Back to Work

Tonight I put my baby boy and his big brother to bed for the first time knowing I have to work tomorrow morning.

I have left the Mayor's Office at the City and tomorrow I start a new position -- Communications Assistant -- at Luther College at the U of R. I am really looking forward to re-entering the land of adulthood for a few days a week and getting life back into something more reliably routine. This position puts me on course to my career path of choice: communications. Also, it is part-time at only 2.5 days per week and, for the month of October, is actually only 1.5 days per week, which will be a nice, gentle way for me to ease myself back into working. I think it is the perfect blend of working outside and inside the home.

I am very excited about this change in my life, but I am struggling emotionally with the reality that this marks the end of one of the most incredibly rewarding, difficult, and love-filled phases of my life. Grayson always goes down before Carter, and reading him his pre-bedtime books was hard. Then I did books with Carter. That was rough too. It brought me back to this time last year when I was just barely off of work. I was roughly 36 weeks pregnant and reading to my Carter every night before bed - knowing that soon, one of these nights would be the last night he would be my only priority in the evening. It was such an exciting time -- waiting for my body to make the move that would forever change our family. Knowing that I had a year off with these little boys to kiss and cuddle them all day. It was harder and more precious to me than I ever could have prepared myself for.

Tonight I read the last book to Carter, again distinctly aware that things are about to change. After the last book, I turned off his light and he said to me, "You stayin' home with me tomorrow, Mom?" I'll tell ya, I just about died.

I just never in a million years thought this would be so hard. The boys are going to my mom's tomorrow, which makes it easier. And - again - this is only part time, which means that I get 2.5 days a week WITH my boys. This makes things much, much easier. But my heart is still breaking at the end of this part of our journey. I have loved it so much more than I can express.

I am so very blessed that the universe saw fit to make me the mom of these beautiful little boys. I certainly don't always feel like the best mom, but I am certain no one can love my little boys better than I can and I hold on to that when I'm feeling down on myself.

While the phrase, "don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened," is on a neon flashing sign in my head, and while I realize that having a whole year off with my kids is a luxury that a lot of women in the world do not have, I am going to allow myself this moment of sadness. Saying goodbye to this time in my life IS emotional and, if my life wasn't so amazing, it wouldn't be. And so, I will make my tea - as usual - and allow myself to shed a few more tears.

I can't say it enough: this time when they are small simply goes too fast. <3