Today's anxiety win comes with a backstory (doesn't everything I say??). Yesterday, my mother-in-law cooked us an awesome supper and even did the dishes after she was done. Now, NO ONE (except probably my own mother) washes dishes to my ridiculous standards (not even Jeff), so I saw those dishes in the drying rack and thought I'd have to check them and likely end up re-washing some of them. But, last night, when Jeff was putting the dishes away, he told me that he actually found that some of them weren't cleaned very well, so he re-washed them. We came home from work tonight and I saw the dishes (that Jeff has now washed) dry and ready to be put away in the dish rack. I thought to myself that I would probably just re-wash them all just in case. Just to be sure. But I then quickly decided that, no, I would not. I trust jeff not to kill our family with unwashed dishes, so I'm going to let it go. And, in that moment, I effing won. #winning #winnerwinnerchickendinner
And here are some good things, yo.
1. The fact that it's Friday and this is a long weekend cannot be left off of the list. I am very excite (yes, I said excite) about this.
2. I am writing four articles for the alumni magazine at work and today I finished one of them. It's nearly twice as long as it's supposed to be, so I'm going to have to cut it down, and finishing only one of four means that I'm going to be writing the other three from home this weekend (which sucks ass), but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on how in love I am with the first one I wrote. It's a lot. I'm a lot in love with it. (This is going to make chopping it in half significantly more difficult. I am now sentimentally attached. Wish me luck.)
3. I started trying to watch the Story of JonBenet Ramsey tonight and made it about 2 minutes in before I had to turn it off. They showed a photo of the crime scene. You can't see her little body, but you see a blanket, and I presume she's under it. And then in another shot, they showed her little hand and that was it. This, clearly, is not my "good thing" for the day, but it made me immensely thankful for my little boys, who are safe and warm in their beds. I just love them so much it actually hurts.
4. One more: our furnace was being a dillhole tonight and not working. We actually had to call a furnace guy out. (That's what they're called right? Furnace Guys? Yup, sounds right to me.) So there's $235-freaking-dollars that we'll never see again. Like almost all of my "good things" this is not in and of itself a good thing -- nor is it a good thing at all, really. But, we are able to pay for it without any difficulty. Maybe that seems dumb to say and silly to list as a good thing, but I think we are very fortunate to have a household income that can sustain unforeseen expenses which, somehow, always crop up. Thank you, for that, adulthood.
Also, why the eff do most of my good things start off by me talking about a bad thing?! What in god's name does that say about me anyway?
I am too tired to spell-check, so TAKE THAT!
Friday, 7 October 2016
Thursday, 6 October 2016
DAY 13 - Thursday, October 6, 2016
So, one of the things my therapist wants me to do is start recording one good thing every day that pertains to my anxiety. This will help me to focus on the progress I'm making, rather than always framing everything negatively and feeling like I'm failing. So, unless it's something too personal to share, that will be included in my three good things list.
1. Today's anxiety win is this: on our way home from work today, my mother-in-law, who babysat Carter for the day, texted me to ask if we were on our way. I texted back and said yes, that we were on our way to pick up Gray and then heading home. My instinct was to send a follow-up text asking, "Why? Everything okay?" But I didn't.
When she sent that text, I literally thought, "Oh my god. I wonder if something is wrong and that's why she texted. Maybe Carter threw up and she's in a big hurry for us to get home." My typical reaction to this anxious thought would be to send her the "Everything okay?" text, to which I would wait for and hope that she would reply confirming that everything was fine. This, consequently would ease and (temporarily) disable the anxiety, bringing relief. This is the totally illogical pattern of anxiety. There was no evidence whatsoever that would lead me to even question if illness was the reason for her text. Jumping to that conclusion was quite the leap. This is anxiety. But in this instance, I said to myself, "Self, it is unlikely that Carter is sick. You have no evidence to support this. But, if he is sick, you can and will manage just fine. You will get home, and comfort him, and be the kind of mom he needs in that moment."
Sure enough, we got home and everything was fine. These things -- not sending the "check-in" text absolutely feel like small victories since everything in me wants to send the text. In this moment, I effing won.
2. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, but I do have a very serious addiction to Miss Vickie's Sea Salt & Malt Vinegar chips. I mean it, people. It's a real problem. I buy the huge bag from Costco and polish off the bag by myself within four days. Okay, fine. Three. Three days. God! Stop judging me!
3. I had a terrible migraine this evening. That does not belong on my good things list, but what does belong is how awesome my husband is. He bathed both kids and got them into bed while I literally laid in bed watching Friends on Netflix. He is such a good husband and he is such a good dad. I know this ends up being a good thing once a week or so, but I'm so grateful for him and I love feeling grateful. It's a good feeling.
4. One more short one: my Dad always comes to watch the boys at gymnastics. When Grayson saw him he flipped his noodle. He was SO excited. Next week, I will try to record it because it really is one of the sweetest, more heartwarming things to watch. And I know that when the kids react like that to my dad, it makes him so happy. The boys are the best part of his life, and the fact that he's a favourite of theirs just makes him beam. Yes, I'm using the world beam. And I don't even care. So take that!
1. Today's anxiety win is this: on our way home from work today, my mother-in-law, who babysat Carter for the day, texted me to ask if we were on our way. I texted back and said yes, that we were on our way to pick up Gray and then heading home. My instinct was to send a follow-up text asking, "Why? Everything okay?" But I didn't.
When she sent that text, I literally thought, "Oh my god. I wonder if something is wrong and that's why she texted. Maybe Carter threw up and she's in a big hurry for us to get home." My typical reaction to this anxious thought would be to send her the "Everything okay?" text, to which I would wait for and hope that she would reply confirming that everything was fine. This, consequently would ease and (temporarily) disable the anxiety, bringing relief. This is the totally illogical pattern of anxiety. There was no evidence whatsoever that would lead me to even question if illness was the reason for her text. Jumping to that conclusion was quite the leap. This is anxiety. But in this instance, I said to myself, "Self, it is unlikely that Carter is sick. You have no evidence to support this. But, if he is sick, you can and will manage just fine. You will get home, and comfort him, and be the kind of mom he needs in that moment."
Sure enough, we got home and everything was fine. These things -- not sending the "check-in" text absolutely feel like small victories since everything in me wants to send the text. In this moment, I effing won.
2. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, but I do have a very serious addiction to Miss Vickie's Sea Salt & Malt Vinegar chips. I mean it, people. It's a real problem. I buy the huge bag from Costco and polish off the bag by myself within four days. Okay, fine. Three. Three days. God! Stop judging me!
3. I had a terrible migraine this evening. That does not belong on my good things list, but what does belong is how awesome my husband is. He bathed both kids and got them into bed while I literally laid in bed watching Friends on Netflix. He is such a good husband and he is such a good dad. I know this ends up being a good thing once a week or so, but I'm so grateful for him and I love feeling grateful. It's a good feeling.
4. One more short one: my Dad always comes to watch the boys at gymnastics. When Grayson saw him he flipped his noodle. He was SO excited. Next week, I will try to record it because it really is one of the sweetest, more heartwarming things to watch. And I know that when the kids react like that to my dad, it makes him so happy. The boys are the best part of his life, and the fact that he's a favourite of theirs just makes him beam. Yes, I'm using the world beam. And I don't even care. So take that!
Wednesday, 5 October 2016
DAY 12 - Wednesday, October 5, 2016
1. Today was the first snowfall of this fall/winter season. This is NOT on my positives for the day, however, Carter's reaction made the cut. He was pretty excited and said, "well, I guess it's winter now." So flipping cute. I wish I would have recorded it. Gray was interested in it, but mostly confused, I think. I so regret not snapping a picture of them standing at the window in their pj's, looking at the snow. *sigh* These little boys are somethin' else alright.
2. We are hiring a cleaner to come in every second or third week and I'm really excited about that! She is coming over to our house next wednesday evening to meet us, see the house, and figure out logistics. I know a lot of people (who are even busier than I am) manage to keep their houses so much cleaner than I can keep mine and I wish I knew their secret, cause I just can't do it. So, for now, this should help us better manage things.
3. I had another therapy appointment today and it went really well. It always feels like we need three hours. So often, I frame things very negatively. I don't feel like I've made much progress at all, which leaves me feeling frustrated, but she points out where I have made progress and reframes things much more positively. It's not shocking, then, that going always makes me feel better.
I'll do a separate post about the appointment again, although I'm not sure when I'll get to it because my next week at work is going to be really writing heavy, so I might need a break from writing, but we'll see. I'll aim for a self-imposed deadline of next Friday.
Tuesday, 4 October 2016
DAY 11 - Tuesday, October 4, 2016
1. (This one is a throwback to Sunday, but I make my own rules in this god forsaken town.) We were at a birthday party on Saturday and one of the dads there said to his son, who I think is about four years old, (close to a year younger than Carter), "Remember what Grandpa says, 'No wusses, no sissies.'" I didn't hear him say it, but Jeff did and mentioned it to me and he was clearly bothered by it.
Years ago, about six months before we were to be married, Jeff and I had a very intense fight with his family. The argument progressed well beyond respectful boundaries (on all parts) and more than once, Jeff's brother, from whom Jeff is (and will remain) estranged, told him to "man up." Whatever the fuck that means. (I know what it means, but that's another very ranty blog post for which I don't have the time or energy.)
I love, so much more than I can possibly express, that I am married to a man who not only would never say something like that to either of his sons, but who is actually bothered by the fact that other men say things like that to their little boys.
This makes me proud of the dad I chose for my kids and makes me grateful to have a partner in parenthood who will help me raise our boys with a healthy framework of what masculinity is and what it means to "be a man."
2. We put the kids to bed early tonight, so I got my kitchen and dining room cleaned early. I was sitting on the couch Facebooking with my bestie at 8:00 p.m. and that was pretty kick ass.
3. It is now 9:40, and I'm going to crawl into bed as soon as I hit publish on this post. Our bed is the most comfy king size, and it is just pleading with me to hop in it. Who am I to deny it, really?
Goodnight all :-)
Years ago, about six months before we were to be married, Jeff and I had a very intense fight with his family. The argument progressed well beyond respectful boundaries (on all parts) and more than once, Jeff's brother, from whom Jeff is (and will remain) estranged, told him to "man up." Whatever the fuck that means. (I know what it means, but that's another very ranty blog post for which I don't have the time or energy.)
I love, so much more than I can possibly express, that I am married to a man who not only would never say something like that to either of his sons, but who is actually bothered by the fact that other men say things like that to their little boys.
This makes me proud of the dad I chose for my kids and makes me grateful to have a partner in parenthood who will help me raise our boys with a healthy framework of what masculinity is and what it means to "be a man."
2. We put the kids to bed early tonight, so I got my kitchen and dining room cleaned early. I was sitting on the couch Facebooking with my bestie at 8:00 p.m. and that was pretty kick ass.
3. It is now 9:40, and I'm going to crawl into bed as soon as I hit publish on this post. Our bed is the most comfy king size, and it is just pleading with me to hop in it. Who am I to deny it, really?
Goodnight all :-)
Monday, 3 October 2016
DAY 10 - Monday, October 3, 2016
1. I am ten days into this three good things business. My goal is (for sure) one month, but in a perfect world, I would like to go for a full year. I have tried to do this in the past (and more than once at that). "Tried" is the important word here: I have failed. I cannot remember how many days I have made it before, but I did pretty well. I feel like I'm better at it this time. Here's to irritating the ever-loving shit out of all of my Facebook friends for the next 355 days.
2. Tonight, I did dick all. I sat my lazy ass on the couch and putzed (there's that word again) around on Facebook and the interwebs. And I wrote this blog. I was also hoping to do some journalling for my therapy appointment on Wednesday (I will explain this in another post) and read through some of my OCD workbook, but I'm dead tired and it's already 9:30, and I should spend a half an hour doing some actual work from home to ease up my week. AND I should go to bed at 8:00 p.m. one night. For real. I need to catch up on sleep (who doesn't? You? Then we can't be friends.). And it's already 9:30. Yes, I know I said this twice, but it bears repeating.
3. Doing a puzzle with Carter tonight before bed. He did a 48-piece all by himself and pretty quickly. This is my kid FO SHO. I freaking love that he loves puzzles and I fantasize about he and I drinking tea and doing puzzles when he's older (he will probably actually cringe at the thought when he's older, but a gal can dream, can't she?). I love puzzles. Like, LOVE LOVE puzzles. I don't do them because I don't really have anywhere in the house to store the partially completed puzzle. This makes me sad because the actual thought, "maybe I'll do a puzzle after the kids go to bed..." makes me happy. Just the thought. Yes, I know, I'm super cool. Hip, if you will.
4. We ran into my grandparents at the mall today and I snapped this picture of Grayson taking my grandpa on a walk. This melts my heart. Like, dripping with love. Well... I take that back. Too far. That sounds weird. And Freudian. Ya'll knew what I meant. Moving on.
5. I actually had a tough afternoon. I don't know why. Well, that's only half true. I do sort of have some idea, but I'm not going to get into that here. I'm a really, really open person, but I do have to keep some cards close to my chest, and these are those cards. I'll say that I felt weird today. I felt like that awkward person who always does and says the wrong thing. I felt embarrassed about how I do things -- how much I say. That is who I am, but sometimes, it's a quality about myself that even I find annoying. I didn't feel like a winner today. Does everyone feel like a winner every single day? No, likely not. Today, though, I just felt particularly aware of my awkward self.
Carter could tell I was low and asked me, "Are you sad today, mom?" I said, "yeah, a little," and he told me I was cute and then gave me a hug and said, "there, now you won't be sad for the rest of the day." He continued to check in for the next hour are so. "Are you still sad, mom?" He's seriously such a sweet little boy. I hope he stays this thoughtful, sympathetic, and worried about how other people feel, and what he can do to make them feel happy, into his adulthood.
😍
And m
2. Tonight, I did dick all. I sat my lazy ass on the couch and putzed (there's that word again) around on Facebook and the interwebs. And I wrote this blog. I was also hoping to do some journalling for my therapy appointment on Wednesday (I will explain this in another post) and read through some of my OCD workbook, but I'm dead tired and it's already 9:30, and I should spend a half an hour doing some actual work from home to ease up my week. AND I should go to bed at 8:00 p.m. one night. For real. I need to catch up on sleep (who doesn't? You? Then we can't be friends.). And it's already 9:30. Yes, I know I said this twice, but it bears repeating.
3. Doing a puzzle with Carter tonight before bed. He did a 48-piece all by himself and pretty quickly. This is my kid FO SHO. I freaking love that he loves puzzles and I fantasize about he and I drinking tea and doing puzzles when he's older (he will probably actually cringe at the thought when he's older, but a gal can dream, can't she?). I love puzzles. Like, LOVE LOVE puzzles. I don't do them because I don't really have anywhere in the house to store the partially completed puzzle. This makes me sad because the actual thought, "maybe I'll do a puzzle after the kids go to bed..." makes me happy. Just the thought. Yes, I know, I'm super cool. Hip, if you will.
4. We ran into my grandparents at the mall today and I snapped this picture of Grayson taking my grandpa on a walk. This melts my heart. Like, dripping with love. Well... I take that back. Too far. That sounds weird. And Freudian. Ya'll knew what I meant. Moving on.5. I actually had a tough afternoon. I don't know why. Well, that's only half true. I do sort of have some idea, but I'm not going to get into that here. I'm a really, really open person, but I do have to keep some cards close to my chest, and these are those cards. I'll say that I felt weird today. I felt like that awkward person who always does and says the wrong thing. I felt embarrassed about how I do things -- how much I say. That is who I am, but sometimes, it's a quality about myself that even I find annoying. I didn't feel like a winner today. Does everyone feel like a winner every single day? No, likely not. Today, though, I just felt particularly aware of my awkward self.
Carter could tell I was low and asked me, "Are you sad today, mom?" I said, "yeah, a little," and he told me I was cute and then gave me a hug and said, "there, now you won't be sad for the rest of the day." He continued to check in for the next hour are so. "Are you still sad, mom?" He's seriously such a sweet little boy. I hope he stays this thoughtful, sympathetic, and worried about how other people feel, and what he can do to make them feel happy, into his adulthood.
😍And m
Sunday, 2 October 2016
DAY 9 - Sunday, October 2, 2016
1. You'll hear this one a lot, because he's kick-ass, but Jeff let me sleep in again today. I was out, dancing my ass off last night until 1:00 a.m. last night. This makes two weekends in a row that I got the sleep in day (we only get one now that the boys have swimming early on Saturday morning). I mean, seriously. How lucky am I?
2. My little men were so good today. Happy, well-behaved, good-listening, good-eating little boys. These days are rare, so I need to really relish this one.
3. We spent some time outside today, letting the kids play, enjoying the weather and getting some yard work done. It was all stuff that desperately needed to be done and crossing those things off the list always feels good.
It's now midnight and I really should have been in bed and asleep at 9:00 p.m. since I didn't fall asleep until about 2:00 a.m. and got up at 9:00 a.m.
Me so tired.
2. My little men were so good today. Happy, well-behaved, good-listening, good-eating little boys. These days are rare, so I need to really relish this one.
3. We spent some time outside today, letting the kids play, enjoying the weather and getting some yard work done. It was all stuff that desperately needed to be done and crossing those things off the list always feels good.
It's now midnight and I really should have been in bed and asleep at 9:00 p.m. since I didn't fall asleep until about 2:00 a.m. and got up at 9:00 a.m.
Me so tired.
DAY 8 - October 1, 2016
I typed this up on October 1 and then forgot to actually post it! Ooops :)
1. I felt pretty today. What the hell does it even mean to feel "pretty"? That I meet the standards of beauty manufactured North American culture, I suppose. It doesn't mean anything to be or feel pretty. And yet, it still feels nice to feel attractive every now and again.
2. I got a ton of stuff done around the house today. Again, if you were to stop by unannounced you would never know it, but it's true.
3. Jeff and I are heading out on date night. It's going to be pretty casual. Probably nachos and a drink somewhere, followed by coffee somewhere else. I'm looking forward to a few hours with him where our conversation isn't interrupted because one of us has to go wipe someone's ass. Unless something goes terribly awry...
1. I felt pretty today. What the hell does it even mean to feel "pretty"? That I meet the standards of beauty manufactured North American culture, I suppose. It doesn't mean anything to be or feel pretty. And yet, it still feels nice to feel attractive every now and again.
2. I got a ton of stuff done around the house today. Again, if you were to stop by unannounced you would never know it, but it's true.
3. Jeff and I are heading out on date night. It's going to be pretty casual. Probably nachos and a drink somewhere, followed by coffee somewhere else. I'm looking forward to a few hours with him where our conversation isn't interrupted because one of us has to go wipe someone's ass. Unless something goes terribly awry...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)