Some honest mom time

Some honest mom time, served to you on a gold platter. I'm struggling today - the last day of 2014. Grayson's sleep at night is getting worse. I'm lucky if I get five hours of broken sleep a night now. The longest stretch I've been getting is about 1.5 hours and I usually only get that stretch once; the rest of the sleep stretches are an hour or less. Last night was our worst night since Grayson's birth. He had his immunizations yesterday and I'm hoping that's the cause for last night's lack of sleep, but I'm not holding my breath about it. It would seem that I'm fresh out of positivity and faith.

Today felt like everything I attempted was a gross failure. Like the universe is laughing at me for being dumb enough to believe any of my tasks would just be completed without someone in my house (including me) having a meltdown. I'm usually pretty positive in my posts, but the low days are a reality of parenthood too.

Just before Christmas (December 21) I wrote this note in an app on my phone. It doesn't really address my frustrations of today in particular, but it does depict the less desirable days of what's affectionately known as "momlife." So enjoy.

(This will be excellent reassurance for those of you who have decided not to have kids. For those of you with kids, remind me that this too shall pass, because today, in my current mood, I'm fairly certain I'll be stuck in this chapter for eternity.)

(And please excuse my spelling or punctuation errors. I'm typing this on my phone, which likes to screw with me via autocorrect and, in case I haven't made it clear enough, I'm fucking tired.)

.......
December 21, 2014

I'm so exasperated. All day err'y day all I do is try to get Grayson to sleep and then try to keep him asleep. I try in his swing, in his bouncer, in his basinet, in his crib, on the couch. I try putting him down fully awake, fully asleep, half asleep. I try to nurse him to sleep, rock, bounce him to sleep, with or without the bum pat. I try to do none of the above and just hold him while being still. As I said, I will lay him down fully awake. He will only fall asleep if he's being held. But he does fall asleep, usually after putting up a good fight, so I stop the rocking, bouncing, and patting, or whatever it was. I do this charade in the living room with the tv on and a (sometimes) noisy toddler; I do it in a bright living room with curtains open, or a dark, curtains drawn, living room. I do it alone in my room or the nursery, in the dark with no noise except a sound machine. It doesn't matter what combination of things I do, how long I spend, how dark or bright, swing or no swing, noise or no noise, pat or no pat; all is fine until I am foolish enough to think I can put him down. Within minutes (today at least) he's awake and screaming. So I start all over. My breaks from this are to get Carter food, try to get Carter to eat that food, try to get Carter to stay at the table to eat that food, and to change diapers.

At this moment Grayson is sleeping in his swing. It's actually longer than 5 minutes, but I'm still scared he'll wake up any minute. But, for now, this freedom provides me with some options:

I could clean the kitchen, put away the laundry, see if Carter wants to do a quiet activity - like colouring. I could attempt to cross some to-dos of my list - the list that feels like it will never be complete. I could read the novel I started.

Today, however, for the first time, I completely lack motivation. What's the point in trying to clean the kitchen? My house is always a mess. Anyone who comes over must think I really never do anything at all. So I may as well not do anything at all. I feel utterly exhausted even though I got more sleep last night then the night before. And by more sleep, I mean about five and a half broken hours. I think lack of sleep and a baby who is either crying or attached to me is the reason for today's low. But it's still a low and it sucks.

I choose to write this instead because I feel like a balloon with too much air and I need a release. Maybe saying this out loud will make me want to cry less. Probably not.

Well, Grayson is still sleeping. The odd time he will sleep for 2+ hours. Usually, though, it's a half an hour. And Carter just pooped in diaper and I just realized he dumped the cat's food out - again. At least that solved the "what do I do with this magical free time" conundrum.

*Sigh*

Update: Grayson woke up right after I changed Carter's diaper.

*double sigh*

100 Happy Days Challenge: Day 83

For Monday, November 10th

1. We went to Costco around supper time with two kids and I have to call it a triumphant success. I had just nursed Grayson before we left so he just slept the whole time, and Carter was a really good boy. He is usually a pretty good shopper, but he was exceptionally good this time. Afterwards, we grabbed hot dogs and chicken fingers and fries (super healthy, I know) from Costco for supper. Carter continued on his good boy streak and ate an awesome supper.

2. While we were at Costco, we found this set of Mickey Mouse books and bought them for Carter. I've talked before about the obsession Carter now has with Mickey Mouse, so we were excited to find the books. Some things we buy him and save it for Christmas/his birthday, but we couldn't make him wait until Christmas for these. He got so excited when he saw them. 

As an aside, I think it's so funny how I used to love buying myself things and now, my version of retail therapy is buying clothes/toys/shoes for my kids. It's a truly strange shift that you don't see coming. 

3. I'm so happy that Jeff is off for one more day. When he's home, I get to sleep in, in the mornings since he gets up with Carter and I feel so much better rested for the day!

100 Happy Days Challenge: Day 82

For Sunday, November 9th

Today was a rough Carter day... again. Man, toddlers are challenging. Newborns make sure you have no sleep, but toddlers make sure you are always on the verge of checking yourself into a mental facility. And my toddler takes his job very effing seriously. Nonetheless, the day, like all days, had its finer moments.

1.  My parents bought me flowers and this amazing necklace as a "thank you" for their newest grandson. Opal or pink are the options for Grayson's birthstone, so they went with the opal. I'm not a huge fan of pink, so the opal was a better choice for me. When Carter was born, I got flowers and a necklace with his birthstone as well, and so when my mom showed up with a Ben Moss bag and flowers, I had a pretty good guess about what was in there. And, like when they gave me the necklace after Carter was born, I started to cry. (To to fair and honest, this time the tears were in part because Carter had just had the worst and longest meltdown he's ever had and I was extraordinarily stressed.) Either way, I think the necklace is beautiful and the sentiment is so meaningful.

2. Tonight, I left Carter at home with his dad and Grayson and I went to uncle Joel's for supper with my fam. I was actually planning on taking Carter and Grayson on my own and giving Jeff a couple hours to himself to decompress and do something fun (I knew I'd have a ton of help with the kids once I got to Joel's), but since Carter decided to have the most epic of meltdowns due to yet another no nap day (what the eff is up with this?!), I knew he would need to be in bed pretty early and that taking him out to a house where his crazy uncles would rile him up and where we probably wouldn't get home until after his bedtime, wasn't a stellar idea. Anyway, so it was just Grayson and I who went for supper and visiting with my family, without the distraction of a crazy toddler made for a relaxing evening. 

3. I should have put this as one of my graces for Friday, but forgot. So, as I mentioned, Friday was Jeff's first day back to work and my first day alone with two kids. At one point, I was in the kitchen and both boys were in the living room; Grayson was in his swing sleeping and Carter was playing on the play mat. I heard Grayson start to squawk, which, like most newborns, he does in his sleep a lot. So I poked my head around the wall to see him. Carter didn't see me do this and didn't know I was watching, but as I stood there, he got up from paying with his toys and went right over to the swing. For a minute he just stood there looking at Grayson and then he finally gave him a gentle pat on the head like he always does. 

People had told me before that when you have two kids, watching them interact and bond and seeing how much they love each other is an incredible thing, but nothing prepared my heart for the love and happiness I felt in that moment. As Carter completed his check to make sure our baby was okay and sat back down to play, my heart might have exploded. I will never forget that moment.  

100 Happy Days Challenge: Day 81

For Saturday, November 8th

*If you are looking for a new drinking game, please get your beverage of choice ready and take a drink every time I say "Mickey Mouse." You are likely to be too intoxicated to finish reading this post, however. Good luck.*

Today wasn't an awesome day, but I suppose not every day can be. I felt a little cranky, really tired, and more inpatient than normal. Grayson has been doing better than a lot of newborns in terms of night sleep; I'd say I'm averaging about five to five and a half hours of (broken) sleep, but that's up from the three or so I was getting in the first week. In spite of his decent sleeping, I'm still only getting five hours, which obviously isn't really enough for anyone and I'm sure my body is trying desperately to catch up from the lack of sleep last week.

Grayson was fussy for a big chunk of the afternoon and I just never really managed to feel awake today. Today was a mombie day, for sure. In spite of my tiredness and my grouchiness, today had its highlights:

1. My parents came over to visit with and spend time with the boys. It was nice to break up the lazy day with a visit from people who looked awake and alert. I forgot that there were people in the world who look awake during daylight hours. Weird.

2. My Aunt and her family brought over more gifts for both Carter and Grayson. Carter got these Mickey Mouse pajamas. He is obsessed with Mickey Mouse right now and there are days where he will only wear Mickey Mouse clothes (which is a serious problem, because I only have two Mickey Mouse shirts for him). They buy my boys the cutest things. I truly don't care about people buying either of the boys gifts, but the fact that they do and the fact that they are excited to do it makes me feel like they just really love my boys and makes me feel happy and grateful to have this family in my life.

3. My cousin, Nicole, came over today with her man-toy, Levi, to bring the gifts referred to above and she pointed out that I hadn't taken a photo yet of her and Grayson. She's been here a lot helping us out since he's been born, so I've had a thousand opportunities, but my brain is mush and it didn't even cross my mind! Anyway, yesterday, finally, I got some good pictures of her with my newest babe :)

100 Happy Days Challenge: Day 80

Friday, November 7th

1. Today was Jeff's first day back at work. The day wasn't awesome. I was CRAZY tired; Carter didn't nap. But, dammit, I survived and I survived without help. I knew I could call my mom or Nicole to come over, but I didn't. I wanted to know I could actually do it, I guess, and I did. AND, I did it without plopping Carter in front of the TV to watch Mickey Mouse all day. So there! 

2. My cousin Chelsey came to visit and meet the baby. I haven't spent time with her, just the two of us in years and it was so nice. She brought us a congratulations on the new baby card and gave us a gift card for the movie theatre saying that our very first date night post-baby was on her! She said that she figured we had all the baby stuff we needed, and she's right, especially since Carter and Grayson were born in the same seasons, so all the clothes I have are even seasonally appropriate. I thought it was such a smart idea to do a date night gift card instead! Thanks, Grace!

3. It's Friday. This is important now that I will be home with a toddler and a newborn. More importantly, it is a long weekend. Jeff took Monday off and Tuesday is Remembrance Day, so I get another four days with my whole little family here and with the immense help that an extra adult is. I just wish all weekends were three or four day weekends. Do I really have to share Jeff with the rest of the world? Really?!

100 Happy Days Challenge: Day 79

For Thursday, November 6th

Today was a really good day because:

1. My dear friend, Ali, whose website you can visit here, is an incredibly talented photographer. She came to our house today to do Grayson's newborn photos.

I've talked on here before about how I typically just find doing family photos stressful: I stress about what to wear, what to have Carter wear, the fact that I'm essentially useless when it comes to doing my hair and/or putting on makeup, and then I feel a lot of pressure to get good photos; to look good in them, and to get Carter to cooperate enough that we get some good shots, etc. This was probably the least stressed out I've ever been, which is impressive given the fact that we've added a fourth unpredictable element to mix: a newborn.

We did what's called a Lifestyle Shoot, which basically means that Ali captures real moments in our lives and day, rather than the "typical" posed, canned shots you see in every newborn shoot. I have to say, I really think the pictures went well, I think she got a ton of gorgeous shots, and I can't wait to see them. Grayson was a mostly happy or sleeping baby and Carter did some cute impromptu toddler stuff that made for some great moments for Ali to capture. Ali also seemed excited about some of the shots she was getting, and she's the one with the eye for pictures, so when she gets excited, I get really excited! Once I do have the photos, I will post a link to them, or post a few of them on a blog post. But I will warn you: you really want to book a session with her ;)

2. We loaded up the kids and went to Target this evening. This was our first retail experience with two kids and I'm not sure it can be deemed a success, per say. Carter had a tantrum half way through (his first ever tantrum in a store, actually) and Jeff ended up taking him to the car while I paid for the stuff in our cart, but the point is we went out and we survived. I will admit that I'm still terrified of taking the two kids out on my own. Frankly, I just don't see how it would work with any degree of success; Carter can be a really good shopper, but can also be very challenging. He will take off running, leaving me to be that mom who is running after him, attempting to haul her kid, whose body miraculously turned to jello, to the shopping cart. He doesn't freak out; he actually laughs his ass off. He must see how ridiculous I look trying to reign him in.

3. We all slept right in this morning, even Carter. We finally woke up and got up around 9:30. I got a good 5.5 hours of sleep (albeit, broken sleep), which I think isn't too bad for having a newborn. I felt really good and decently rested all day today.

Today was just a really good day.

100 Happy Days Challenge: Day 78

For Wednesday, November 5th, my three good things are: as follows: 

1. Pat came over this evening to meet Grayson and visit with me. I haven't seen her in about two weeks, so I missed her terribly. I was also so happy that she finally meet the little guy she had watched expand my belly for the eight months prior (and who I blamed for many of my crying outbursts at work). She brought me Starbucks, cuddled my little guy up right good, and stayed until 11:15 p.m. because we needed that long to catch up. I can't tell you how good it was to hear her voice and see her. And I cannot tell you how wonderful a human being I think she is.

2. Jeff took Carter to gymnastics tonight. I did consider going because I'm feeling pretty good, but I wasn't sure how well I  would do sitting on the hard bleachers. So I decided to stay home and give my broken bottom half another week to heal. I should be good to go next week. Either way, because I didn't go this week, I was alone in the house with Grayson. It was nice to have some quiet time. Because newborns just eat, sleep, poop, and look around, it almost feels like I'm alone in the house. Alone time is valuable people!

3. I'm feeling better with  every day. This means I am able to get to some housework here and there. I actually kind of enjoy cleaning. I think it's just because being in a messy house makes me feel cranky. I feel more together, with it and just happier in general when the house is cleanish. So today, I managed to get the kitchen in decent shape and I got some laundry done. I've listed cleaning as a positive before, and I'm pretty sure it makes me look like a crazy ass, but it is what it is. :)