DAY 99 - Saturday, December 31, 2016 - NYE Edition

... and by NYE Edition, I mean, "this post will be exactly the same as all of the others, except that I am writing it on New Year's Eve." True Story. My life is lame and pretty much the same day-to-day; I'm sure that's a real shocker to many. So, if you're someone who actually takes the time to read these every day, you're either crazy, or you really, really love me a latte. Mmmmm lattes...

How cool is it that my hundredth post is on the last day of 2016? Well, I think it's cool. I don't really have more to say on that; I just think it's cool.

Okay, so our last day of the year. Like I said, the day was pretty much like every other day.

I am not -- and have never been -- a New Year's kind of person. I think that's because I'm not a big partier. Well, that's not really true; I like games night type parties. I'm okay with drinking at those parties, but I have zero interest in parties where people just want to get shmammered. I would much rather be up all hours of the night, laughing my ass off at a games night where my fellow party-goers are as willing to make an ass of themselves as am I. That's my idea of a good time.

So, my number one "good thing" for this, the last day of 2016, is simply staying in on NYE. Being in our nice, cozy house is my version of the best way to say goodbye to one year and welcome in the next. We watched a movie, drank tea, and I folded laundry. A little domestic bliss action right there.

The second good thing would be how clean my house is since the cleaners came today. It looks and smells amazing. Like so many people told me I would before I hired a cleaning service, I now wonder why we didn't do it sooner.

And my final good thing is a repeat and will continue to be a repeat for as long as I continue to do this: reading both boys their bedtime books. Yes, sometimes it's nice when Jeff reads them those bedtime books and I can finish the dishes, or cleaning up, or just sit on the couch and scroll through Facebook, but (and I don't know how to explain this or why this is so) reading to them, all cozied up in bed (or in Gray's case, in the rocking chair with him on my lap) feels like one of the most motherly things I do. I love it. They love it. And it makes me feel really good about myself as a mom when I'm doing it. Maybe it's the just present, very uninterrupted time. Maybe it's that they are rarely calm, or sitting still. In those 15 minutes, it is quiet. We are coming down from the mayhem of the day and just being together. Yeah, maybe it's a combination of a bunch of those things. Either way, as I put them to bed tonight, I was glad that I was the one doing it.

So that was our day. I hope your last day of 2016 was wonderful and that you spent it surrounded by those you love and those who love you most in the world.

DAY 98 - Friday, December 30, 2016 - A Good Day with some Good Things

Today was a good day. Normally, I post a bunch of proud mom stuff about something funny or cute my kid(s) said or did, but today, my post is actually going to be all about how great my day was without the kids. Simultaneously terrible, and not terrible.

1. My parents took the kids for the afternoon and overnight. It was lovely to have an afternoon AND an evening to ourselves. I was barely productive and I don't regret it one bit. It was an opportunity to laze about and decompress and I soaked in that responsibility-free time.

2. I watched two documentaries. I love me a good documentary. I watched Amy about Amy Winehouse. Such a predictably sad, but still interesting story. A tragedy, for sure.

We also watched Citizenfour, which is the story of Edward Snowden and the revelations he made back in 2013 regarding the NSA's complete invasion of the general public's privacy. It's one of those stories that seems like it should be fiction; sadly, it isn't.

I highly recommend giving both a watch, if you've got a couple free hours on your hands.

3. Even though we had a night without the kids, we didn't really do a "date night". We did run to Walmart and Shoppers before picking up our takeout food though.

As Jeff grabbed my hand in the parking lot on the way into Shoppers, he laughed and said, "Wow. We sure know how to do date night, don't we?!" I laughed and agreed but then said that, the truth is, that I wouldn't actually want to do it any other way. Running a few quick errands with him before heading back home to our warm house, the blanket on the couch, a good cup of tea, and some movie watching together is pretty close to perfection to me.

And that was Friday. Aren't I just full of excitement?

DAY 97 - Thursday, December 29, 2016 - 3 Good Things

1. Today was my day to sleep in. I didn't actually sleep, but I enjoyed the sheer laziness of laying in bed for about an hour, listening to my boys banter with each other. Grayson's little baby voice, chattering away, and Carter being as conversational as he always is. I smiled, more than once, to myself.

2. This afternoon, we took the kids sledding with my brother, Curt (and at his suggestion). The weather was incredible and they had a blast. And getting exercise, sunlight and fresh air was good for us adults.

3. Tonight, after we got the kids into bed, Jeff and I played Scrabble and half-watched Exract. I love that movie; I love Scrabble; I lost the game by seven danged points.

DAY 96 - Wednesday, December 28, 2016 - Christmas Baking, Grandpa Love, & a Hot Date

A quickie, 'cause then everyone wins.

1. We have mostly bunkered down at home and it's been awesome. I'm going days without donning bras or makeup. I don't look good, but I feel like a million freaking doll-hairs. Tonight, though, we braved the world and left the house. We went to my parents' and mooched supper and then stole a bunch of Christmas baking. *hehe* Okay, we didn't steal it, but it felt evil and magnificent just the same.

2. While we were at my parents' my dad got home from work. Both boys ran over to him and squealed like their butts were on fire. Somehow, watching them react to Pepe that way still hasn't gotten old.

3. Tonight, I met Pat for a movie date. We watched Collateral Beauty. It's terribly sad in parts and we both cried (shocking, yes, I know). So, like most heterosexual friends who enjoy crying at movies together, we held hands; just for the hardest bit -- but still. This is indicative of the kind of relationship I have with this woman. It's weird, and close, and truthful, and warm, and safe, and so many other things.

It has been nearly ten years since I've read Virginia Woolf's, Mrs. Dalloway, but one of the things that I loved so much about that novel was this idea that we are connected to every person we meet, from lovers, to family, to the cab driver we chatted to on our way home from the airport. I imagine looking down, at the history of one's life, and seeing all of the threads that connect them to various people they've met - some right in their own home and some half way across the globe. And when I look at the spider web, some of the threads have a distinct glisten to them. They are brighter and look stronger. Thicker. And those threads are very few in our lives, but they have a sustainability and a longevity. They are connections of the soul, I imagine; connections that cannot be matched. Other than my family, the love of my life, and my beautiful baby boys, I have two of these connections. Pat is one of them.

Is it weird to say we are soul mates of sorts? I don't care if it is; it's true.

DAY 95 - Tuesday, December 27, 2016 - Leaving the House and Movie Night Successes

1. We did a family trip to the grocery store. This has essentially been our first outing since Christmas. Hanging out at home has been so nice. It's been exactly what we needed and I couldn't think of a better way to spend our Christmas break off together. The trip was to Costco and we got out of there for under $100. I don't know that this has happened more than a handful of times. Is it too late to call it a Christmas miracle?? I think not.

2. I took a nap. I don't really need to elaborate on that one. Naps are the most kick-ass. I was right out, too. Jeff said he came up to talk to me and I was snoring. #WinnerWinnerChickenDinner

3. We watched a movie tonight, just the four of us. Carter got The Secret Life of Pets for Christmas. It's his new favourite movie and, for the record, he calls it "The Secret Lifeses of Pets" (to which, when corrected today he told me, "I can say it however I want, Mom"). We huddled up with both kids on the lounger chairs in the media room. We expected Carter to watch the whole thing, no problem, but anticipated Grayson would sit for approximately ten minutes before deciding he wanted to run off and play. Nope, Grayson was glued to that screen. He absolutely loved it and I absolutely loved watching him love it.

And this, my friends, would be what I would call a successful Tuesday.

DAY 94 - Monday, December 26, 2016 - The Day After

It's the day after Christmas and we lazed it up right good.

1. We spent another day at home, which was glorious. After all the pre-Christmas rushing around that we did, some much needed down time is finally available for the taking; and -- oh man -- are we taking.

2. Okay, so I didn't totally laze it up. I took a good two hours and cleaned the house. It felt nice to clean and be productive and now the house looks awesome. Okay, maybe not awesome, but at least you can't scrape up the food on our dining room floor and present it as a full meal now.

3. This evening we had a visit from Krystal, my sister-in-spirit/soul sister, and her youngest, Kayleigh. Carter loves Kayleigh and, because he can never remember anyone's name, calls her "that guy." They played well together, which gave us a good chance to chat. It was lovely. I always wish I had more time with her, but a day will come where we take a vacation together. I await this day.

4. After Jeff and I got the kids to bed, we watched a movie. We haven't had an evening alone together in two and a half weeks. It had been far too long and sitting on the couch with him made me happy and grateful. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm pretty in love with this guy.

And that was our day after. Perfect in its pleasantness.

Dear People Who Feel That I "Overshare": Please Read

Since starting to blog about my anxiety, I've had two people in my life suggest to me that I share too much on Facebook; that the things I write about are too personal. To this, I have two responses:

1. I 100% agree with you. I do overshare... according to you. If you think I get too personal on Facebook, or my blog, or in person, or wherever, you obviously think this way because you would never post something so intimate on Facebook. And if I cross your line with my posts, I won't apologize because (now this is a real hum-dinger, so get prepared) these posts are not yours; they are mine. I would just like to encourage you to continue to do you - stay within your own limits and boundaries; only be open with the feelings, life events, insecurities, etc. that you are comfortable being open with; act and speak in accordance with what makes you most at ease. I will support you in that and not ask you to go beyond the lines within which you feel safe. But I would ask that you allow me to do the same.

If I'm sharing something on my social media, I'm clearly comfortable posting it, otherwise, I wouldn't. So, for you to judge me for "sharing too much" doesn't actually make a lick of sense. Just support people - me, all people - as they do what they need.

2. The second thing I would ask is that you stop reading the posts. Rather than turn your nose up at me for sharing my "problems", and/or turning to your spouse to snort and say, "You'll never believe what Amber posted about this time," just don't read them. If you feel that I cross the line or overshare and if you judge me for that; if you feel uncomfortable with things I post, Facebook does have a way that I can hide just those blog posts from specific people, so I would prefer to add you to that list. That way, we are all comfortable. Because, the truth is, that the only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable about the things I post is the thought that people read them and become themselves uncomfortable.

If you're uncomfortable, than so I am and since this is my social media space to do with what I please, I would ask that you not come in and make me uncomfortable.

I started this blog because I find myself getting trapped in circular thoughts a lot. I have always been this way and getting them "out there" makes me feel better. I do it as something of a mental health exercise. We all do things that we feel help us retain our sanity. My methods are likely just very different than yours, but I can promise not to judge yours and would ask that you don't judge mine.

I've had a number of people reach out to me about my posts. So, while you may find some of the content "too personal" this is not the experience that other people are having. Anxiety can be really lonely and it can make you feel crazy, so "airing my dirty laundry" and realizing how many other people feel that they too are under the suffocating lock and key of anxiety makes me (and them) band together in a way that makes us feel powerful and, best of all, not alone.

My last point, I suppose, more of a request: please have a little bit of empathy. You don't know what I'm going through. You don't know what someone else is going through, so instead of judging in a negative way, maybe try to understand, or, if you just can't understand, be encouraging. See the best in people and appreciate them for the ways in which they aren't you.

And those are my thoughts for the day. I had so many title ideas running around my head for this post, but I'm trying not to be mean or negative or bitchy. And I'll tell you this: I deserve a gold freaking star for the level of self-control I exercised in this post.

In the words of Ellen, "Just be kind to one another."

DAY 93 - Sunday, December 25, 2016 - Some Christmas Blog Pour Vous

I'm so behind on these blogs. I have to catch up, because if I don't, it's the beginning of the end of my three good things and I don't want that. I've got notes written in draft to ensure that I don't forget what my blessings for each day were, but I need to flesh those suckers out.

So, about Christmas Day...

1. The day was nothing short of wonderful. It was relaxed. The kids were pretty happy and well-behaved. After what has felt like weeks of packing the kids up and rushing them around from one engagement to another (as pleasant and fun as all of them were), it was nice to not feel like we had somewhere to be; like we were meeting another deadline.

The boys slept in until about 9:30 (crazy, right?!). They had gone to bed so late the night before because of Carter's birthday, so I was relieved that they both slept in so late -- makes for less grouchy kiddos. We got up, did gifts and stockings from Santa. Carter likes opening gifts, but there is still a level of indifference. Most of the time, he still had a pile of gifts to open that we'd have to remind him about. Grayson was a different story. That kid loved opening presents. I think it's his favourite thing to do... of all the things one could do in the world. It was fun to see him be so excited to open presents, especially since we've never really had that experience before with Carter.

Uncle Curt came over for brunch, but was here in time for present opening. And Amma was still here too, so she got to see the boys open their gifts. Once gifts were done, I cleaned up from Carter's party the night before, Jeff made breakie, and awesome Uncle Curt started putting the kids' toys together and playing with them. Amma left just before brunch (anyone who has had one of Jeff's breakfasts will know that this wasn't her best move), we ate brunch and mostly just hung out (with Uncle Curt) in our PJ's for the majority of the day.

Carter's new obsession is Disney Infinity on the Xbox, so he and Curt went down to play after breakfast. It might have been the sweetest thing to go downstairs and see those boys down there - sweat pants, messy hair, under blankets, sprawled out on the couch, playing video games together. It felt like what Christmas should feel like -- Uncle and Carter working on a video game together, Grayson, excitedly playing with all of his new trucks and toys, PJ's for most of the day, lots of hot coffee, new toys scattered all over the living room. I imagined that this is how every Christmas would go. I liked it.

2. Our only engagement was at my mom's, for Christmas supper with her side of the family. I have always been very close with my mom's side -- with her parents, and with my aunts, uncles, and cousins on that side, and being around them just generally makes me feel happy. We have a lot of fun together. The group as a whole likes playing games, being loud, and there is a great deal of laughter and the very best kind of chaos. It brings back very happy childhood memories and I'm grateful (and hopeful) that my kids will grow up making those same types of memories.

3. My cousin Shaun, and his wife, Kelly, have three kids. Their oldest two girls and Carter have a ball together, running around like a group of crazies. Because the girls were there, we didn't really want Carter and/or Gray opening their Christmas presents from my parents that evening because we didn't want the girls to feel left out. Grayson, the present addict, kept asking to open "just one" and would hold up one index finger and shake it from side-to-side. If he wasn't getting action from one person, he would move onto the next: going up to them, dragging them by one finger to the Christmas tree where he would hold up his index finger with a little, "just one" plea. It was so funny. I regret not recording a video of it on my phone.

A fairly predictable Christmas Edition of my Good Things, but, sometimes -- and most certainly in this case -- predictability is a good thing.

I took lots of pictures of the boys opening their gifts that day and then completely spaced and forgot to get an actual picture of them all dressed up and together at my parents' place, or a picture of the four of us together on Christmas Day. I'm so annoyed at myself and sad about it. But, it is what it is :(

DAY 92 - Saturday, December 24, 2016 - How Many Times Can I Say Love in One Post?

I'm getting to this one day late. It's nearly midnight on Christmas Day as I am typing this, but the past few days have just been those non-stop kind of days. I did make notes last night, however, so I would remember the joys of my day, although, the fact that it was Carter's birthday actually made the day pretty memorable anyway.

These are my notes:
1. Boys slept in until 9

2. Carter's birthday: five years old!!

3. For his birthday, we went to a movie and had family over. Not Christmas Eve - it's his birthday.

So now, I elaborate. Lucky you.

Number one is pretty self-explanatory. I woke up at about 9:10 this morning. Most parents will tell you that this is always glorious.

2. Celebrating Carter's birthday. I know I say this an annoying amount, but I just love him so much. I wish that those words could convey 1% of how much love I feel for this little boy, but it can't. He's so loveable. I love that now that he's five, he understands birthdays and the idea that it's his special day to do whatever he wants. It's so much fun to make the day all about him.

3. Every year for his birthday, we've always had family (and sometimes friends) over to celebrate with supper, cake, treats (Christmas treats: baking, squares, etc.), and then -- of course -- presents for the birthday boy. It doesn't even feel like Christmas Eve anymore and hasn't since he the day he was born. It just feels like Carter's birthday, and then the next day is always Christmas. Aside from not even feeling like Christmas Eve, we absolutely don't make it about Christmas at all; the whole day is only about his birthday.

Anyway, since he's getting older, I thought we would actually have family do something for the party, so this year I thought we would go sledding at the park by our house, then come back to our place for supper and the party as usual. But on Friday, Carter and Amma were talking about going to the movie Sing so I asked Carter if he wanted to do the movie or sledding; he choose the movie.

It worked out for the best, because the day actually ended up being pretty damned cold. Amma stayed home with the napping Grayson, and none of my family came, so it was just Jeff, me, and our birthday boy and it was perfect. I'm so glad no one else decided to come, to be honest, and I'm hoping that this turns into something of a tradition for his birthday. Once Gray is old enough, he will of course join us (if he chooses to) for big brother's birthday boy movie choice. But what a wonderful tradition this could be: a movie with just our little family (birthday boy's choice, of course) and then a a supper and celebration with more family. Sounds perfect to me.

After the movie, we came home and got things ready and my family came over. Normally, I invite my mom's whole side, but this year, I was just too tired to make it so big. It's big enough anyway, with those people that do come and I just didn't have it in me to put on a big party and have a crazy full house. Having Cater's favourite people in the world there and watching how they interact with and love him just made me so grateful for the family that we have. They love my boys as much as I do, and I couldn't hope for anything more.

So, thank you, to my family who came, who called, who messaged, etc. for loving my boy so much and being so happy to celebrate this amazing person he is becoming. It makes me love you so much.

DAY 91 - Friday, December 23, 2016 - Giving Thoughts Purpose & Family Time

I worked today and had an awesome, crazy-productive last day before holidays, which always feels great. Because I ended up getting in some website change requests that I wasn't anticipating getting in at the beginning of the week, I ended up canceling a coffee break/date with a co-worker to try to get more things done. I felt really bad cancelling on her so I sent her a message asking if we could reschedule for after the holiday and when she replied to say no problem, she sent the nicest message.

Those sweet, encouraging messages are fuel for tired and temporarily sad souls, and though I wasn't tired or in a low period emotionally, I was feeling like a bit of a failure, for (once again) not getting nearly as much done as I thought I would/could. Reading those words of support made me feel better, and I didn't realize how much I needed to hear them until someone said them to me. This is good thing number 1. 

I would also like to use #1 to remind people that it doesn't take much to make someone's day better (or to keep that happy soul nourished and happy). So, if you think something nice about someone you know -- if you think they are kind, or funny, or beautiful, or wonderful, or bright -- just say it. Your energy is focused on that person in that moment anyway, it costs you nothing to deliver the message, and (realistically) keeping that thought trapped in your own head doesn't do anyone else any good. So share the love and give the thought purpose and you might change the course of someone's day.

My good thing number two comes in the form of baking cookies with my sweet boy. I had never attempted gingerbread before (or any rolled dough cookie, actually), and I did have some challenges, but they turned out okay. Not great. Just okay. They taste good, but are too thick. I half expected to toss them all in the garbage, so the outcome was better than I anticipated. #ConsiderItAWin. I've learned a few things for next time. 

I had about a hundred other things I should have done, but kept reminding myself that this time, these experiences, are what memories are made of -- not how clean our house was.

3. Tonight, I put a four year old to bed for the last time. I feel as though nearly every parent says the same thing every time their child celebrates a birthday, but I can't help but be a part of that group. So, I will say the cliché: I can't believe another year has passed and I will have a five-year-old tomorrow. 

When I watch him unfold into the person he's going to be, I'm already so proud. He's one of the sweetest kids I've ever met. He's a soft little boy who is free and open with his affection (jeez, I wonder where he gets that from... 😏); he's funny already (he coined the term "yumtastic" for those most delicious of meals and treats); he's smart; and he's (one of the two) most beautiful little boy(s) I've ever seen. I'm so lucky to be his mom and to get to love him so much.

The last good thing I want to highlight comes in the form of the always sought after warm fuzzies. Tonight, after we got the kids to bed, we wrapped presents - birthday and Christmas. While we wrapped, we had that oh-so-wonderful fake fire on the TV, which is (thankfully) accompanied by Christmas music. The tree lights were on (as they are all the time when we're home) and it just gave me those warm fuzzies and, most will agree - there is no better feeling.

DAY 90 - Thursday, December 22, 2016: Work Lunch, Much Love, & Family Cuddles

Quickly...

1. Today was my office Christmas lunch. It was lovely. We laughed a lot. Laughter is good. #TheThingsYouKnow

2. I have two friends (Pat and Krystal) who I say "I love you" to a lot. And they say it to me a lot. Pretty much every single time we talk. They are the people I am closest people in my life and I am always thankful to have them, but as Christmas approaches, my mush levels rise, so I get extra thankful for them during the holidays (who knew it was possible to become more of a mushball than I was?!).

3. Tonight, Jeff and the kids and I curled up under a blanket and played video games. Well, Gray and I didn't play; we just sat there and looked super freakin' cute. But still, that counts. #ILoveMyBoys

DAY 89 - Wednesday, December 21, 2016: Workie, Christmas Lights, & Procrastination

1. Back to work for me today. I was exceptionally tired, but the day went fast, which is always a bonus. It was just me in the office today, which is both a little lonely and kind of nice. Since it's my first "good thing", I'll focus on the nice part of it :)

2. After work, we drove around for about 40 minutes looking at lights in the north end of the city (Sparkle Tour, yo!). The kids loved it and that was freaking awesome!

3. Last night I didn't do a damned thing. I still have presents to wrap, one and one square to make, but it just wasn't happening. There's always tomorrow (yeah right!).

DAY 84 - Friday, December 16, 2016: Christmas Lunch, Lots of Laughs, Love Notes, and a Husband

It's Friday. It's cold as all get out, but it's Friday. And do you know what I know about Friday? It was awesome. It was awesome because (1) the College, where I work, had their Annual Christmas Lunch Buffet today and it was ah-mazing. I love food. I love eating.

(2) The company during lunch (my coworkers) was perfection. We laughed a lot. Conversation flowed. It was the best compliment to the best meal.

(3) When I walked in this morning, there was a note on my desk that said, "Just a small token of my appreciation for everything you do..." along with a sample of hand lotions (she knows I'm addicted to them) and Lindt chocolates (she knows I'm a choco-holic) from my boss. I wasn't expecting it. She got a hug for it. Don't worry -- I'm a really good hugger.

(4) Jeff is home. Jeff is home. Jeff is home. No further explanation required.

DAY 88 - Tuesday, December 20, 2016: Christmas Baking, Cards Night, PJ Day, and Christmas Carols

Today's boring rendition of three good things.

1. Nancy and I got some Christmas baking done today. She got significantly more done than I did, but I still got one square done and it's going to be ah-mazing. I have one easy square left to do and then we're going to make gingerbread cookies on Friday night. 

2. Tonight, Nancy and I joined my brothers for cards with/at my Grandparents' apartment. There were probably five times that I laughed so hard that my stomach actually hurt and I couldn't catch my breath.

3. Having today off was nice. Carter had his final day of preschool and is now on Christmas break and, in honour of this final day, his preschool teacher had a pajama day. He was so excited to wear his pj's. It was pretty sweet. Sometimes he's a typical, crazy, never-stops-moving five year old, and sometimes the attitude on him is somethin' else, but sometimes he's just the sweetest boy. I think it was yesterday that I said to him, "I can't believe you're going to be five," and he said, "don't be sad mom." I love this kid.

4. Walking in on Gray singing Christmas carols while he plays. Yup. He's definitely my kid.

DAY 87 - Monday, December 19, 2016: Handsome Dates, Bloggity Life, & a Quiet Evening

I'm keeping today's good things short and sweet.

1. I took Carter to his growth check today. We made it a bit of a date day. We went out for lunch to BP's, got hot chocolates and macaroon cookies from a coffee place, and then ran errands -- just the two of us. It was so nice. He's such a big boy and it's funny, taking him for lunch now, cause you have actual conversations. Yes, sometimes those conversations involve him calling me a poopy face and laughing like a maniac, but still, the stuff preceding that is usually pretty good!

2. I finally got up an anxiety blog post. I have a ton of them floating around in my head but I don't really have much time to write during the days when I'm home with the kids and then by the time I get them into bed at night and deal with Carter's four, "I have to go pee"s, it's closer to 9:00 and I usually still have something to do or to clean and I'm completely spent. The point is, I got the damned thing up and I'm danged proud of that! (That's what he said! BOOM)

3. Tonight Jeff went to a movie and my MIL went out with a friend. So I got the kids to bed, tidied the kitchen and sat down to write that anxiety blog. I had tea, Christmas baking to snack on, Christmas music, and one of those stupid fireplace videos on the TV. It was so wonderful. I loved every minute of it. Once I finished that, I chatted with Jeff when he got home, finished the dishes, and now I'm typing this in bed. I need to do nights like this more often.

And with that... Goodnight to you. 

Seeking the Safe Zone

Lately, when I get anxious or start to feel like I'm freaking out, my chest feels weird - heavy, maybe? I have no idea how to describe physically what it feels like; all I can say is that I feel the anxiety in my chest. It feels like the physical manifestation of dread. I also feel heat creep up on the back of my neck (this physical reaction is a newbie). My stomach drops, the same way it does when you know you're about to get really bad news. Good times, right? Not really, no.

Any time there is a "threat" of the stomach flu making it's way to my house, I get this reaction. This means that if we spend time one day with you and/or your kids, and you text me later to tell me that little Mary-Sue was up all night that night puking her face off, my body reacts as described above and I immediately start doing math (this is significant, because we all know that I hate math).

Okay, she was fine when we saw her. Then 8 hours later, she started vomiting. There is a good likelihood that she was already infected with the virus, but asymptomatic. So whatever she touched that my kids touched could have had the virus on it. Google tells me that, though stomach bugs tend to move pretty quickly, they can incubate for up to five days, but typically two to three). Well, we saw Mary-Sue on Thursday afternoon, so if the boys are going to get sick, it's likely going to be Friday, Saturday, or up to Sunday night. After that, if we haven't had any issues, we're probably "safe", although we won't be completely out of the woods until we make it through Monday and Tuesday night with no issues. I can't wait for Wednesday when we're in the "safe zone."

Right. Because there is such a thing as a "safe zone". Because they couldn't possibly pick up a gastro illness from somewhere else, lurking sneakily when I have no idea and do not have the benefit of being told later, by the way, that shopping cart that the kids touched? yeah, the person who touched it before you was actually sick with the stomach flu. I am not a total moron; I do know and understand this logically. But, still, I do the math and figure out where the hell the "safe zone" is so that I can look forward to that day.

Welcome to my brain, folks. This is the thinking process that anxiety sets into motion once I realize that we have been exposed to the deadly virus known to others as the stomach flu (which isn't actually a thing, by the way. Influenza is not the "stomach flu". Gastrointestinal viruses are different and not referred to, medically, as a flu at all.) In any case, I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to know how illogical something is (such as counting the days to determine on which day we enter the "safe zone"), but to feel compelled (or ordered by anxiety) to do it anyway. It's desperation. It's desperation to make that anxious feeling go away. It's knowing that for those next three days (okay, five days) that I'm not going to be exhaling in a way that is actually relieving, and desperately seeking that moment when I can exhale and allow the sensation of utter relief to pass over my body.

There are, as I've already alluded to above, a number of problems with the concept of the safe-zone, including (most notably) that it doesn't exist. But beyond its failure to exist anywhere except my anxious brain, the "safe zone" becomes the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow during cold and flu season, when it seems that everyone and their neighbour's sister's cousin's, ex-boyfriend's dog-walker has pukes or the runs. I'm constantly chasing that day five mark, only to find out on the evening of day four that someone else we know is now sick. It feels like it never ends. I feel like it narrows in on us. We're becoming enclosed. I feel like I'm in a batting cage and just as my heart rate is starting to slow down after dodging a hit to the face, another one comes hurdling and I'm scared I'm not going to dodge this one. I feel like I can't catch a break, or take a good, deep breath.

And this, my friends, is what my anxiety is like. It's the anticipation and pure dread of being the victim of this absolutely awful thing.

*SIDE NOTE: One of the interesting things my therapist said to me at my session last Thursday was that the balls are really marshmallows, not actual baseballs. The thing is that while a stomach bug is uncomfortable, it isn't really dangerous - at least not in the way my anxiety tries to tell me it is. It is a normal part of being alive -- being human -- in the same way that getting a cold is. But anxiety really ups the ante when it comes to a stomach illness. Anxiety sees the ball coming (in the form of hearing about a stomach bug) and alerts my physical body that we have clear and present danger, so we need to pump up that adrenalyn to move quickly enough so as to avoid being hit with this very hard, very fast, very dangerous ball. But there is no ball. So I get all of this pent up physical tension for nothing. And, even when the stomach virus does "hit" out house, it comes and then it goes. It's not a thing nevermind a danger. But, in case I haven't made this clear enough, anxiety is a relentless bully that continually yells in your ear and tries to push you around, so it continues on with this story of grave danger.* Sorry that was so long, but I found the analogy a really good one.

DAY 86 - Sunday, December 18, 2016: The Cold Spell has Broken!

Halleluia! It is -40 with the windchill no longer. That didn't stop us from sticking around the homestead today though. It's a good thing too, people, because I haven't washed my hair since Thursday :-/

In truth, though, that break in the temp and having another mostly at home day combine to make good thing #1. I am very much a homebody person.

2. The only "outing" we did take was to play outside in the snow for about 40 minutes. The kids have not been allowed to play outside at all because of the weather, so when the frigid temps finally took a hike, I ordered everyone to gear up.

They played outside in the front yard for a bit and then we headed over to the school by our house to go tobogganing down the hill behind it. This was the first time Gray was actually into it, so that was kind of awesome.

3. I ordered my Christmas cards today. Yes. That's right. Less than a week to go until Christmas. I'm getting worse about this every year. I will deliver them in person to most of my humans anyway, but, still, this is ridiculous. Oh, well. Maybe some year I'll be on top of it. Seems unlikely, but it is possible.

DAY 85 - Saturday, December 17, 2016: Gettin' Shit Done, Tea, Clean House, Surprise Gifts, Sleeping Baby, Night at Home

Okay, today:

1. I finally ordered Gray's Birth Certificate online today. Once I get it, I can go back to the passport office and order his passport. Passports for me and the kids have been on my to-do list for an embarrassingly long time. I went and got mine and Carter's done, but couldn't complete Gray's because I (unknowingly - like a fool) didn't have the long form Birth Certificate. So close now. This is a relief. I'm getting there. I'm gettin' shit done.

2. I did a huge tea order today on Well.ca. I got the good stuff, so if you're a tea lover, make a plan to come to my house for a cup :-) (By the way, "good stuff" = Raspberry Earl Black Tea, Gypsy Rose Black Tea, and Peppermint Mocha Tea)

3. Our awesome cleaners came again today, so we went to hang out at my parents' for a few hours while they did their thing. There is nothing better than coming home to a dusted, clean, and fantastic smelling house.

4. Jeff's past co-worker, Lynette, showed up at our house today, unexpectedly, and dropped off a gift for me. Seriously... how the hell do I have these women in my life? Clearly, I am walking down the exact right path.

5. Last week, we took Gray's soother away. I think I mentioned this in another blog. Getting him to bed this past week (as I've also mentioned) has been an absolute effing nightmare. I'm talking like two hours of working to calm him down/keep him calm. He doesn't ask for the soother, but I did wonder if that was the reason why the nights have been so terrible. Naps, too, haven't been working out for us at all -- in that they are not happening.) Last night, once we hit hour number two, Jeff gave him the soother (my mom is going to be so pissed off - and I can react to that and defend that decision in another blog post). Tonight, he got the soother during his bedtime books (which was our previous, soother-inclusive routine) and this time, when he asked me to stay, I told him "Mommy can't stay. I have to put Carter to bed. I'll see you in the morning. Okay?" And he said, "Okay." And that was it. He laid down and went right to sleep. We did also preemptively give him Tylenol this time, so it could be that the drugs helped, but I don't think for a second that only the drugs were responsible for the easy bedtime.

I 100% don't regret re-introducing the soother. It will go, but it will go when he's ready for it to go. And maybe while he's cutting two teeth and fighting a cold isn't the best time.

6. Tonight was my dad's company Christmas party. We go every year, but this year, I suspected that Jeff wouldn't want to go because tonight would be his first full day and night at home after a week away. I figured he would be exhausted from the travelling, on top of the fact that I didn't anticipate he would be willing to leave his boys for the evening, even though his mom is here and could babysit and get them to bed.

For me, I was reluctant to go because of how badly Gray has been going down to bed and I didn't really want to leave that all on Jeff (and definitely not on his mom) alone. Also, it was so damned cold out and - to be completely honest - the thought of leaving my family at home and heading out into those frigid temps, having to wear acceptable clothing, have a shower, put make-up on, and do my hair, was about the least appealing way to spend my late afternoon and evening. So I didn't go. Best decision ever.

Normally when I have plans, even if I don't want to go, I force myself to because I know that I am almost always grateful that I went. But tonight I felt grateful for the cozy night in with the family.

And with that, a book and a bed await me. And maybe a bowl of Captain Crunch. (This is a win; what I really wanted to eat all evening was a bowl of popcorn with a lot of butter on it. #S
elf-controlGameOnPoint)

G'Night, All.

DAY 83 - Thursday, December 15, 2016: Mama's Birthday, Best Hugs, Best Therapist

This is going to be focusing only on the good stuff, though that hasn't been my forte this past week.

1. Today is my beautiful Mom's birthday. I love her so much.

In the last year, I have seen a different side of her and have come to understand her in a whole new light. I have only recently realized how strong and selfless she is. I have so much love and respect for this woman and I sure hope that she knows. I always feel like birthdays are your opportunity to celebrate that person in your life -- to celebrate and reflect on and be a little extra thankful for what they bring to your soul. She is the number one cheerleader for her kids and her grandkids and, as I have said to her so many times before, she loves her family exactly right. #MamasGirlAfterAll

2. I got to see Patricia Hanley today. It was only for ten minutes, but ten minutes with this woman -- her love, her spirit, her support, her encouragement -- is rejuvenating in a way that you cannot possibly understand unless you are lucky enough to be loved by her. She was meant to be in my life and I love her so much, it makes me cry. That sounds like something I would just say but it's 100% true. #LoveYouMore

3. My therapist. She is totally amazing. I suppose it's her job to make me feel like I'm winning, but she does it without making it feel like it's her job. It feels genuine. She laughs at me a lot (when I'm making jokes, not laughing at me) and tells me I'm funny. Today, she told me to frame my anxiety in that humorous way that I do with with so many other things in my life. She just makes me feel more confident in my ability to handle things and she makes me feel like a nice and good person. And who doesn't want to be a nice and good (and funny) person? If these people who don't want to be nice and good exist, I don't want to know them.

My plan tonight was to go to bed early, but my baby boy had other plans. His coughing is disrupting his sleep to the point where he got frustrated and started to cry. I went in with water and cuddles and expect that won't be the last trip I am making to his room tonight. But, you know what? Before I know it, when he's sick, he won't be able to (never mind want to) lay on my body for comfort and tell me, "Mommy stay." So, for now, I stay (for a bit) and play at Motherhood and, while I wish he wasn't sick, I love holding this little boy.

I wish everyone a wonderfully happy Friday.

DAY 82: Wednesday, December 14, 2016 - Anxiety Abound & No Safe Place

People, today was rough. My anxiety is spiralling out of control. I felt cranky and impatient in general, and was more negative about everything than I have been in a while. I just really, really wanted to be alone, but that wasn't a possibility. But let's get to the good stuff.

....

What was the good stuff? Hmmmm. I actually don't know what my three good things are. I always know what they are before I sit down to write. I tend to tally things as the day goes on, thinking to myself, Oooooo that will be a good thing. Today, I don't have that mental list compiled. So, this is off the fly.

1. None of us left the house today and it was great. It was brutally cold outside and one of the best things about winter and those cold days is getting to stay home. Looking out the window and what you anticipate to be bone-chilling cold, and listening to that gentle hum of the furnace is wonderful. I don't use that word a lot, but it's perfectly suited here.

I have been thinking lately about the many homeless people who don't have what I have. I feel sad for them and it makes me extra grateful for what I do have.

2. The boys and Nancy and I had a quick video chat with Jeff today. He looked handsome. I miss the ever loving hell out of him. In fewer than 48 hours, he will be in my presence again. I'm so ready for that. During the call, Gray said "I love you, Dad"  (not that clearly, of course) to Jeff and also sang him a few lines from Frosty the Snowman (which he is starting to mix up with Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer). It made my heart swell up.

3. Grayson did some really good toy-playing today. I love watching him play with his toys. Watching kids learn to play is so interesting. I just sit there, looking at him, smiling like a mental patient sometimes. Thank god no one sees that. But now ya'll know. Don't tell anyone, k? Sanks.

4. When I was getting Carter's PJs on tonight, I kissed him on the cheek (I kiss him probably 10 times a day still - at almost five - like a crazy mom), but he leaned back in, kissed my cheek, pulled me in for a good hug and told me he loved me. *sigh* Okay, the shitty parts of this day were worth it.

Okay, it's super late. I was going to go on and on about my anxiety, but I need to get some shut eye. Tomorrow is a work day and my boss gets pissed when I nap under my desk. What the hell, right? Right.

DAY 81 - Tuesday, December 13, 2016

My day was really up and down. Hearing about a stomach bug when we were around that person the day before always sends my anxiety through the roof, and that was how my morning at work started. So I was a little up and down about that all day.

The very beginning of my day started off well though; I registered both the kids in the swimming classes I wanted for the new year and the two classes each will take them right into June. If you don't call first thing in the morning when registration opens at 7:00 a.m., you won't get in where you want because the good facilities fill up really fast. It's annoying and stressful, but it doesn't effing matter becuase they are registered. Booyah! (1)

2. Productivity at work. Always a good thing.

3. When I got home from work, being with the kids actually made my anxiety die down. That's the opposite of how it used to be, which is a good sign. Being with them makes me feel warm and fuzzy and happy. Who doesn't like feeling that way?!

4. My Grayson isn't feeling well. He's got a cold (so does big brother) and he's teething. His nose is running and his cheeks are red, but he's was the happiest little guy tonight. He played so well and fought bedtime again (this is his new thing). He also continues to sing Christmas carols.

5. Jeff told me today that he gets in from Boston on Friday afternoon. I thought it was super late on Friday night. Best news.

DAY 80 - Monday, December 12, 2016 - 2 Hours Alone & Amma Cuddles

All I had on the agenda for today was a trip to Walmart. I ended up heading into my doctor's office, though, so I left the monkeys at home with Amma and braved that ri-freaking-diculous wind on my own. I was considering taking Carter with me, but ended up being grateful that I didn't, and not just because of how cold it was.

I ended up getting quite a few things done that would have taken a lot longer with a "helper". Plus, I basically got the rest of the stocking stuffers I needed, including some things for Jeff and Amma's stocking. Also, even if I'm running errands, I forget how nice time alone is. I was out of the house for about two and a half hours and didn't have to worry about anyone but myself. Blissful was what it was. (#1)

Tonight was a rough bedtime night for my Grayson. We have essentially taken his soother away. This happened kind of by accident and is a story that most won't find interesting enough for me to take the time to type out, so I'll save myself from doing so. The point is that he's teething (I can see one tooth that's very, very close to pushing through, and a second that's right behind) and has a bit of a cold. He is also at that age where he realizes that he would rather not go to bed because playing is much more fun. None of this is the "good thing", but two "good things" flow from this:

2. Once I put Gray into bed, he immediately flipped his noodle, which he never does. He never cries or fusses or anything. Sometimes he chats with himself for a while. He does some good wall kicking. But he never gets upset. I had to go in and read Carter his last book, so I told my mother-in-law to go in and pick Gray up and comfort him if he got more upset or was still at it in a few minutes. I heard her go in there and I could hear her humming to him. She did calm him down a bit, but I heard him wind back up again and decided that Advil was the answer. 

When I went in there to give it to him, he was cuddled right into her. It was so sweet. (I think everything is so sweet, I know, but... well... I do!) I gave him his meds and she stood up from his rocking chair and came over to give him a kiss and say goodnight. He kept saying, "bye, Amma. Amma, bye," over and over. So cute. (I wanted to say "sweet" there so freakin' bad.) 

3. I read him another book, cuddled him, and found that he flipped out any time he could tell I was going to leave the room. He ended up falling asleep in my arms. Sitting in his rocking chair with him that way took me back to two years ago when he was a wee babe. It made me both miss that time, and also grateful that those always hard nights are over. I didn't hate holding him that way though. And I didn't hate the way he said, "Mommy stay," when he woke up when I tried to put him into his bed. 

I don't know if it's teething, the lack of soother (which I did try to give him back and he refused (!), or if he's just not feeling well, but knowing that just having me there gives him comfort is the most wonderful feeling. I feel like it tells me that, as a mom, I'm doing a lot of things right, in spite of the many things I'm constantly telling myself I'm doing wrong.

And with that, this mama needs to get her ass to bed. I have littles to register in swimming tomorrow and registrations opens at 7. #DomesticBlissIsExhausting

DAY 79 - Sunday, December 11, 2016 - Christmas Carols & Parties

This is late. Again, I forgot to write the danged thing until I crawled into bed. The days are full and just get away from me. Sometimes by the time I sit down, the last thing I want to do is feel as though I'm checking another thing off of my to-do list. Though I love writing the blogs, sometimes I just need to bow out of be thoughtful.

Anyway, yesterday was a pretty great day.

1. Grayson has started singing Christmas carols and kind of dancing too. I keep trying to catch him on video with my phone, but he hates being photographed or recorded, so I haven't been able to yet. Hopefully soon I'll catch him, though I doubt the camera will catch how cute it actually is. Somehow, I feel that my camera (most cameras) never capture how cute my boys are. That's probably partly because I'm looking at them through the lens of motherly love and partly because a portion of what makes them so cute and sweet is who they are, how they say things, what they do, etc., not just how they look.

2. We went to the kids' Christmas party at my work. It was actually perfect. I was not planning on bringing Grayson, but he woke up a little earlier from his nap than I expected him to, so we all loaded up in the car and ventured off. I'm so glad I bought him. He very much enjoyed himself there and it was well set-up for the kids. The room we had was big, and there weren't too many people so it didn't feel chaotic, like everything else I feel like we've taken them too this year for Christmas. We spent some time at each station and they loved it. Since it was an at-home day for Gray and I (Carter and Amma had taken a quick trip to walmart), the little party was a nice change of scenery and a short break away from home.

3. At the end of the night, once the baths had been given, bedtime books read, and end-of-day cuddles doled out, I sat on the couch under a blanket with my mother-in-law and folded laundry while we watched The Bachelorette. It was absolutely wonderful. It felt like the perfect way to unwind.

And that, my friends, is the way to do a Sunday.

DAY 78 - Saturday, December 10, 2016 - Livin' in a Deep Freeze

Holy hell it's cold out. In a perfect world, I wouldn't leave the house until this cold snap ends. I'm that much of a homebody. In spite of the cold weather, the day was as close to perfect as it could have been.

1. This morning, Carter woke up and came into my room. He climbed into bed and cuddled with me. Nothin' better than cuddles from my boy.

2. We had an at-home day. Things have felt very plan-heavy lately, so having days that aren't plan-heavy bring a sense of lightness and relief. The only "plan" we had was to possibly head to the Government House's Old Fashioned Christmas. Given the weather, I was pretty on the fence about going at all...

3. ... but we did go. It was wonderful. Both boys were so good and so well behaved. Half the time, you go to these things and, ten minutes in, think, "this was a terrible mistake." Tonight, in spite of wondering if we should just stay home in the warm house, we went out and I thought more than once, "I'm so glad we decided to do this; it was so fun." Carter told me that we should come back next year.

4. For the first day in about two weeks, Grayson wasn't miserable. Yes, to this kid. So much yes. Here's hoping he's the same happy boy tomorrow.

DAY 77 - Friday, December 9, 2016 - Anticipation is Where it's At

1. Can I just first say, Hallelujah for Friday. You're with me on this, right? I'm sure you are. Whoever you are. If a you exists. I could just be talking to myself. Ha! What else is new?! Oh no. This post is morphing into stream-of-consciousness. Did I want that? Yes, eventually, but not for this one. Okay, Amber, back on track!

Jeff left today for Boston today. He and my brother went together. He's there on business from Monday to Friday, but at some point, my brother was going to tag along and they were going to hang out for a few extra days to do touristy stuff, drink beer, and sleep in. That kind of thing. It's got something to do with being an adult without the responsibility of kids. I don't fully understand the concept...

Sometime soon, I will leave the kids with my parents and go with Jeff as well (with or without the brother). I would love to tourist alone. I would be intimidated in a big city, but that sure as hell wouldn't stop me from doing it. I'm a big girl. I can figure shit out. Except math. Nobody understands math.

Anyway. This trip, they went a few days before Jeff's officially there on business. He didn't want to go, but I pushed him to. You know... so I could have all of my affairs. HA! Like I'd have time to have an affair. Seriously though, he didn't want to go because that puts him away from the boys and home for a full seven days. He felt that was too long. And, I agree: it is a long time and he'll miss them terribly. But, Christmas is coming and he will have lots of quality time with us then. So, "go," I said. "Decompress, drink beer, don't worry about work, or home, or me, or the house." It took some convincing, but he went. And I'm happy for him. He never does stuff like this, so I need to push him.

I already miss him like mad. But, like I've said before, missing someone is a good feeling when you can count the days until they are back. And I think that anticipation is a wonderful thing. You can kind of bask in it. So I'm basking and that's good thing #2.

3. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to three days off with my boys. It's so frigidly cold that other than one trip to a grocery store and a quick trip to my office for the kids' Christmas party, there's a big part of me that wants to bunker down and hibernate. This hibernation is sure to be complete with excessive amounts of coffee, a nap here at there, Christmas music, crafts, baking, books, and movies. Now how freaking pleasant does that sound?!

4. I have the worst skin right now. I have this terrible zit on my chin. It's seriously like the size of a freaking country. Literally. (Don't you hate it when people say "literally" when it's not at all "literally". Me too.) Anyway, Gray pointed at it in the bathroom tonight and said "owie." He looked very concerned and tried to comfort me when I pretended it hurt. So did Carter. These boys are so sweet. I love them with my whole self.

And with that, I should get some shut eye so that I am awake enough to play dinosaurs with them tomorrow. Priorities :-)

DAY 76 - Thursday, December 8, 2016 - 3 Good Things, Embedded & A Little Sadness

So, Jeff leaves for an entire week tomorrow. This makes me sad. He's my person and I feel better when he's around. The good news is that (1) my mother-in-law will be here. Her and I enjoy a lot of the same things, so she's really good company and I'm looking forward to having her here, especially when I would otherwise be on my own with the kids for the whole time Jeff is gone.

(2) My Mr. Grayson made a pee on the potty tonight. He got a smartie as a reward. He loves chocolate and he'll tell you so. I'm hoping that if he understands the concept of potty successes = rewards, he will be easy to train. He's a smart little guy, so I kind of think he does/will. We're going to attempt to potty train while I'm off for the week in between Christmas and New Years. Fingers crossed! It's crazy to me to think that a year from now, we likely won't have any diapers in our house anymore.

(3) The $80-ish dollars I ordered on Carter's last Scholastic came and the books are so cute. They will all be Christmas presents. New books for the kids make me happy.

Today was the boys' last day with their current sitter. I didn't cry, but I still feel really sad about it. It's weird to me to know that they're not going back there. I don't like it. There's comfort in that routine, I guess. We had given her a sound machine for when Grayson naps and I had forgotten all about it. When we picked the kids up, she handed us a bag with some of their things in it and the sound machine was in the bag. It's sitting on my dresser right now and just looking at it makes my chest hurt.

I'm really struggling with the move. From there, I just have no idea how to end that sentence or this post. Would a simple "the end" suffice?

Let's try it:

THE END

Naw, that looks to cryptic.

The End.

Better. Less dark, but still a little more final looking than I mean for it to be.

But seriously though. I'm a sad panda.

DAY 75 - Wednesday, December 7, 2016

I'm sitting in bed and I must say, my clean sheets smell extra delicious. This bed is begging me to lay down in it and who am I to deny it?!

1. Tacos for supper. Oh, yes.

2. I picked up my new glasses from Costco today. I love 'em! And the new prescription does make my vision sharper. I expected to notice no difference at all, but they are better for sure. I'm glad my glasses broke two weeks ago now :)

3. We got our Santa picture done today. Gray hates getting his picture taken AND there's no way he'd sit with Santa, so Jeff and I both sat in too and made it a family Santa picture. It actually worked out pretty perfectly and I love the photo.

And now the day is at an end. I'm happy about this and not. I am dreading Jeff leaving on Friday. I miss him when he's gone and a whole week is just too long :(  Send hugs, love, chocolate, and Starbucks. XO

DAY 74 - Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Lately, I feel like there's so much going on. I said to my cousin today that I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I rush from one thing/place to another and when I get to that location - work, home, somewhere with the kids - I feel like it's a pit stop marked by chaos. I always feel like I have more things to do than time to do those things in. I suppose that's just the season of life that I'm in.

Working part-time when it's busy means tightly packed days at work. Parenthood is always busy. And Christmas is a busy season. Also, with Jeff travelling a lot this month, the home times are more hectic.

I don't mean to complain. I also don't mean to suggest that I'm the only parent who works and feels this way. Everyone is busy and I get that. I only bring it up because it's just something I'm working through at the moment and that was my intent when starting this blog. I never wanted or want to become "a blogger"; I am a naturally open and communicative person. I do my best thinking and problem-solving when I'm thinking out loud, so this post - like every other - is really just me thinking out loud. Sometimes I get feedback from the people in my life on my posts, and those help, but without any feedback, audience, or reaction whatsoever, I would (and will) continue to write them.

DIGRESSION. Shocker... I never do that.

Anyway, I also feel like I'm in a weird place emotionally lately, for a whole host of reasons.

Grayson is working on two teeth and these little suckers are visable but not yet through the gum. They are making him miserable. The kid is just a right grouch with me, so the constant whining and crying can make for some long days.

Because I'm feeling like there is little time to decompress from these long, full days - be they at work or at home -, I'm really longing for some alone down time. But, because there is a lot going on in life at the moment, I move from parenthood, to work, and then from one conversation to another. And I'm tired. I'm a little tired of talking and of actively listening. Again, I hope this doesn't come off as ungrateful to those who are wonderful and selfless and love me enough to want to know what's going on in my life. I am immensely grateful for the support and advice of those people. I guess I just wish I didn't have so much to talk about.

I'm also gaining weight on these stupid anxiety pills and it's starting to freak me out. I have gained about eight pounds since starting them. Is that a lot? No, but the only time in my life that my weight has ever fluctuated is when I was pregnant and, man-oh-man, could I gain weight when I was pregnant (to be fair, half of that weight was in my belly and the other half was in my boobs #nojoke). So I'm struggling with the fear of gaining "too much". I'm scared of losing my body (not that it was that great prior to the eight pounds, but I'll take that one over the one I've got right in this moment).

I have been tossing around the idea of writing a blog post about just this topic and posting a picture of me in my bathing suit, so ya'll call see what I mean, but even on that I feel very conflicted: I don't want to be someone who posts a bathing suit selfie, but then I think, "but I'm not doing it to show off... I'm doing it to reflect reality...". And then I wonder if, regardless of the purpose, it's appropriate. And then I think, "appropriate according to who?"

You see? You see how messy this is? So messy.

We're changing babysitters, too, shortly. And I'm having a hard time with that. I just don't know if it's the right move.

So I just feel like there is a lot of change going on in my life at the moment and I'm feeling a bit unsure how to process it. I feel like so much of my time is dedicated to everyone else - which is normal for most, but the balance lately is worse than normal and with the busy state I find my mind in lately, I'm feeling a little burnt out.

Okay, let's talk about good things now that I may have thoroughly depressed all you people still reading...

1. As I type this, my husband is on a plane home from Toronto. I will go to bed alone, but I won't wake up alone.

2. I got to see my cousin, Nicole, today. It's been a while, so just having her hang out with the boys and I was wonderful.

3. Nicole and my parents and I went to Carter's Preschool Christmas Concert tonight (Jeff missed it being out of town). It was pretty danged cute. I bet you didn't think I was going to say that, did ya?! He's such a big boy already. As I watched him, I almost cried. That's my boy up there. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm a mom, nevermind a mom to a little boy who will be in Kindergarten next year and who is big enough to participate in a Christmas concert.

4. After I got the boys to bed (late), I tidied up, but I didn't really clean up like I had planned. I sat my ass on the couch and enjoyed doing nothing. It felt like the exhale I needed. Instead of following that up by going to bed at a reasonable hour, however, I choose to clean up before bed and now it's 1:30 a.m. Maybe I would find my life less chaotic if I engaged in some good habits, yeah? Yeah.

So, bring on tomorrow... I guess :)

DAY 72 & 73 - Sunday, December 4 & Monday, December 5, 2016

Okay, so I'm starting to suck at these three good things lists. Lately, I forget and then remember when I'm already in bed. Even tonight, it's 11:30 and I should really be in bed, but I know leaving yesterday's and today's to tomorrow is just asking for trouble. Having said that, I should really get to it.

Sunday, December 4

1. Jeff and I had the young girl across the street babysit the boys while we ran a bunch of errands in the morning. We still had a few things left that didn't get done, but it made me realize how much longer it would have taken if we had brought the kids. Feeling productive is kick-ass.

2. I was a bit worried about how Gray would be with the sitter. He really doesn't know her. I knew Carter would be great (he's Mr. Social), but I don't find Gray that warm with people he doesn't know well. But he was great. She even put him down for a nap and not only did he go down no problem, he actually fell asleep.

Knowing that we have someone right across the street is fan-freaking-tastic. Date nights are in our future. Oh yes. Yes, they are.

3. Right before bed, Grayson wanted to play Carter's Guess Who game. He obviously can't play, so he was on Jeff's "team". Jeff just showed Grayson which windows to close. Carter and I were on a team. We were snuggled up on the couch playing and as I looked over at Gray and Jeff, Grayson looked so sweet. I wish I had my phone handy. He was on Jeff's lap, in his pj's and his little feet looked so cute, I could have just eaten them up.

I felt really blessed as we sat there in our warm house, Christmas tree lit up, with this little family. *sigh*

Monday, December 5

1. I got our passports today. I didn't get Grayson's, so I have to go back. I needed the Long Form Birth Certificate for him, which I thought I had. Yeah, I didn't. Anyway, the passports has been one of those major things on the list and feeling like they've (mostly) been dealt with is a relief.

2. After passports, my mom tagged along with the boys and I, which allowed me to get another bunch of to-do's crossed off of my list. We're getting there, people! One of those to-do's was to order myself new glasses, which I did. I'm super excited to get new ones :) Ahhhh the excitements of an adult. #SoLame

3. The boys and I went with my dad to the CP Rail Christmas train and they absolutely loved it. We only sat in the truck and watched, since it was so bloody cold out, but it was still fun. Afterwards, we went to Second Cup and got hot chocolates. It was a nice evening with some of my favourite boys :)

4.  The boys were good boys for me this evening. We did baths and books and cuddles before bed. I started reading Carter Charlotte's Web. We gave up on Stuart Little. Even I find it boring so far. But he seems to really love Charlotte's Web. This makes me excited. I love that he's old enough now to read short novels. I never did read the Harry Potter series; I'm not really sure that they are my thing, but I'm still looking forward to reading them to Carter. I feel like doing that will force me to read them and I'm hoping that how much I enjoy them takes me by surprise. We shall see.

Okay, nearly midnight, so nighty-roo, all. (At this hour, editing is for the birds!)

DAY 70 - Friday, December 2, 2016

Friday - I didn't have a great day. Jeff and I had an argument on Thursday night (we rarely argue, but *gasp* we aren't perfect, so it's bound to happen). As a result, I didn't get much sleep. Then I woke up with a bladder infection. I got a lot done at work, but I have so much more to do that it didn't feel like much of a success (framing, Amber).

Truthfully, for most of the day, I just felt crummy -- physically and emotionally and all I really wanted to do was be by myself. I wanted to go home, have a really long, really hot bubble bath with tea, candles, and a book. Then I wanted to get out of the bath, and put on some lame rom-com on Netflix while working on a puzzle in comfy pj's. But, it was the night of Jeff's Christmas party. He knew I wasn't feeling well and said that if I wanted to stay home, I could. I considered it, but went anyway. As usual, when I'm in a gross place, being around people turned my mood around.

So, let's focus on the good parts, yeah? Yeah.

1. At the party, the three guys who serve as the "bosses" were recognized by the employees. Watching Jeff walk up there made me really proud. And he looked really sexy. Like, really, really sexy. *ahem... moving on*

2. The food was amazing. I should have taken a picture of my plate and posted it because there's no way anyone thought I would eat that much. I was weirdly proud. I kept asking people at my table, "did you see that?!" A little sad, yes, but I freaking hope they saw it.

3. Laughing my ass off at the "Name that tune" game that the DJ's had all of us play. The people that Jeff works with are all crazy and hilarious and have no problem making total asses of themselves. Incidentally, this works out well for me.

DAY 71 - Saturday, December 3, 2016

It's Saturday. It's the last weekend that Jeff will be home before the work travel starts.

What is there to say about that, really? I remind myself that we are financially able for me to work part-time before he makes enough money to make that possible. It comes at a cost. But he's brilliant at his job and I'm proud of him. 

So today.

1. We got to sleep in this morning since the boys slept at my parents' last night. I woke up at about 9:30 and didn't get out of bed until 10:20. It was glorious. Absolutely glorious.

2. We went to my parents' for brunch. Being with my family is my soul's happy place. For real. If we could all live in one giant house together, I would totally do that. I'm aware that I'm the only one who feels this way. What a bunch of butt-holes. But, I can't help but love those butt-holes.

3. The cleaners came today. Yay for a clean house!

4. I'm such a homebody lately. Once we got home from my parents', I didn't leave the house. Such a good idea.

5. Reading books to my little misters. All of us snuggled up on the couch under the same blanket. *sigh* This is exactly what I signed up for. I could read them books all day.

Okay, enough mush for one day. #Don'tBeTheGrinch #I'mALoverYo

DAY 69 - Thursday, December 1, 2016

1. It's December. I love Christmas, so this makes me happy. It also helps me to feel less like a crazy-ass for listening to and humming Christmas music all day erry'day.

2. My mom takes Carter for a lunch date, with just the two of them, on Thursdays. She usually gives me a little report of how it went. She told me today that during lunch he said to her, "Mother [that's what he calls her], thank you for taking me for lunch." He just said it just out of the blue like that. He is such a nice little boy. He's sweet, with a kind little heart and I just love him so much.

3. Gray is turning into a mama's boy. We have two boys, and -- though Grayson is definitely more even about his love for mom and dad than is his big brother who is blatant about his preference for Mom -- lately, I feel like Grayson is gravitating towards me a lot. This hurts my feeling for Jeff, but my heart warms at the thought that I provide him comfort and, in some way, I give him whatever it is that he needs.

That sort of brings me to something that I've been meaning to talk about for a while. It's related to my anxiety and my feeling about myself as a mother. I've been able to enjoy my time with the boys in a way that I've struggled to since my anxiety really spun out of control back in February. I want to do a more in-depth post about this, but for now, in short: enjoying my days off with them, instead of living in fear about illness, has felt like breathing again after being forced to hold your breath. It's a relief I can't quite articulate. I'm not really sure I'll be able to express the restriction and then the release in the post, when I do write it.

I'm just overwhelmed with love for my boys: for my husband, who has made this family with me -- who makes our house our home with me; for our little boys, who are getting so big, who are so affectionate, beautiful, and perfect - even when they aren't so perfect.

DAY 68- Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The truth is, I was too tired and had zero desire to post a three good things by the time I had the chance to do so last night, so I skipped it. Bad, Amber. But, I'm here today to tell you why yesterday was so good!

1. We met with our new babysitter last night. We have been with the same sitter since I went back to work. It has been an emotional choice to leave, but for a number of reasons, we feel that it's for the best for our family. We love Judy very much and are thankful that our boys had her wonderful care for four (for Carter) and one (for Grayson) year(s).

2. Our new sitter, Ashley, has a two year old as well, Ottis. He was super cute and super busy (kind of like my two-year-old). He freaking loved me. He literally threw himself on me as I sat on the floor and gave me some very aggressive hugs. It was funny and sweet. He must know my secret weapon when it comes to hugs: I give a kick-ass back rub. Once he realized this, the hugs only became more frequent. I was okay with it.

3. My arm after the flu shot feels better than it's ever felt. I got the shot on Monday and typically, I can't even sleep on that side for days because my arm hurts so bad. This time my brilliant sister-in-law, who is a nurse, told me to get it on the dominant arm because, as the nurse administering the shot will tell you, the key to not being so sore is using the arm as much as you can. Well, if you get the shot in your dominant arm, you are more likely to use it in the days that follow. Made sense to me and worked like a damned charm. Never again will I get a shot in my left arm.

#TheMoreYouKnow