Exercise - to post or not to post: that is the question.

Humans, this is the exercise video I do every other day (on the no run days) and it makes me want to die. Notes: 1. I don't do the full exercise; it's too hard and after years of sitting on the couch, I need to ease myself in. 2. I DO NOT remember jumping jacks being so hard. 3. During these exercises, I'm constantly reminded that my leg and core (ab) strength is in the tank. I hope that in time I start to find these less "impossible" and start to feel stronger in my body. Feeling how weak I am stinks. 4. I decided to do my workout today in the early part of the day because I am heading into work this afternoon, and then attending a work supper tonight and knew that would mean a 9:00 p.m. workout after a full day of zero Jeff time. 5. I'm glad it's not even 11:00 a.m. yet and the workout is already done. 6. My god, do I need a shower. 7. It's EFFING difficult to do a workout at home with the kids. Every time I got on the ground to do an ab exercise, Gray tried to sit on me. They also both kept walking in front of my phone where I had the video playing, so I couldn't see. So, in addition to gasping for that glorious, life-giving oxygen like a woman in labour, I was also trying to get the kids to not get in the way of the workout completely. 8. I look like a total goon doing half of these things. I actually laugh out loud at myself sometimes. Thank god no one sees this crap. 9. When I do the cardio parts I can always feel my belly fat jiggling around which is effing gross and actually makes me more motivated to keep going. I'm going to *try* to wear a bikini to the beach this summer... and do it without feeling so self-conscious that I just want to have the kids bury me in the sand the whole time. 9a. My belly is the main reason I started exercising. I don't care about my weight. I don't care about having a perfectly flat stomach, but I am sick of feeling like I have to dress in layers because I am embarrassed by my how my belly looks. (This is just my judgement on how I feel in my body; this is NOT a judgement I am making on how all bodies should look.) I am toying with the idea of taking a picture of how I really look (in a bikini) so that: 1.) People can see what I'm talking about because I think half the people think I'm full of crap. 2.) Showing everyone who thinks I'm "skinny" that I have a normal, bumpy body like everyone else and while, yes, we all have different variations of that, no one's body is perfect. (Okay, maybe some people's are "perfect" but I vote we stop talking to those a-holes.) 3.) So that every month I can take a picture in the same bathing suit to track my progress. My concerns with posting this kind of photo are many: 1. I don't want people to think I'm just doing it for attention (but then I recognize that I can't control how other people respond. I can only control my own actions and if I know that my motivations are pure, eff what everyone else thinks.) 2. I am scared to show people what I actually look like. No more hiding under 2 shirts that (somewhat) mask my belly flab. And there you have it, people. Now, I am toting my munchkins off to my mom's so I can come home and get in that much-needed shower. Have a wonderful day yous people.

How do you blog again?

That's a thing, right? Forgetting how to blog. I'm sure it is, so in this post, I'm just going to say a bunch of random things. Some will be personal and wildly inappropriate, but I suppose if you continue reading, you will simply have to accept this risk.

1. Tonight, was bath night for the boys. I uttered these words:
"Grayson, get your head off of brother's butt. We don't put our heads on people's butts, okay?"

2. I've said this before, but I'll say it again: I think that they (you know, engineers and science-folk) need to come up with a way to harvest the energy from cat purrs. Can you imagine if you could lower your energy bill by keeping your cat happy? We would have no homeless cats, all happy cats, and a less-stressed society. It's win-win-win, really.

3. Tonight, Jeff made me a tortilla-type soup as I requested. He did this while I took nap. I mean, seriously. #WINNINGwithHim

4. Remember how before you had kids, you and your spouse would go to kids' movies at the theatre purely by choice? Yeah. I remember that.

5. I have noticed that when I am ovulating (this might be the TIM portion...), I get bloated. My stomach actually looks significantly bigger. I'm talking three months pregnant bigger. Also, my skin breaks out. I mean, this seems like bad evolutionary planning to me, no? Would the cavemen have been lining up? I think not.

6. Speaking of my body, I have gained about 10 1/2 pounds since going on my anti-depressants for anxiety. Where has it gone you ask? Well, I'll tell you: 1) my stomach 2) my thighs 3) my boobs 4) my butt. And in that order. I mean, really, why can't it go to the boobs first?

I'm toying with the idea of posting more about the weight gain. I've never been a person who was "unhappy" with their body. I mean, sure, there has always been a long list of things I don't like, but I'm certain everyone has that list. But this is new territory for me. But posting about weight brings up a whole host of other issues that I would open those blogs posts with, so I'm really hesitant to start up posts about my weight. I worry about what kind of reaction I'll get from people (negative) and I also don't want it to be viewed as an attempt to garner attention and those, "no, you look great" comments. I remind myself that the reality is that I have no control over how people respond to things that I post, so it has to come back to me and the question: is this something you feel comfortable sharing and will it benefit you in any way to post it? And I'm just unsure about the answer to either of those questions. So, for now, I wait.

7. You know what I love about being a grown-up? Picking out my own cereal. That's seriously the best. I open our cereal cupboard and it's all the cereals that I want. It's pure happiness in that cupboard.

Signing off for now. Lucky I'll likely be back with more random posts cause, I'll tell ya, some of the random crap that runs through my mind... well... it needs to be shared.

Oh, and Happy Easter.

Bloggity Vacay

I've been MIA, as you might have guessed from a complete lack of posts.

I'm not back. Well, maybe I am; I'm not sure.

I do think I need to get back into doing my three good things. I am disappointed that I stopped.

Things have been... tough lately. And I'm feeling busy - but who isn't, really.

The truth is that I've been feeling pretty low. Fairly anti-social and anti-going-out. I'm good to talk to people over text, or via email, but for some reason, the thought of getting showered and dressed appropriately, and putting on makeup and brushing my teeth, and going out to chat with someone for a few hours, is the last thing I want to do. And I don't know why.

The people that I would do this with and for are amazing people. They are funny, fun, entertaining, kind, kick-ass advice providers, and all those other things you want in a coffee date, but I just want to stay home and be by myself.

I don't feel depressed, but I do feel a certain level of low -- a certain level of frustration and disappointment in my relationships; a feeling that I think has caused me to throw out a "whatever" and retreat inward. I have been feeling this way for weeks... a month maybe, and it's getting worse.

Today, for the first time since feeling this way, I mostly just feel like having a good cry. I'm struggling to pinpoint why my feelings are leaning in this way, but thankfully, I see my therapist on Wednesday and I'm hoping to dig into some of this with her.

I hope that no one reading this thinks this is in any way about them. This isn't about any one particular person and, I promise, this is about me. I know that it is. It's just a matter of sitting down and spending some time figuring out why I am feeling so off lately.

I'm sorry that my first post back in such a long time is a depressing one, but this is the reason I've been struggling with coming back. The blog has been heavily on my mind for weeks, but I just haven't been in a place to really write a post. The desire has been absent. But maybe just saying this - getting it out there - is what I need. I need to give myself good blog.

I certainly wouldn't call this good blog; by far, not my best, but sometimes you take what you can get in this world.

DAY 133 - Friday, February 3, 2017 - Because the HUSBAND WILL BE IN THE HIZZLE PIZZLE

Yes. Caps.

Jeff's flight was supposed to be in at 8:00 p.m. tonight, but it was delay after delay, after delay and now, it is midnight and he just texted me to let me know he's in a cab on his way home. It's been a long day for him and I feel bad. But, he'll be home in the next 15 minutes. I can't wait to wake up with him tomorrow.

Aside from the fact that Jeff will be home, these are some of the good things my day brought:

1. As a part of the boys' bedtime routine, I read them books together in Gray's room and then we turn off the lamp, and Carter waits for me by the door while I give Grayson a good cuddle. I hold him like a baby and he snuggles right in. It's the best. Tonight, though, he was hugging me back. He put his hand inside the sleeve of my sweater (by my shoulder) to rub my arm, just as I was rubbing his back, and he wrapped his other arm around my other side. It felt like he was trying to cuddle me back.

2. Before books started, Carter "read" one of the books to Grayson. He can't read, of course, but he has a good deal of the story memorized. It was one of those moments that gave way to an emotional exhale.

3. Sometimes, when I watch Carter interact with Grayson, I can see that he's reproducing my actions, my words, my tone of voice, etc. It's so neat to see and, though I guess I would say that I'm a nurturing mom, you never really see yourself in action. But when Carter does so many of the things that he does to and with his baby brother, it's a mirror that reflects my interactions with Gray. It's comforting to see that Carter has picked up on the nurturing side of my parenting. It reminds me that it is important to model that behaviour to him.

Oh, people. I am falling asleep sitting up at this point. Also, I think there is a car in my driveway. This means that it's time for me to go.

DAY 132 - Thursday, February 2, 2017 - Because the Bad Moods Dissipate

It is Thursday night at 10:46 and I sit in my obnoxiously large bed alone for the last night. Tomorrow night, Jeff will be home. *exhale*

Today was a workday and I felt deflated for most of the day, but as I made my way to the babysitter's to pick up my boys, my mood started to shift. I expected this to happen. My "low" moods are typically short-lived. A few good things helped move me back into happy, patient-mom mode.

1. The babysitter sent me this text today:
My two are the two on either end. I just can't handle all of the cuteness in this picture and I LOVE that she sent me the text. It's the best middle-of-the day pick-me-up. (God, I love hyphenating words!)

2. I got to hear Jeff's voice today. We had a quick phone call. My god, I miss that man. We have been together for almost 12 years and I still feel like someone with a crush. It's weird and freaking awesome.

3. The evening with the kids went really well. Everyone ate well and was mostly happy and well behaved. Bedtime was easy, for once, and everyone fell asleep quickly and with no tears. HELLS YES to that.

DAY 131 - Wednesday, February 1, 2017 - Because Motherhood is Hard Sometimes

I struggled through motherhood today. It was an early, long day with no break. Gray didn't nap. Carter woke me up crazy early this morning and because he was up so early, he was just a grouch ass all day. I didn't sit down to do something pleasant for even five minutes. Finding the moments of joy in they day were rough, but they were there and, in spite of the fact that I seriously considered giving them away, they have to do with the kids.

1. Grayson climbed out of his crib for the first time today. This is what lead to the no-nap.

As usual, I read Gray his books before naptime. When I put him in his crib he had no interest in actually laying down so I told him I would stay and I sat on the chair. He spent, probably 20 minutes running around in his crib and goofing off. He was happy, but definitely not sleeping. I gave up and left because I was starved out. He got pissed off when I left and started to protest with dramatic cries for "mama." Screw that; Mama was hungry.

So I heat up some food and get to the living room to sit down on the couch next to Carter. Gray was actually being quiet and I thought maybe he fell asleep and then heard a bang, but it wasn't any louder then when he kicks the wall (which he does all the time) and that's exactly what I thought it was. But then it sounded like his sound machine was louder and that's when I knew: holy shit, his door must be open. Now standing in front of the couch, half hunched over like I'm going to sit, staring down the hallway and out he comes, traipsing down the hallway in his sleep sack. It was the most hilarious sight I've ever seen. I'm not sure what made it so funny. How he was walking in the sleep sack, both awkwardly and nonchalantly at the same time.

It probably doesn't sound all that funny, but I nearly died laughing. I was just in total shock.

So, apparently, it's time to get him a toddler bed :-/

2. Looking in on Gray when he was "reading" himself books in his room and seeing that he was literally "reading" every single book on his shelf. He made quite the mess, but I sat there watching him "read" for about 30 seconds, just smiling like a crazy woman. It's so neat to watch them develop.

3. Playing Snakes and Ladders with my Carter Cute Pants. Grayson was right all up in my business, which made it difficult, but I was the queen of freaking multitasking today. There's nothing quite like having two people talk to you at the same time all day.

And with that, my empty bed awaits my tired, slightly grouchy and low self, so it's time to hit the hay.

G'night.

DAY 130 - Tuesday, January 31, 2017 - Because Motherhood

Today didn't get off to the best start, but once I got into work, things improved. I had a good day at the office and was looking forward to picking up my little lads at the end of the day. All of my good things have to do with the kids, so this is going to be a pretty lame mom post. I'd say I'm sorry, but that would be a lie.

1. I dropped Carter's preschool application off before I got into work today.

I remember when we bought this house, seeing how close that school was and thinking that would likely be the school that our kids attended. I remember walking into the house for the very first time and thinking, "one day, I will put a little person in a backpack in this landing before walking them down the street to school every day." I hadn't pictured moments like that in any house we'd seen up to that point. This house was the 14th house that we saw.

And now, that moment with the backpack and the walk down the block is one in my direct line of sight.

I know it's so annoying to talk about how much I can't believe we're at this stage, but I can't. For me, parenthood is a strange thing that way; there are these milestones that, at one time, feel like they are light years away and, yet, they are in your present before you've fully comprehended your past. I also think that before the babies show up, there are a bunch of milestones that are marker moments that you imagine over and over. You find out your pregnant *marker*; you give birth *marker + stitches*; baby is one month old *marker*; baby is six months old *marker*; baby turns one year, starts walking, starts talking... *marker, marker, marker*. For me there is a disbelief in those moments because I imagined them for so long and so many times over. And, now they are upon us. They have moved from fantasy into reality. It's a weird transition for my brain to make.

And now I have a five-year old who will be attending kindergarten in the fall. I am soon to be the mom of a kindergartener.

2. Gray was so funny this evening. Lately, he pulls himself up onto the chair in his room and insists on reading himself books, "Grayson read." And so, tonight, he sat on my lap and read his own books. One of the books he read was "Twinkle, Twinkle, You're My Star." He sang it... and danced while he sang. I mean... holy crap. Another one was, "How Do Dinosaurs Act When They're Mad." We read this book a lot, so he knows the basics of what a lot of the pages say. I sat there in that chair thinking about how he was our surprise baby and relishing in how complete he has made our lives and our family. He's such a little personality already and he's such a smart little monster.

3. After I read books to Carter, I didn't lay down with him like I usually do because I hadn't eaten supper and I was starved out. I told him I'd come back after I got some food into my gullet. After eating, as I walked into his room, we nearly ran into each other in his doorway; he was coming out to see where I was. "You done your pizza now, Mom?" "Yup, I was just coming in to lay with you." He smiled, and grabbed my hand, "Come on, Mom."

We crawled into his bed and had our usual argument over who loves who more. Then he threw himself at me to give me the biggest hug. He's still pretty affectionate for a five year old. I know that will become less and less as he gets older, but I secretly hope that he's always a mama's boy.

And those were the pleasantries of my day. Those were the moments where I thought, "this really is the best that it can possibly be: this, right here -- how I feel in this moment. Like I couldn't be more in love." Those are the moments that sustain the rest of life - the hard and mundane parts. At least, that is my truth.