DAY 75 - Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I'm sitting in bed and I must say, my clean sheets smell extra delicious. This bed is begging me to lay down in it and who am I to deny it?!

1. Tacos for supper. Oh, yes.

2. I picked up my new glasses from Costco today. I love 'em! And the new prescription does make my vision sharper. I expected to notice no difference at all, but they are better for sure. I'm glad my glasses broke two weeks ago now :)

3. We got our Santa picture done today. Gray hates getting his picture taken AND there's no way he'd sit with Santa, so Jeff and I both sat in too and made it a family Santa picture. It actually worked out pretty perfectly and I love the photo.

And now the day is at an end. I'm happy about this and not. I am dreading Jeff leaving on Friday. I miss him when he's gone and a whole week is just too long :(  Send hugs, love, chocolate, and Starbucks. XO

DAY 74 - Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Lately, I feel like there's so much going on. I said to my cousin today that I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I rush from one thing/place to another and when I get to that location - work, home, somewhere with the kids - I feel like it's a pit stop marked by chaos. I always feel like I have more things to do than time to do those things in. I suppose that's just the season of life that I'm in.

Working part-time when it's busy means tightly packed days at work. Parenthood is always busy. And Christmas is a busy season. Also, with Jeff travelling a lot this month, the home times are more hectic.

I don't mean to complain. I also don't mean to suggest that I'm the only parent who works and feels this way. Everyone is busy and I get that. I only bring it up because it's just something I'm working through at the moment and that was my intent when starting this blog. I never wanted or want to become "a blogger"; I am a naturally open and communicative person. I do my best thinking and problem-solving when I'm thinking out loud, so this post - like every other - is really just me thinking out loud. Sometimes I get feedback from the people in my life on my posts, and those help, but without any feedback, audience, or reaction whatsoever, I would (and will) continue to write them.

DIGRESSION. Shocker... I never do that.

Anyway, I also feel like I'm in a weird place emotionally lately, for a whole host of reasons.

Grayson is working on two teeth and these little suckers are visable but not yet through the gum. They are making him miserable. The kid is just a right grouch with me, so the constant whining and crying can make for some long days.

Because I'm feeling like there is little time to decompress from these long, full days - be they at work or at home -, I'm really longing for some alone down time. But, because there is a lot going on in life at the moment, I move from parenthood, to work, and then from one conversation to another. And I'm tired. I'm a little tired of talking and of actively listening. Again, I hope this doesn't come off as ungrateful to those who are wonderful and selfless and love me enough to want to know what's going on in my life. I am immensely grateful for the support and advice of those people. I guess I just wish I didn't have so much to talk about.

I'm also gaining weight on these stupid anxiety pills and it's starting to freak me out. I have gained about eight pounds since starting them. Is that a lot? No, but the only time in my life that my weight has ever fluctuated is when I was pregnant and, man-oh-man, could I gain weight when I was pregnant (to be fair, half of that weight was in my belly and the other half was in my boobs #nojoke). So I'm struggling with the fear of gaining "too much". I'm scared of losing my body (not that it was that great prior to the eight pounds, but I'll take that one over the one I've got right in this moment).

I have been tossing around the idea of writing a blog post about just this topic and posting a picture of me in my bathing suit, so ya'll call see what I mean, but even on that I feel very conflicted: I don't want to be someone who posts a bathing suit selfie, but then I think, "but I'm not doing it to show off... I'm doing it to reflect reality...". And then I wonder if, regardless of the purpose, it's appropriate. And then I think, "appropriate according to who?"

You see? You see how messy this is? So messy.

We're changing babysitters, too, shortly. And I'm having a hard time with that. I just don't know if it's the right move.

So I just feel like there is a lot of change going on in my life at the moment and I'm feeling a bit unsure how to process it. I feel like so much of my time is dedicated to everyone else - which is normal for most, but the balance lately is worse than normal and with the busy state I find my mind in lately, I'm feeling a little burnt out.

Okay, let's talk about good things now that I may have thoroughly depressed all you people still reading...

1. As I type this, my husband is on a plane home from Toronto. I will go to bed alone, but I won't wake up alone.

2. I got to see my cousin, Nicole, today. It's been a while, so just having her hang out with the boys and I was wonderful.

3. Nicole and my parents and I went to Carter's Preschool Christmas Concert tonight (Jeff missed it being out of town). It was pretty danged cute. I bet you didn't think I was going to say that, did ya?! He's such a big boy already. As I watched him, I almost cried. That's my boy up there. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm a mom, nevermind a mom to a little boy who will be in Kindergarten next year and who is big enough to participate in a Christmas concert.

4. After I got the boys to bed (late), I tidied up, but I didn't really clean up like I had planned. I sat my ass on the couch and enjoyed doing nothing. It felt like the exhale I needed. Instead of following that up by going to bed at a reasonable hour, however, I choose to clean up before bed and now it's 1:30 a.m. Maybe I would find my life less chaotic if I engaged in some good habits, yeah? Yeah.

So, bring on tomorrow... I guess :)

DAY 72 & 73 - Sunday, December 4 & Monday, December 5, 2016

Okay, so I'm starting to suck at these three good things lists. Lately, I forget and then remember when I'm already in bed. Even tonight, it's 11:30 and I should really be in bed, but I know leaving yesterday's and today's to tomorrow is just asking for trouble. Having said that, I should really get to it.

Sunday, December 4

1. Jeff and I had the young girl across the street babysit the boys while we ran a bunch of errands in the morning. We still had a few things left that didn't get done, but it made me realize how much longer it would have taken if we had brought the kids. Feeling productive is kick-ass.

2. I was a bit worried about how Gray would be with the sitter. He really doesn't know her. I knew Carter would be great (he's Mr. Social), but I don't find Gray that warm with people he doesn't know well. But he was great. She even put him down for a nap and not only did he go down no problem, he actually fell asleep.

Knowing that we have someone right across the street is fan-freaking-tastic. Date nights are in our future. Oh yes. Yes, they are.

3. Right before bed, Grayson wanted to play Carter's Guess Who game. He obviously can't play, so he was on Jeff's "team". Jeff just showed Grayson which windows to close. Carter and I were on a team. We were snuggled up on the couch playing and as I looked over at Gray and Jeff, Grayson looked so sweet. I wish I had my phone handy. He was on Jeff's lap, in his pj's and his little feet looked so cute, I could have just eaten them up.

I felt really blessed as we sat there in our warm house, Christmas tree lit up, with this little family. *sigh*

Monday, December 5

1. I got our passports today. I didn't get Grayson's, so I have to go back. I needed the Long Form Birth Certificate for him, which I thought I had. Yeah, I didn't. Anyway, the passports has been one of those major things on the list and feeling like they've (mostly) been dealt with is a relief.

2. After passports, my mom tagged along with the boys and I, which allowed me to get another bunch of to-do's crossed off of my list. We're getting there, people! One of those to-do's was to order myself new glasses, which I did. I'm super excited to get new ones :) Ahhhh the excitements of an adult. #SoLame

3. The boys and I went with my dad to the CP Rail Christmas train and they absolutely loved it. We only sat in the truck and watched, since it was so bloody cold out, but it was still fun. Afterwards, we went to Second Cup and got hot chocolates. It was a nice evening with some of my favourite boys :)

4.  The boys were good boys for me this evening. We did baths and books and cuddles before bed. I started reading Carter Charlotte's Web. We gave up on Stuart Little. Even I find it boring so far. But he seems to really love Charlotte's Web. This makes me excited. I love that he's old enough now to read short novels. I never did read the Harry Potter series; I'm not really sure that they are my thing, but I'm still looking forward to reading them to Carter. I feel like doing that will force me to read them and I'm hoping that how much I enjoy them takes me by surprise. We shall see.

Okay, nearly midnight, so nighty-roo, all. (At this hour, editing is for the birds!)

DAY 70 - Friday, December 2, 2016

Friday - I didn't have a great day. Jeff and I had an argument on Thursday night (we rarely argue, but *gasp* we aren't perfect, so it's bound to happen). As a result, I didn't get much sleep. Then I woke up with a bladder infection. I got a lot done at work, but I have so much more to do that it didn't feel like much of a success (framing, Amber).

Truthfully, for most of the day, I just felt crummy -- physically and emotionally and all I really wanted to do was be by myself. I wanted to go home, have a really long, really hot bubble bath with tea, candles, and a book. Then I wanted to get out of the bath, and put on some lame rom-com on Netflix while working on a puzzle in comfy pj's. But, it was the night of Jeff's Christmas party. He knew I wasn't feeling well and said that if I wanted to stay home, I could. I considered it, but went anyway. As usual, when I'm in a gross place, being around people turned my mood around.

So, let's focus on the good parts, yeah? Yeah.

1. At the party, the three guys who serve as the "bosses" were recognized by the employees. Watching Jeff walk up there made me really proud. And he looked really sexy. Like, really, really sexy. *ahem... moving on*

2. The food was amazing. I should have taken a picture of my plate and posted it because there's no way anyone thought I would eat that much. I was weirdly proud. I kept asking people at my table, "did you see that?!" A little sad, yes, but I freaking hope they saw it.

3. Laughing my ass off at the "Name that tune" game that the DJ's had all of us play. The people that Jeff works with are all crazy and hilarious and have no problem making total asses of themselves. Incidentally, this works out well for me.

DAY 71 - Saturday, December 3, 2016

It's Saturday. It's the last weekend that Jeff will be home before the work travel starts.

What is there to say about that, really? I remind myself that we are financially able for me to work part-time before he makes enough money to make that possible. It comes at a cost. But he's brilliant at his job and I'm proud of him. 

So today.

1. We got to sleep in this morning since the boys slept at my parents' last night. I woke up at about 9:30 and didn't get out of bed until 10:20. It was glorious. Absolutely glorious.

2. We went to my parents' for brunch. Being with my family is my soul's happy place. For real. If we could all live in one giant house together, I would totally do that. I'm aware that I'm the only one who feels this way. What a bunch of butt-holes. But, I can't help but love those butt-holes.

3. The cleaners came today. Yay for a clean house!

4. I'm such a homebody lately. Once we got home from my parents', I didn't leave the house. Such a good idea.

5. Reading books to my little misters. All of us snuggled up on the couch under the same blanket. *sigh* This is exactly what I signed up for. I could read them books all day.

Okay, enough mush for one day. #Don'tBeTheGrinch #I'mALoverYo

DAY 69 - Thursday, December 1, 2016

1. It's December. I love Christmas, so this makes me happy. It also helps me to feel less like a crazy-ass for listening to and humming Christmas music all day erry'day.

2. My mom takes Carter for a lunch date, with just the two of them, on Thursdays. She usually gives me a little report of how it went. She told me today that during lunch he said to her, "Mother [that's what he calls her], thank you for taking me for lunch." He just said it just out of the blue like that. He is such a nice little boy. He's sweet, with a kind little heart and I just love him so much.

3. Gray is turning into a mama's boy. We have two boys, and -- though Grayson is definitely more even about his love for mom and dad than is his big brother who is blatant about his preference for Mom -- lately, I feel like Grayson is gravitating towards me a lot. This hurts my feeling for Jeff, but my heart warms at the thought that I provide him comfort and, in some way, I give him whatever it is that he needs.

That sort of brings me to something that I've been meaning to talk about for a while. It's related to my anxiety and my feeling about myself as a mother. I've been able to enjoy my time with the boys in a way that I've struggled to since my anxiety really spun out of control back in February. I want to do a more in-depth post about this, but for now, in short: enjoying my days off with them, instead of living in fear about illness, has felt like breathing again after being forced to hold your breath. It's a relief I can't quite articulate. I'm not really sure I'll be able to express the restriction and then the release in the post, when I do write it.

I'm just overwhelmed with love for my boys: for my husband, who has made this family with me -- who makes our house our home with me; for our little boys, who are getting so big, who are so affectionate, beautiful, and perfect - even when they aren't so perfect.

DAY 68- Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The truth is, I was too tired and had zero desire to post a three good things by the time I had the chance to do so last night, so I skipped it. Bad, Amber. But, I'm here today to tell you why yesterday was so good!

1. We met with our new babysitter last night. We have been with the same sitter since I went back to work. It has been an emotional choice to leave, but for a number of reasons, we feel that it's for the best for our family. We love Judy very much and are thankful that our boys had her wonderful care for four (for Carter) and one (for Grayson) year(s).

2. Our new sitter, Ashley, has a two year old as well, Ottis. He was super cute and super busy (kind of like my two-year-old). He freaking loved me. He literally threw himself on me as I sat on the floor and gave me some very aggressive hugs. It was funny and sweet. He must know my secret weapon when it comes to hugs: I give a kick-ass back rub. Once he realized this, the hugs only became more frequent. I was okay with it.

3. My arm after the flu shot feels better than it's ever felt. I got the shot on Monday and typically, I can't even sleep on that side for days because my arm hurts so bad. This time my brilliant sister-in-law, who is a nurse, told me to get it on the dominant arm because, as the nurse administering the shot will tell you, the key to not being so sore is using the arm as much as you can. Well, if you get the shot in your dominant arm, you are more likely to use it in the days that follow. Made sense to me and worked like a damned charm. Never again will I get a shot in my left arm.

#TheMoreYouKnow