Lately, I feel like there's so much going on. I said to my cousin today that I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I rush from one thing/place to another and when I get to that location - work, home, somewhere with the kids - I feel like it's a pit stop marked by chaos. I always feel like I have more things to do than time to do those things in. I suppose that's just the season of life that I'm in.
Working part-time when it's busy means tightly packed days at work. Parenthood is always busy. And Christmas is a busy season. Also, with Jeff travelling a lot this month, the home times are more hectic.
I don't mean to complain. I also don't mean to suggest that I'm the only parent who works and feels this way. Everyone is busy and I get that. I only bring it up because it's just something I'm working through at the moment and that was my intent when starting this blog. I never wanted or want to become "a blogger"; I am a naturally open and communicative person. I do my best thinking and problem-solving when I'm thinking out loud, so this post - like every other - is really just me thinking out loud. Sometimes I get feedback from the people in my life on my posts, and those help, but without any feedback, audience, or reaction whatsoever, I would (and will) continue to write them.
DIGRESSION. Shocker... I never do that.
Anyway, I also feel like I'm in a weird place emotionally lately, for a whole host of reasons.
Grayson is working on two teeth and these little suckers are visable but not yet through the gum. They are making him miserable. The kid is just a right grouch with me, so the constant whining and crying can make for some long days.
Because I'm feeling like there is little time to decompress from these long, full days - be they at work or at home -, I'm really longing for some alone down time. But, because there is a lot going on in life at the moment, I move from parenthood, to work, and then from one conversation to another. And I'm tired. I'm a little tired of talking and of actively listening. Again, I hope this doesn't come off as ungrateful to those who are wonderful and selfless and love me enough to want to know what's going on in my life. I am immensely grateful for the support and advice of those people. I guess I just wish I didn't have so much to talk about.
I'm also gaining weight on these stupid anxiety pills and it's starting to freak me out. I have gained about eight pounds since starting them. Is that a lot? No, but the only time in my life that my weight has ever fluctuated is when I was pregnant and, man-oh-man, could I gain weight when I was pregnant (to be fair, half of that weight was in my belly and the other half was in my boobs #nojoke). So I'm struggling with the fear of gaining "too much". I'm scared of losing my body (not that it was that great prior to the eight pounds, but I'll take that one over the one I've got right in this moment).
I have been tossing around the idea of writing a blog post about just this topic and posting a picture of me in my bathing suit, so ya'll call see what I mean, but even on that I feel very conflicted: I don't want to be someone who posts a bathing suit selfie, but then I think, "but I'm not doing it to show off... I'm doing it to reflect reality...". And then I wonder if, regardless of the purpose, it's appropriate. And then I think, "appropriate according to who?"
You see? You see how messy this is? So messy.
We're changing babysitters, too, shortly. And I'm having a hard time with that. I just don't know if it's the right move.
So I just feel like there is a lot of change going on in my life at the moment and I'm feeling a bit unsure how to process it. I feel like so much of my time is dedicated to everyone else - which is normal for most, but the balance lately is worse than normal and with the busy state I find my mind in lately, I'm feeling a little burnt out.
Okay, let's talk about good things now that I may have thoroughly depressed all you people still reading...
1. As I type this, my husband is on a plane home from Toronto. I will go to bed alone, but I won't wake up alone.
2. I got to see my cousin, Nicole, today. It's been a while, so just having her hang out with the boys and I was wonderful.
3. Nicole and my parents and I went to Carter's Preschool Christmas Concert tonight (Jeff missed it being out of town). It was pretty danged cute. I bet you didn't think I was going to say that, did ya?! He's such a big boy already. As I watched him, I almost cried. That's my boy up there. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm a mom, nevermind a mom to a little boy who will be in Kindergarten next year and who is big enough to participate in a Christmas concert.
4. After I got the boys to bed (late), I tidied up, but I didn't really clean up like I had planned. I sat my ass on the couch and enjoyed doing nothing. It felt like the exhale I needed. Instead of following that up by going to bed at a reasonable hour, however, I choose to clean up before bed and now it's 1:30 a.m. Maybe I would find my life less chaotic if I engaged in some good habits, yeah? Yeah.
So, bring on tomorrow... I guess :)
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