Bloggity Vacay

I've been MIA, as you might have guessed from a complete lack of posts.

I'm not back. Well, maybe I am; I'm not sure.

I do think I need to get back into doing my three good things. I am disappointed that I stopped.

Things have been... tough lately. And I'm feeling busy - but who isn't, really.

The truth is that I've been feeling pretty low. Fairly anti-social and anti-going-out. I'm good to talk to people over text, or via email, but for some reason, the thought of getting showered and dressed appropriately, and putting on makeup and brushing my teeth, and going out to chat with someone for a few hours, is the last thing I want to do. And I don't know why.

The people that I would do this with and for are amazing people. They are funny, fun, entertaining, kind, kick-ass advice providers, and all those other things you want in a coffee date, but I just want to stay home and be by myself.

I don't feel depressed, but I do feel a certain level of low -- a certain level of frustration and disappointment in my relationships; a feeling that I think has caused me to throw out a "whatever" and retreat inward. I have been feeling this way for weeks... a month maybe, and it's getting worse.

Today, for the first time since feeling this way, I mostly just feel like having a good cry. I'm struggling to pinpoint why my feelings are leaning in this way, but thankfully, I see my therapist on Wednesday and I'm hoping to dig into some of this with her.

I hope that no one reading this thinks this is in any way about them. This isn't about any one particular person and, I promise, this is about me. I know that it is. It's just a matter of sitting down and spending some time figuring out why I am feeling so off lately.

I'm sorry that my first post back in such a long time is a depressing one, but this is the reason I've been struggling with coming back. The blog has been heavily on my mind for weeks, but I just haven't been in a place to really write a post. The desire has been absent. But maybe just saying this - getting it out there - is what I need. I need to give myself good blog.

I certainly wouldn't call this good blog; by far, not my best, but sometimes you take what you can get in this world.

DAY 133 - Friday, February 3, 2017 - Because the HUSBAND WILL BE IN THE HIZZLE PIZZLE

Yes. Caps.

Jeff's flight was supposed to be in at 8:00 p.m. tonight, but it was delay after delay, after delay and now, it is midnight and he just texted me to let me know he's in a cab on his way home. It's been a long day for him and I feel bad. But, he'll be home in the next 15 minutes. I can't wait to wake up with him tomorrow.

Aside from the fact that Jeff will be home, these are some of the good things my day brought:

1. As a part of the boys' bedtime routine, I read them books together in Gray's room and then we turn off the lamp, and Carter waits for me by the door while I give Grayson a good cuddle. I hold him like a baby and he snuggles right in. It's the best. Tonight, though, he was hugging me back. He put his hand inside the sleeve of my sweater (by my shoulder) to rub my arm, just as I was rubbing his back, and he wrapped his other arm around my other side. It felt like he was trying to cuddle me back.

2. Before books started, Carter "read" one of the books to Grayson. He can't read, of course, but he has a good deal of the story memorized. It was one of those moments that gave way to an emotional exhale.

3. Sometimes, when I watch Carter interact with Grayson, I can see that he's reproducing my actions, my words, my tone of voice, etc. It's so neat to see and, though I guess I would say that I'm a nurturing mom, you never really see yourself in action. But when Carter does so many of the things that he does to and with his baby brother, it's a mirror that reflects my interactions with Gray. It's comforting to see that Carter has picked up on the nurturing side of my parenting. It reminds me that it is important to model that behaviour to him.

Oh, people. I am falling asleep sitting up at this point. Also, I think there is a car in my driveway. This means that it's time for me to go.

DAY 132 - Thursday, February 2, 2017 - Because the Bad Moods Dissipate

It is Thursday night at 10:46 and I sit in my obnoxiously large bed alone for the last night. Tomorrow night, Jeff will be home. *exhale*

Today was a workday and I felt deflated for most of the day, but as I made my way to the babysitter's to pick up my boys, my mood started to shift. I expected this to happen. My "low" moods are typically short-lived. A few good things helped move me back into happy, patient-mom mode.

1. The babysitter sent me this text today:
My two are the two on either end. I just can't handle all of the cuteness in this picture and I LOVE that she sent me the text. It's the best middle-of-the day pick-me-up. (God, I love hyphenating words!)

2. I got to hear Jeff's voice today. We had a quick phone call. My god, I miss that man. We have been together for almost 12 years and I still feel like someone with a crush. It's weird and freaking awesome.

3. The evening with the kids went really well. Everyone ate well and was mostly happy and well behaved. Bedtime was easy, for once, and everyone fell asleep quickly and with no tears. HELLS YES to that.

DAY 131 - Wednesday, February 1, 2017 - Because Motherhood is Hard Sometimes

I struggled through motherhood today. It was an early, long day with no break. Gray didn't nap. Carter woke me up crazy early this morning and because he was up so early, he was just a grouch ass all day. I didn't sit down to do something pleasant for even five minutes. Finding the moments of joy in they day were rough, but they were there and, in spite of the fact that I seriously considered giving them away, they have to do with the kids.

1. Grayson climbed out of his crib for the first time today. This is what lead to the no-nap.

As usual, I read Gray his books before naptime. When I put him in his crib he had no interest in actually laying down so I told him I would stay and I sat on the chair. He spent, probably 20 minutes running around in his crib and goofing off. He was happy, but definitely not sleeping. I gave up and left because I was starved out. He got pissed off when I left and started to protest with dramatic cries for "mama." Screw that; Mama was hungry.

So I heat up some food and get to the living room to sit down on the couch next to Carter. Gray was actually being quiet and I thought maybe he fell asleep and then heard a bang, but it wasn't any louder then when he kicks the wall (which he does all the time) and that's exactly what I thought it was. But then it sounded like his sound machine was louder and that's when I knew: holy shit, his door must be open. Now standing in front of the couch, half hunched over like I'm going to sit, staring down the hallway and out he comes, traipsing down the hallway in his sleep sack. It was the most hilarious sight I've ever seen. I'm not sure what made it so funny. How he was walking in the sleep sack, both awkwardly and nonchalantly at the same time.

It probably doesn't sound all that funny, but I nearly died laughing. I was just in total shock.

So, apparently, it's time to get him a toddler bed :-/

2. Looking in on Gray when he was "reading" himself books in his room and seeing that he was literally "reading" every single book on his shelf. He made quite the mess, but I sat there watching him "read" for about 30 seconds, just smiling like a crazy woman. It's so neat to watch them develop.

3. Playing Snakes and Ladders with my Carter Cute Pants. Grayson was right all up in my business, which made it difficult, but I was the queen of freaking multitasking today. There's nothing quite like having two people talk to you at the same time all day.

And with that, my empty bed awaits my tired, slightly grouchy and low self, so it's time to hit the hay.

G'night.