this gorgeous planner on sale and had some money left over on a gift card, which means that it was only $13.00. Now, I'm winning at life with a pretty pink planner :)



Friday, January 27, 2017

1. Okay, I know I say this a lot, but I had one of the most productive days ever at work today. Productivity is addicting. I got two things off of my work to-do list that have been hangin' on for longer than they should have, so getting them "out of my life" as I tell my boss made me feel like I was wearing some sort of superhero cape. (It might also have been the fact that I wore  superhero cape to work... )

2. We went to my parents' place for supper since they were with my mom for the day. We had some interesting chats about Trump. *shakes head* Carter asked to sleepover and was very excited when everyone said yes. It was an enjoyable evening.

3. The night ended with one episode of our TV show and a bedtime that included Kindle time.



Saturday, January 28, 2017

1. The cleaners came over today, so we needed to be out of the house for a couple of hours and decided to run some errands. One of our shopping stops was to get Jeff some new jeans. He was nice enough to buy me a new shirt too. True love, that is. I mean, I told him that he was buying it for me, but still :)

2. Carter went to my cousin's little girl's birthday party today. It was at the bowling alley and I was planning on taking him, but I was so tired that I asked if Jeff could go instead so that I could lay down, read, and nap it out. Once I got Gray to bed, I hopped right into mine and stayed put for two hours. It was actual perfection.

3. Once the boys got home and Gray got up, I hung out with the kids while Jeff made fresh pasta for supper (yum). I wasn't on my phone or half-cleaning; I was just playing with them in whatever way they dictated. What ended up happening was that I read the stupid Teen Titans Pizza Power book about 10 times over. I'm sure I've nearly memorized that stupid book, but regardless of what we were doing, being present with the kids is one of the most rewarding feelings.

DAY 124 - Wednesday, January 25, 2017 - I'm a Skimper: Hot Baths; Strange Admissions; and Passports

Gosh dangit. I just can't get these posts up on time lately! I will not stop, though, so here was yesterday's good thing-its. Yes, I said thingits. 

1. After "just doing one more thing" for well over an hour, I finally did what I'd been wanting to do all night and took a really hot bath. I'm talking the kind of hot where you can see where on your body the water level was because half of you is lobster red and the other half is the pasty white of most Saskatchewanians. It was glorious, I tells ya.

2. What did I do while in the bath? Personal question but okay, since this is just between us, I'll tell you: I talked on the phone to Krystal. These are the kind of weird things you can do with your soul sister; talk to her on the phone while she knows you're naked in a tub, or while you're going pee. True -- gross, but true. And now you know.

3. I got Grayson's passport today. This means everyone in my house has a passport. I'm pumped about it because it means we can do an impromptu US trip, if Jeff was travelling on business and it might work out for the kids and I (and maybe my Mama) to join him. And, more importantly, it means we can get really serious about planning our trip to Disneyworld next year!

DAY 123 - Monday, January 24, 2017 - Three Good Things, from Yesterday

We're just about a month into 2017 and for me the theme of the year thus far is disillusionment. I think a lot of people are feeling this way, as Trump took office, but the feeling has seeped into other areas of my life, for example, this season of The Bachelor, with the delicious Nick Viall has been very meh for me to this point. This is a joke of course -- mostly; I do feel a little disappointed at my own lack of interest in this season since I was looking forward to it so much.

In all seriousness though, I just have an overall sense of the blahs as of late. Maybe it's January and the fact that January started with weather so cold, leaving the house was essentially dangerous. Maybe it's that there's this awful stomach bug going around and my anxiety is freaking the hell out about it. Maybe it's the fact that Jeff will be out of town next week on business and I'm not looking forward to that. Maybe it's the fact that we know that any day, we will get a call about his Grandma to alert us that she's gone. Maybe it's that I feel like we've been going non-stop since the Christmas break ended. Maybe I'm burning out.

I don't know. I just feel... off. I feel foggy, and more like disengaging in nearly everything than I have in as long as I can remember. I am not depressed, I am just - I don't know - uninterested. Luckily, the cornerstones of my life are solid and remain fulfilling: my marriage, my family, my job. It's just sort of all of the fluff around me that's starting to feel, for lack of a better word: annoying.

Anyway, I bailed on my three good things yesterday and decided to start a book instead (In a Dark, Dark Wood - which, by the way, is really good so far). But, in the interests of keeping up on those good things, here they are:

1. Skipping the three good things to read. I fell asleep reading. Few things in life are better than that.

2. Yesterday, I took my half day and spent the morning with the kids at the Early Years Family Centre. I loved it. It was a beautiful space that focused more on sensory toys and items than Toys R Us type toys, and that's why I liked it so much. I had never taken the boys to one of these before and we only went because it was a field trip for Carter's preschool. I will go back, no question.


3. Laying down on the couch when we got home from work. I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's tiredness catching up with me, but I just felt really tired, mildly achy, and headache-y. That 100% sounds like a flu, but I really should start keeping a log because my whole body (especially my lower back, hips, and legs) feel achy a lot. I can't count the number of times I've thought, "hmmmm, I wonder if I'm getting a flu" only to be completely fine the next day. It's probably time to make a doctor's appointment.

Anyway, laying down and closing my eyes for 45 minutes was a nice little break. I feel like in everything Jeff and I do, we hit the ground running and sometimes your body just wants to sit one out. And that was me last night.

It's Wednesday. I am off today, have a therapy appointment this afternoon, a date with a friend tonight for Chapters and Starbucks, and little-to-no desire to wear make-up or do my hair. Given the fact that I look like this----------------------->
I'm not sure how that lack of motivation is going to work out...

DAY 122 - Monday, January 23, 2017 - Taking a Time-out & Some Good Things

Happy Monday, People.

I don't even really know where to begin this post. I am not normally one ... seriously, I can't even come up with the words to accurately express how I'm feeling. Okay, let's start over.

I am going to take a break from social media. Facebook, specifically. I do still have to be on it for work, but in terms of my own Facebook, I feel like I need to check out.

I will keep posting Instagram pictures of my cute kids and sharing those to Facebook, and I will continue to correspond with people through Facebook's messages, but I need to step away from my news feed for a bit. Scrolling in the last little bit has left me feeling gross. I just don't know what other word to use. Actually, I can think of many other words to use: disappointed, frustrated, sad, defeated, disillusioned. I feel like I need an effing shower.

I 100% know that "checking out" isn't the answer, but I need a rest from all of the Trump stuff that's plastered all over my news feed (and my own Facebook page). I need to disengage from it for a bit. I need to stop reading long conversation threads, at the heart of which men (typically) are putting air quotes around the words "male privilege", making fun of the women's' marches (how was anyone was anything but inspired?!), and announcing support for Trump - not only in his policies, but in his treatment of... well... everyone who isn't white and rich and male.

I keep trying to type out a sentence to explain myself or talk about how I feel and, for nearly the first time in my life, I can't seem to do it. Even this sentence was typed out three times, deleted and now, here we are, and it still doesn't at all hit the mark in terms of what I'm trying to say.

Maybe that's because I need to not say anything for a change.

If you want to send me something, send it via email (on Facebook) or text and keep it light: you know, kittens chasing their own tails and such.

I'm going to leave it at that and just move on to my three good things.

1. I had a really nice conversation with our previous babysitter today. She's a really lovely person and it was great talking to her. I am hoping to sneak over to her house on Wednesday for a quick coffee and visit with the boys. Even though I think moving to a new sitter was the right move for us, I do miss Judy (prev sitter), so I'm looking forward to seeing her.

2. Grayson had gymnastics tonight. He's so fun to watch. He smiles like a crazy man the whole time. Carter plays in the play structure during Gray's 1/2 hour class. Afterwards, my dad gets both of them a treat and, this time, they both picked these marshmallows, dipped in some sort of icing and semi-covered in sprinkles. Gray kept saying "oooo" in a really high pitched voice every time he took a bite; like this thing was so danged good, he needed a sound effect to accompany the bite.

3. Laying on the couch and watching a show with Jeff after the kids went to bed. The show was depressing as all get out, but hanging out with my main man was pretty awesome.

DAY 119, 120, & 121 - Friday, January 20; Saturday, January 21; & Sunday, January 22, 2017 - Back Home and oh so behind.

Holy Lord, I'm so behind on my three good things.

I actually started to type them up on my phone last night in bed, but passed out in medias res and when I woke this morning, discovered that it didn't save. BOOOOO. Such is life.

We drove to Saskatoon on Friday. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, on Thursday we were informed that Jeff's grandmother, who has been in the hospital since Boxing Day, was to being moved to palliative care. To this moment, she still hasn't been physically moved to that ward, but is on the list. We already had a hotel room booked for Saturday and were planning on going up with the kids for one night, but when the news came on Thursday that she was sliding downhill, we quickly booked a room for Friday night as well.

The weekend went as well as one could have hoped. Grandma has really rough days and not as bad days, but the truth is, it's only a matter of time. She will eat and drink sometimes and other times flat out refuses or gags. She randomly falls asleep, mid-sentence, and moves in and out of sleep. She's very frail and weak. Sometimes she is coherent, other times, not at all. I didn't actually get to see her, because my priority was making sure that Jeff was able to go, completely without worry about the kids, and that the kids were happy and cared for. He/we did not take the kids up to see her. Carter doesn't really know/remember who she is and Jeff didn't feel that he needed to see her in the state she was in.

It was an emotional weekend for Jeff and my heart hurts for him as he faces losing her, but it had some bright moments.

So, here we go.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

1. The drive up to 'Toon town was smooth. The weather was good, the highways were good, the kids were good. #Success

2. When we got into Saskatoon, Jeff got the kids and I into our hotel room, brought up all of our stuff, and took off right away to to to the hospital for his first visit with Gma. I took the kids to the pool at the hotel. They were such good boys and we had a great time. The whole time, of course, I thought of Jeff and wondered how his visit was going. But looking at his little boys, safe and having fun, was something that I knew he would very much have appreciated.

3. The kids went to bed really well for us. We had the TV on the cartoon network as we were winding the evening down (yes, bad, I know, but a weekend away in a hotel feels like an appropriate time to cheat on the rules). It was well past bedtime (9:00 p.m.) and the boys were in their pyjamas. Grayson asked to come up and sit on the bed with me. He cuddled into me and ended up falling asleep. Normally, I put him to bed totally awake, so this was a treat. I loved it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

1. The first good thing about this day was that the night in the hotel room was a success. In the past, we've always gotten rooms that were more suites, in that there was a separate room (with some kind of actual door) so that we could put the kids to bed at their normal time (or as close to normal as we could) and not be stuck, ourselves, going to bed at that same time. But this time, we figured we'd give the regular two-double-bed type room a go because, realistically, we aren't getting the kids to bed before 8:30 p.m. anyway (if we're lucy) and maybe being forced to go to bed early ourselves wouldn't be such a bad thing. We do both have Kindles, after all. 🤓📑

The other worry about not sleeping in a room slightly more separate from the kids has been that if Grayson (who still sleeps in a playpen on these trips) wakes up and sees us, he will want to get up... whether or not that happens to be at 5:00 a.m. See, in his own room, if he wakes up at 5:00 a.m., he would go back to sleep (maybe after a brief chat with himself) but this, being the first time we have have all slept in the same room, felt like a bit of a test. And he passed! He was awake shortly after 7:00 a.m., which is earlier for him (especially since he went to bed pretty late the night before), but Jeff brought him into bed with us and he fell back asleep until about 8:30.

It was nice to know that in the future, we can book a regular room without much concern about how bedtimes and mornings will go, and that's kind of exciting.

I'm also kind of a lame-O in this way, but there's something cool about all four of us in the same room. It's my little gang and we're on this adventure together. There's something about that, that gives me the warm fuzzies. Also, it's cool that we're at this stage - the "regular family hotel room" kind of stage.

2. Jeff went back to the hospital to see Grandma and the boys and I went out for breakfast with Janette and the girls. It was a little chaotic, just Janette and I with four kids -- excited to be out and see each other, but they were all pretty well behaved and we did it. And it was nice to get some alone time with them.

3. After breakfast the boys and I went to the pool again and were there for quite a while before Jeff came back, donned his swimming trucks, and joined us. I won't bore anyone with the details of the rest of the day, but there were just a whole bunch of really good moments: watching Jeff waterslide with Carter, playing Crazy 8's with Carter and his cousins in the hotel lobby after we all got together to order pizza; watching the kids all pile onto one bed in my hotel room while Janette and Jeff went back to the hospital for another visit with Gma; having a drink with Janette when her and Jeff got back from the hospital; the fact that all day, Carter insisted on sitting next to Ava at every opportunity: breakfast, pizza, etc.

Again, while I don't want to downplay the sad/serious reason that brought us to Saskatoon in the first place, the good thing is that the boys, who really know nothing of the situation, had fun. Ultimately, this visit had two purposes: 1) a weekend for Jeff to see/visit with his grandmother, and 2) a fun weekend for the kids. After getting the kids to bed, I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and Jeff snuck in. He hugged me and thanked me for making this difficult weekend a little easier. It felt nice to hear that, because that was exactly what I was aiming to do. ❤️

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

1. We are home! We are home! We are home! Did I mention how grateful I am to be in my own house -- in my own bed. I didn't sleep worth a crap the entire weekend, and being in our quiet house, in our big bed, in our own room, is HEAVEN.

2. I finally got me a Starbucks. I have been wanting one all weekend and today, on the way home, this desire was finally fulfilled.

3. My Mr. Chomps is sitting right here next to me in bed. I missed this fool cat, as big a pain in the ass as he is.

And with that, we start another week. 

DAY 118 - Thursday, January 19, 2017 - Getting Ready to say Goodbye

I came home from work and it's been non-stop between the kids and getting us packed up to head to Saskatoon to be with family. Jeff's grandmother isn't doing very well and has been moved to palliative care in the hospital. It's been a stressful day, to say the least. Because of this, I'm going to keep this brief to get my bum to bed.

1. My family has been very supportive: asking how Jeff is doing and for updates on his grandma. My mom has made it clear that she and my dad will do whatever they can to help. It just makes me appreciate them and serves as another reminder that they love Jeff just so much. They love him as though he has always been a part of our family and this is a wonderful feeling. 

2. Reading my little guys books tonight. That's my thing. That's one of the ways I feel like I'm momming my best. It's a nice, quiet, cuddly time for the three of us and it's one of my favourite things to do. I know I will miss it terribly when they are older. 

3. I got the kitchen cleaned, which will hopefully mean that it will stay mostly clean and we will come home to a clean-ish house when we get back from Saskatoon. 

And with that, my pillow is calling to me.

Please send love, prayers, energy -- or whatever you believe in -- to Jeff and his family. 

Thanks for always reading <3

DAY 117 - Wednesday, January 18, 2017 - Mom Advice, Snow Day, & a Messy Kitchen

I love my Mother. She truly is the best mom. My brothers and I tease her a lot (even sometimes to her face!), but we always talk about what a great mom she is. She loves her kids, is very vocal about it, is incredibly supportive, and wants what is best for us. She is happiest when we are at our happiest and I think that's one of the markers of the best kind of mom.

She is my bright spot #1 from today. I called her, twice, to ask her for advice on something. She's a good sounding board and she was so helpful today. I appreciate that I have the kind of mom who, not only can I call for advice, but I can call for good advice. I'm a lucky daughter for sure.

2. Taking the kids outside to play today. The weather feels like spring is coming (which is the worst kind of tease, but it is NOT), and after a week of -45 celsius, we needed to take advantage. We were out for a good hour and they had a blast. We walked to the park and they went down the slides about 30 times. Then we came home and played in the yard for a good long while. Winter days like this, I can handle. Also, because Grayson is so much more mobile this year in snow than he was last year, I'm able to just have fun with both of them instead of just feeling like it's a ton of work.

I managed to get this video of them sliding down the hill on our front lawn and I just love it. Gray's little giggle as he slides down kills me every time. :)

3. My kitchen is an absolute disaster right now. I didn't clean it at all after supper. The dishes are dirty, there is stuff all over the counters. I got the kids to bed later than I anticipated (being in the snow put us behind on supper, but it was totally worth it), and by the time I got up from laying down with Carter in his room after books, it was 8:15. My cousin, Nicole, was here and I haven't seen her in forever, so I talked non-stop for about 40 minutes to catch her up on some of the goings-on, and by then it was 9:00. Carter was still awake and still wanted to me to come lay with him, so I did and he finally fell asleep around 9:30. I got up, went downstairs to chat with Jeff for a bit, and wrote this post. And now it's 10:30. So, instead of cleaning my kitchen, I was social and on mom duty. It's all about choices, people.

Right now, I'm going to make sure there's nothing left out that shouldn't be and that's it. I'm going to grab a bowl of cereal (yes, I'm a grown up) and go to bed. And it will be great.

And good night to YOU.

DAY 116 - Tuesday, January 17, 2017 - Kids, Vegas, and Books

Today was a weird day; it was just off. I had a weird, and stressful day at work. I found it harder to concentrate than normal. And I have one of those killer headaches. This isn't uncommon for me; I get a lot of headaches. I always have. The two tylenol I took when I got home haven't put a dent it in at all. Hello, Advil.

Anyway, where was the sunshine?

1. When I went to pick up the boys from the sitter today, her two sweet kids, who are three and just over a year, came over and alternated giving me hugs. I literally couldn't do anything to get my own kids ready because her sweet babes were relentless in their affection. She told me that she was surprised at Cecilia's (her 14 month-ish old daughter) reaction to me since she doesn't gravitate towards new people very quickly.

When kids take to you, it sort of feels like the most genuine compliment because they have no ulterior motives. They either like you or they don't, so when they like you, it's in the purest of ways. Her kids are so sweet and I would say I'm becoming taken with them.

2. We booked and are planning a trip to Vegas. Getting away, just the two of us for a few days will be great. Vacationing, even if it's only to Vegas, makes me feel like we take adventures together. I love that feeling.

3. A few days ago, Carter saw my Kindle and asked what it was. I explained it to him and he wanted to read a book on it, so I downloaded some free kids books because I didn't actually think he would be very interested. I was wrong. He loves being read to from it. I'm sure it's a novelty that will pass, but in the meantime, he's coming to me more than once throughout the day, asking me to read to him. WIN. We always read books at night and he very much enjoys it, but the Kindle has - for now - heightened his level of enjoyment. It's kind of nice to get to turn off all the lights at bedtime and read to him. It's relaxing, even for me.

The truth is, though, that nothing beats a real, paper book, so though I'm glad he likes the Kindle, I think that, especially at his age where he's starting to get interested in reading (i.e., "what's that word, Mom?"), reading real books will always be a thing in our house.

And with that, the Advil is calling.

DAY 115 - Monday, January 16, 2017 - Some Good Stuff

Basic. Today's post is going to be basic.

1. I took the boys outside to play today. We were only out for about 40 minutes, but they still loved it. I'm really hoping that my next day off is this nice so I can let them go out for longer and/or twice. They had a blast - even my grouchy, non-napping two year old.

2. Gray had his first gymnastics class tonight. His first class was actually last week, but we didn't go because of the whole -50 and icy, death roads thing, so tonight was the first class of this winter session that he went to. He LOVED it. He laughed and smiled the whole time and did so well. It's so weird how happy it makes you when your kids are happy. That emotion translates so freely and completely.

3. Eating a blizzard from DQ while putzing around on the interwebs on the couch tonight after the kids were in bed. Jeff played a video game. I was under a blanket, with my feet in his lap. Domesticity at its finest. :-)

DAY 114 - Sunday, January 15, 2017 - The Laziest Sunday

Hello.

I hope you imagined me saying that like a very happy high person; a slow smile spreading across my face; my eyelids, blinking very slowly - like those of a cat enjoying the hell out of a good heavy petting session; my voice, milky, and my words slow and drawn out.

I've never been high, so I actually have no idea whatsoever what I would be like, but that's how I imagine myself. Loose in physical body -- like a rag doll. My imagining of it sure does sound nice. It sounds relaxing and like the exact opposite of the constant state of tension I often find myself in. I will never try it, but that's what I imagine it to be like.

That was a very long digression, but I found writing it relaxing.

We had a wonderful day. It was my sleep-in day (always nice), and - again - I haven't left the house today. For me, not leaving the house often is often the marker of a good day.

A few days back I read this blog post about the importance of a morning routine and how much it can help to relieve anxiety. The author listed journaling as one of the things to be added to the routine. The author gave something of a guide to help people come up with their three things:

1. Person — I write one thing about my fiancé that I am grateful for every morning. But it could be anyone for you and probably helps if you change it every day to realize how many people you are grateful for.
2. Small object close by — The wind blowing on your face, the warmth of the coffee mug, the silence of your bedroom. This is a stoic practice to realize that even if everything you owned were taken from you their are still small pleasures in life.
3. Something I would miss if it were gone — running water, heat, the ability to run, etc.

I found the guide interesting and thought I would use it for today's post since, I feel like I often repeat my good things. It must be so boring to read. For those of you that actually read them nearly all the time, I honestly have no idea why you do.

Anyway, here is my list, as per the guide above, and a few extras:

1. Jeff. I feel like I could write and write and write about him and it might all come out in cliches and would just leave everyone rolling their eyes. Also, I think that I could write this really long post and I would still fail to convey how in love with him I am, how much I appreciate the marriage that we have and the life we have built, and how much he makes every part of my life - big and small - better... happier. So, I'll just leave it at that. And also, he's the best hugger.

2. Yesterday, in our journey into the great, big world, we bought a humidifier. Not for when you're sick, but more to decrease the dryness that winter has gifted our home. It's in our room now to try to increase the humidity in the back of the house. The fan in it creates the most pleasant white noise and is making me very much look forward to sleeping tonight.

3. Something I would miss if it was gone: my laptop. Jeff bought me this Chromebook (on which I am currently typing) years ago and I love it for typing, blogging, social media-ing.

4. When I walked into our room to go to bed, I saw this:

It reminded me that this afternoon, when I wasn't feeling particularly stellar, I came to hang out in bed. Carter ended up in here with me, playing on the tablet and soon, Gray found his way to us as well. I told him to bring me some books to read to him, which he did and, as promised, I read.

What is it about booked sprawled across my bed that screams happiness, domestic bliss, the perfect Saturday, and the perfect life? I don't know, but it did.

5. Grayson was the world's happiest two-year-old today. He was affectionate, and playful, and busy, and funny, and sweet.

6. Watching Carter sit on his Dad's lap to play a game tonight and then following his dad out to the garage to get something done. *sigh* He's such a big boy already. I just think of him and sigh internally. He really is my sweet boy.

How to end this? Oh, I know!
....

THE END.

DAY 113 - Saturday, January 14, 2017 - The Good Bits

Finally, my bad mood broke! Well, I suppose that it "broke" last night, but it remained good today, so I'm happy to report that we're seeing sunny skies again. Ugh, that just got cliche and much more bubbling sounding than my voice is. Ignore that part; in the end, you get the point, I think.

The cleaners came today, which meant that we were forced to leave the house. Initially, I didn't really want to leave the house (shocked?), but once we were out, it was nice to be out and about among the peoples. It wasn't a very exciting trip, but it was a trip out of the house nonetheless. The kids were well behaved and Jeff scratched a bunch of errands and to-do's off of his list, so it was a success.

We came home to a nice, clean-smelling and looking house and had a good remainder of the day with our little lads. I laid on the couch while Grayson napped and, though it was only an hour, it felt pretty luxurious - as middle-of-the-day lay downs tend to feel. The good parts of my day revolved mainly around my littlest boys.

1. When Gray got up from his nap, he and I just came and sat on the couch together for a good ten minutes. We weren't doing anything. We weren't watching TV, or playing with a toy, or talking, or anything. We just sat there, him in my lap, curled right up into me and were together. It felt so good. 

2. Playing cards with Carter for a good hour (or more today). We played Crazy 8's and Animal Rummy. I love that he's a little person that I can actually play card games with now. When I was younger, I was always playing cards with both of my grandparents and I hope that Carter loves games as much as I did. I also love that, in teaching him Animal Rummy, he will learn the premise of the game that I grew up playing (and still play) with my grandpa. Rummy = my grandpa, so having my little boy play it and like playing would be something else. My family will completely understand this since we've all be playing (and good at) Rummy since we were about seven. *sigh* Happy memories. :-)

3. Going for lunch with my three handsomes. When we do take-out food, we usually pick it up and bring it home, but today, because we needed to leave the cleaners to clean the house for another hour we went for lunch and dined in for a change. It was Coney Island and it was delicious. So good. And just a nice little date with my best guys. 

I just feel happy today. I feel a lot of love for my little family as a group and each of them on their own. 

DAY 112 - Friday, January 13, 2017 - The Good Bits

Written late this afternoon:

Well, the week is over. I survived it. It felt like a long one, folks, and I'm good with seeing it from this side.

For those of you keeping track of my mood, it has improved today, though I would say that I just feel generally low. Hormones, maybe? You feel me, women readers? Could be, I guess. My ovaries can't do math anymore, so I never really know. (Actually, my body hasn't been able to do math since after Carter was born, which is why we have a Grayson... not that I'm complaining, but you know...)

But I just feel a little blah -- a little less full of the joy and the happy. Normally, I'd say I'm a pretty happy and cheerful person. But today I just feel uncommunicative (in person anyway). I feel like sitting in silence and not being responsive to anyone. This is how you can tell I'm in a bad mood: I'm not talking or laughing or cracking hilarious jokes. It's a shame for the world, really, to miss out on my humour, because it really is just so good.

*********************************************************************************
And now it is just after 11:00 p.m. I am laying in bed to do my Three Good Things post, and then fall asleep playing Yahtzee on my phone like a normal person. Normal people play Yahtzee on their phones right?!

The evening made my day much better.

1. On our way home, we picked up Indian food. I mean, seriously, how can that not be Good Thing #1. It's just so danged tasty!

2. One of the guys who is in Regina from the Boston office for Jeff's work came over for supper (rather than sit by himself in a hotel room). I liked him so much. I went from being in a mood where (as I said above) I just didn't really want to talk to anyone, to talking (most of the evening) with Bob. (That's his name, not just a random name I decided to put here). I talked to him more than Jeff did. Before we talked a ton? He played Crazy 8's with Jeff and Carter. Yup. He's a winner.

3. This moment. Sitting in bed, feeling very tired, finishing up this blog, knowing soon, the lamp will be off and I will be five rolls into my game before passing out. Being that kind of tired when you get to go right to bed is awesome sauce.

And with that...