Saturday, January 31st - Three Good Things

Happy Saturday, folks! I liked this day.

1. Tonight, Jeff went out to a beer/band event thingy (yes, I said thingy) with a friend, Aaron. Ali, Aaron's wife, drove the boys to the event and home, and after dropping them off initially came back to visit me/hang out at my house. Jeff and Aaron have been friends for 15 years or so and he and Ali started dating right when Jeff and I got married. I actually met her for the first time at my wedding. Her and I hit it off and we make a good foursome. Anyway, I got both boys to bed and her and I chatted for a good 2 1/2 hours. It was nice. We have SO much in common and there is such a comfort in knowing there is someone else who inhabits this earth who has some of the same quirks that you do - the kind of quirks that you don't really want to tell anyone cause you're pretty sure they'll think you're a nut job.

Her and I are so busy that we don't get together much (nor do we get together as couples), and I forget how similar we are and how good our conversations are. Every time I have coffee with her or we have supper/games night with them, it reminds me that we need to do those things far more often. It's a crime not to, really.

In the past three nights, I've had two social evenings with good women. It's like I'm human or something. Weird.

2. I paid Ali for a photography workshop that she is putting on in the spring that I signed up for. She is an incredibly talented photographer. Here is her website so you can see for yourself. She has done a ton of our family photos including my maternity and birth photos with Carter, and both of our boys' newborn shoots (Carter's Grayson's). Anyway, she is putting on a photography workshop for people who want to learn/become even better at utilizing their DSLR cameras. Jeff bought me a DSLR camera and I swore I would read the manual and learn how to use it and not be one of those chumps that leaves it in manual mode. But I don't have a ton of free time and the manual is boring and overwhelming, so I just never have. This workshop should be perfect for me and I'm so exited to come out of it feeling less afraid of my own camera and - hopefully, eventually - able to take some semi-artistic and good quality shots of our boys!

3. I slept in today. Late. Really, really late. 11:30, if you must know. I hate doing that, because then I feel like I have no day, but I clearly needed to catch up on sleep after the long week. Also, with regard to sleep, Grayson did not too bad last night, which was nice. His stretches of sleep were longer. There was even a four hour stretch in there (though he woke up an hour in and I had to put his soother back in and lay my hand on his chest for a few minutes before letting him fall back asleep). But four hours where I didn't have to pick him and up nurse him! This is something! And for the past handful of nights, once we get him down for bedtime, he's been really good about staying asleep until midnight, or close to it without a bunch of wake-ups that necessitate us going in there to pick him up. Tonight, for instance, he started to fuss minutes after I put him to bed. I went in there, put his soother back in and just laid my hand on his chest for minute to ensure he was calmed down and relaxed and left and he fell back asleep on his own. Again, this means we are miles ahead of where we were at with Carter with his sleeping. In spite of myself, I'm becoming hopeful again. Maybe more sleep is actually in my future? Man, I hope so!

Okay, but now it's 12:46 a.m. and I'm tired. And, Grayson will still wake me up multiple times tonight, so I need to get my ass to bed.

Tomorrow is Sunday and then we start the week again, but this time, we're starting off the week in which my parents will return home! Woot! WOOT!

Friday, January 30th - Three Good Things

I am super tired and looking forward to going to bed, so I'm going to keep this short.

I had a good day today because:

1. I took the boys shopping. Carter really is a really good shopper, though he did end our last trip with a meltdown and I basically had to drag him out of the store (hahaha), but for the most part, he was really good today. We went to Chapters and of course we had to head right over to Thomas where he looked and looked for Percy. Percy was found, and so were some Curious George books, and the result was a very happy little boy.

2. I read Carter his new Curious George books before bed. I actually really like the bedtime books ritual. It feels like good him and me time where is isn't running around like a crazy ass.

3. My Grayson was Mr. Smiley today. He so cute, I can hardly take it!

I get to sleep in tomorrow and, holy hell, I can't even tell you how excited I am about that!

Signing off :)

Thursday, January 29th - Five Good Things: Uber tired, but happy

1. I went out for supper with a girlfriend this evening and finished off our date with a walk around Starbucks, where I had a soy mocha and found some good deals on kids toys for the boys. I was so tired and grouchy and depressed today with my sleepless child, that I actually texted her to cancel and then texted back an hour later and said that I changed my mind and god dammit, I'm going to be social and enjoy myself. I'm so glad I went, rather than staying home to wallow in self pity. I'm tired as hell, but much happier than I was this afternoon!

2. ONE WEEK FROM TODAY, people, my parents will be here! I can't freaking wait!! The boys and I will be invading their space all day next Friday (their first full day at home) to hang out with them.

3. I did it. I put on makeup, and showered, and did my hairs and wore a pretty bra today. That counts for a win for sure.

4. Grayson had two naps today in his bassinet and fell asleep in there after I put him in totally awake. I did have to go in for both naps to put his soother back in more than once before he fell asleep, but still, he fell asleep. The naps were only for 20 and 40 minutes, respectively, but again, the fact that he fell asleep without being rocked, bounced, patted, nursed, etc. is a really good thing. It puts us miles ahead of where we were with Carter when we had sleep troubles with him. I could even handle the barely there naps and no free time during the day if I was getting 6-7 hours of sleep at night. It's that I fight with him on sleep both day and night that makes this really, really hard.

5. I took Grayson with me when I went for supper tonight and that left Jeff and Carter to spend the evening together. They texted me pictures of the flowers they bought me when they went to get groceries. Carter picked them out because they were "lellow." Lucky mama, I am!

Okay. Bedtime. Tomorrow is Friday. I see sleep in my future... if only I can get there!

Wednesday, January 28th - Three Good Things

This was my original post. I cried after posting it because I felt bad that I was being so negative and not being thankful enough for the truly good things. So I'll leave the original post in tact but add to it a little.

*Original*

Today has not been a good day. I'll just leave it at that.

1. Today was my first day gluten free. I don't think it'll work, but I'm out of ideas aside from freaking not eating, which has crossed my mind. One day down, god knows how many to go.

2. I have a house. That's a good thing.

3. My parents are back one week from tomorrow. I can't wait.

** End post

Okay, so there it was. Short and angry. I really didn't have a great day. That said, nothing made the day particularly bad. Sleep last night was rough. I feel like we're heading in the exact same direction that we were with Carter, where every 20-40 minutes, we have a baby who is awake and will only go back to sleep if I nurse him. I'm terrified of this. That period of Carter's babyhood was so difficult for me/us, and I already feel like I'm swimming upstream, so the thought that this will get worse and/or carry on for another three months is utterly devastating to me. I feel a little like I'm living in fear.

I stayed up late last night watching The Bachelor. That was my first mistake. Going to bed early is going to be key if I'm going to emotionally and physically survive this next couple of months. If I want to stay up late, it should only be on Thursdays, because Friday is always easier to manage when one's tired because you've got that knowledge that the weekend is just around the corner.

Because I was more tired in the night because I hadn't had at least two hours of sleep before all the wake-ups started, I found the night more frustrating than I did the night before when I was sleeping better. Grayson's naps were also especially bad today, which left my tired ass even more grouchy. It's cyclical - I spent too much time on social media and cleaned the kitchen instead of engaging with my kids. Carter almost literally watched the same Curious George movie all morning (cause I'm a good mom like that), while I cleaned the kitchen and tried (and mostly failed) to get Grayson to stay asleep. In the afternoon, we didn't have the tv on at all, which made me feel a little better at least.

I wanted to, but didn't get a chance to shower when Carter was napping (because Grayson just wasn't having it), and between feeling like I look like I've been hit by a truck and the fact that I'm pretty sure the roads were more icy than I would like, we skipped Carter's gymnastics class, which made me feel super guilty, considering the fact that he spent half the day watching tv. Yup, mom of the year award right here.

Tonight, I tried to go over Carter's words with him - the assignment that the speech therapist gave us to help him better enunciate syllables. His attention span is crap, so we only made it through one sheet. What were his rewards? Jelly beans. He had jelly beans and juice. Again this surely qualifies me for Mom of the freaking year.

So I just had a shitty day. But there are things that I'm supremely thankful for.

1. Grayson turned three months old today. I can't believe he's three months already. While I find him a "difficult" baby because of the sleep problems and the problems we're having with his gassiness/fussiness and trying to link that to whatever I'm eating (which has made nursing an incredibly stressful time), he's a healthy little boy and he's ours. And I do know that it really won't be this hard forever. And his smile is the best thing ever.

2. Like I said above, today is my first full day going gluten free. In the past couple weeks, Grayson has started spitting up a lot more, so clearly something in my diet is bothering him and I'm hoping and freaking PRAYING that it's stomach upset/gas that wakes Grayson at night. So, if I can figure out what food he's sensitive to, maybe, just maybe, we can also solve some of the sleep issues. Since I'm not ingesting dairy (other than cream in my coffee on Saturday and/or, the milk that is in a piece of chocolate or as an ingredient in store-bought cookies), it can't be related to that and the only other thing I eat daily would be things containing gluten. It's hard though - I already want a piece of the apple pie that's in my fridge. And I want it with real whipped cream. And I can't have either :(  I'm clearly terrible at diets. But again, this won't last. I need to repeat that over and over.

3. I really am so excited to see my parents. I just feel calmer, better, like I have more support when they're here and near. That tells you what awesome parents they are :)

I feel like every other day is an extreme low. I feel disappointed in myself as a parent, as a wife, as a person. But, it's every other day that I seem to feel this way, so maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm going to make tomorrow better. How? I'm going to shower, do my hair, wear make-up and a pretty bra. I'm going to feel like I look nice. I'm going to leave the house for the first time in two days; the first time in three days that doesn't just involve getting groceries. I'm going to go shopping with the boys. I'm going to go to the immunization clinic and weigh Grayson. We're going to do pictures with Grayson tomorrow for his three months, which we would have done today, but I wasn't up to it. (I did take pictures of him with his little three month sticker at least.) I'm going to try really, really hard to be more positive.

But even now, Grayson won't settle to sleep. I put him to bed just after 7 and he woke up about 45 minutes later. Jeff is in the room trying to get him back to sleep. He's been in there for a good 20 minutes. I've spent that time trying, and failing, to get Carter to listen to any single instruction I give. 

I want this day to be over now, but I'm scared of what tonight will bring.

Again, wish me luck. And pray, if that's a thing that you do. Or send restful thoughts to Grayson if you don't pray. 

Tuesday, January 27th - 3 Good Things

Today was a really good day. I just felt better. Grayson's sleep was better, and typical all at once. He fell went to sleep around 9, woke up just after 11, but went right back to sleep when I put his soother back in and didn't wake up until 1! That's a decent stretch for my boy. After that, it was a bit of a gong show, but the longer that first stretch, the better for me, so I'll take it.

Other reasons today was good:

1. I spent more time playing with Carter and staying off of social media. Spending time playing with him and being fully engaged in my moments with him just left me feeling more fulfilled. It felt so good and I definitely feel like it was part of the reason for my extra good mood today. I love this kid so much it's painful and he's at an age where he really shows his affection to me. He loves me and that's a pretty amazing thing.

2. When I got up this morning, I discovered that Jeff had thrown everything in the crock pot for supper before he left for work, so I didn't have to do it. It never takes long for me to do it, but with two kidlets, one less thing for me to do is huge! He's a pretty fantastic husband.

3. Just feeling so much better emotionally today than I did on Monday. Monday just felt like a low point and today was just what I needed. 

Okay, I stayed up tonight to watch The Bachelor. It was some good me time. It may or may not have involved chips and cookies. So bad, but so good.

Monday, January 26th - 3 Good Things: time to prioritize

So because I've essentially been using this forum as an online diary, I talk a lot about Grayson's sleep, or lack there of. I like having the record of whether the night before was good, average, or terrible, but I need to stop focusing on it so much. It's really, really hard not to focus on the sleep that I'm not getting because I'm so tired and I'm so frustrated at how long I've been tired, but talking about it doesn't make it different. So, for the sake of continuing to record for myself this part of motherhood, I'll make mention of the sleep somewhere, but I don't want to spotlight it so much.

For the sake of that sleep record, last night was one of his worst yet. We had chinese food for supper -- did that do me in? I'm not sure, but he's spitting up more lately, after every single nursing session, and he was clearly uncomfortable in the night. There are moments where I think, eff it - I'll switch to formula, but I would be devastated if I had to do that, especially since he will be my last nursling.

I've been thinking today a lot about my time and how little of it there seems to be. I think I need to step back and make a list of what my priorities are. I'm also going to do this with a pen and paper, because that feels more organic somehow. But I need to remind myself about where my time and energy needs to go and I think it's looking like this:

1. Me time/my health. I need to try to get more sleep (ha - I just said I wasn't going to talk about this. Hang tight, this talk is different.). Most nights, I go to bed late - after 10:30 - and putz around on my phone or tablet, either reading or on social media. I get too caught up in what I'm looking at and half the time don't fall asleep right away. This is a major problem when I know I will be up too often throughout the night. It's fine to go on my phone or tablet and do whatever, if it helps me to unwind after the day, but then I need to get my ass into bed much earlier to account for that time. That way, I'm not taking away from sleep time. I need to do it this way and consider that hour before falling asleep my "me" time.

Once I'm feeling better rested, the other things will come more easily. I will feel like I can be a better mom to Carter and Grayson. I feel like I will have more patience for them when they are trying me (which they are bound to do) and like I will have the energy to play more with Carter and do other things that will contribute to the overall health in my household - like planning and making healthy meals.

2. My kids and my husband. Obviously, the boys in my life are my priority. Again, getting more rest will allow me to feel more positive and present and will help me be a more attentive mom and partner. When I think about the combination of things taking me away from being invested and an active participant in my time with them, social media tops the list next to sleep. I'm on Facebook, Instagram and Youtube too much. I don't mind going on Facebook to check the chat conversation with my vacationing parents,  but I feel like I spend too much time checking in on facebook in general instead of playing with Carter. 

It's the same with Jeff. When we have our very limited alone time after the kids go to bed (presuming one of us isn't dealing with Grayson waking up every 1/2 hour before we actually go to bed), I shouldn't be online at all; I should just be checking into my marriage. It's easy enough to feel like room-mates when you have two kids - one of whom is still a newbie -- without social media stealing more of your time.

I don't like how I've laid this out here - it doesn't quite place things how I feel they should be placed, but it's a start and the pen and paper will help me out in that regard. 

The point of all this is that I need to scale back, even on here, and spend more time sleeping, eating better, playing with my kids, talking to my husband, and making sure that I have meaningful "me" time - and if that's spending time on social media, that's fine, but that's got to be considered the me time and the social media can't creep in on the other categories.

So, the blog posts listing my three good things need to get shorter. They need to, on some days when I just don't have the time, be a simple list. That will put me in bed earlier since I almost always do these right before bed.

So for today:

1. Given that I've been so vocal and open about my sleep struggle these past couple of months, I had two offers for help today. The offers themselves are so meaningful. I just feel grateful for them at all.

2. We bought more gluten-free stuff today. The journey begins tomorrow, folks. Wish me luck. I'm really hoping this is the answer to my babe's sleep issues. 

3. After Eight hot chocolate. I seriously have to stop myself from having like three cups a day.

*Please forgive any spelling errors. I'm not going to edit this. It's 9:36, and I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed - an act I should have done half an hour ago :-/

Goodnight all. Thanks for listening to my grumblings!

Sunday, January 25th - Three Good Things: Swimming lessons, car bathing, and my awesome family

I'm in a significantly better mood than I was in yesterday. I feel less tired and more positive. And I feel less bored with my life, even though nothing has changed. Sometimes, I honestly just think it's getting out of the house to do something -- anything -- that elevates my mood. Yes, when you're stuck in the house all day 'errday, doing the same exact things over and over, it can get a little really, this is my life??

Sleep was typical last night. Mr. G was up every 2 hours or just over or under that mark. So I got about 4 two-hour stretches - maybe just a little less. In total, 6-8 hours of sleep is pretty good, I think. I just wish I was getting more like 2 four-hour stretches.

Here's why today was good:

1. I took Carter for his last swimming lesson today. He was very good during the class, unlike last week. Sometimes after class we will warm up in the hot tub for five minutes or so. It was when I told him it was time to go home and that no, we couldn't stay and play with the water toys and, no, we couldn't stay and hang out in the hot tub that things really fell apart. He flipped out. So that was fun.

He does well in the classes for me, usually, but I think it's also important that he gets to go to the pool just to play and have fun. Doing that still gets him in the water and comfortable in the water and I can still do a lot of the things they have us do with the kids in class (jumping in, going under the water, etc.). But giving him free-time play in the water is important for him too. I didn't register him in the next session, but I did register him in the session after that, so we have a break in classes until April (I think). So what I'll do is take him swimming, just him and me, once during the day once a week. The nice thing about doing that is that he will get free play time and because it's during the week, the pool will be much less busy than it typically will be for public swim on weekends. This means we'll have our pick of the toys, floaties and will just generally have more of the pool to ourselves. And best of all: it will be just Carter-Mum time. So I think I'll start that this week. That will be another thing that will force me to get out of the house.

2. After Carter's nap this afternoon, I loaded both kids up in the car and ran it through the car wash. My god, did it need a wash. I told Carter we needed to give mom's car a bath and he thought the wash was pretty cool. Afterwards, we went to Target to pick up a couple of things. We were only gone for an hour, but Grayson didn't actually flip out the entire time we were gone and I was fully expecting him too, so that was a win. Also, being out of the house with both kids gave Jeff an opportunity to de-ice our driveway. Super fun job for him, but it needed to be done. When we got home, Carter saw that dad was outside and felt that he really needed to help, so he happily "helped" dad with the driveway. He's pretty cute, I must say.

3. We had my family over for supper tonight. I freaking love these people. We got to Facetime with my parents, too, which was nice for my grandparents. They are worriers (that's where I get it from). After supper there was a competitive card game, which of course means a lot of laughing at my grandpa. This is my absolute favourite way to spend an evening. Supper and games with my family. I truly wouldn't pick anything else.

This is my last full week without my parents here. This excites me. I have a couple of plans this week - lunch date with Pat, cards with the kids and Nikin at my grandparents', and swimming with Carter, so hopefully keeping busy and getting out during the week will help keep my mood elevated.

It's far later than I intended it to be when going to bed already, so, with that, I bid you good night.

Saturday, January 24th - Three Good Things: Snow play, brotherly love, and more brotherly love.

Though the weather was warm today (for winter), it was a dreary day. The sun was hiding and it was half-snowing, half-raining. It just felt blah, which in turn kind of makes me feel blah. I did get to sleep in today until 10 with Grayson since Jeff got up with Carter (who slept in until just after 9!), so though my night was absolute crap again, and I feel tired today, I don't feel dead tired.

Today I'm feeling like our life is in a rut. I feel this way every so often. I think it's just a by-product of having young kids (one of whom doesn't really sleep at night). I feel like every day during the week is virtually the same and every weekend is a repeat of the weekend before. We try to clean, watch cartoons and play with Carter, try to get some to-do's around the house done, sometimes we go shopping, etc. I feel antsy -- like I want to plan a trip or something. Just a weekend away would help break up the monotony of life, but I feel like I really can't do that until Grayson is sleeping better.

On this day last year, we were in Cuba celebrating our five-year wedding anniversary (which had taken place in the July prior). I just keep thinking of packing for that trip, sitting on a plane for hours watching saved up episodes of The Bachelor on my laptop, and reading The Silent Wife. I think that's making this sense that my/our life/lives are in a boring rut feel more intense.

But, this is life with an almost three month old who doesn't sleep well. So I need to figure out something in the meantime to cure my boredom that doesn't involve shopping.

But on to happier things.

1. I spent some time outside with Carter today, finally. I took him on the sled to the park by our house. There's a decent sized hill there, so we went tobogganing. The problem was this entire flippin' city is skating rink because it kind of rained today, but it's cold enough that it leaves a thin layer of ice on top of whatever surface it lands on, including snow. So the tobogganing was short lived - and comes with a funny story, but Grayson just woke up, so this blog post has officially been cut short :(

2. How much Carter so clearly adores Grayon is just one of the best things about my life. Truly. I never expected him to love Grayson so much - certainly not as much as he does. It's pretty heart-melting to see.

3. Chatting with my brother, Curtis, over Facebook messenger. We were hoping my parents would join in from New Zealand so we could do a family chat, but no luck, so him and I cracked each other up instead. It was good.

And now I'm going to bed. The night is not looking good at all, considering Grayson has already woken up once. That's a bad sign. A very bad sign mmmmk.

Okay. Night, folks. Sleep well. I will hate you for it, but sleep well.

I am NOT taking the time to read this post for mistakes. I am too tired and it's already cutting into my sleeping time.

Friday, January 23 - Three Good Things: P-Units, warm weather, and speech therapy

Oh, it's Friday. Happy day!

Today was actually an effer of a day, people. Grayson had a shit night last night (by about 4 a.m., I'm usually ready to lose my ever-loving mind) and slept for MAYBE a total of two hours all day. That two hours was really broken too, so when he was awake, he was pretty miserable. I finally got a 40 minute to an hour nap out of his cute butt just before supper by laying down with him and sneaking away when he was good and asleep. After that he was just happy as a clam and I was just happy as a clam to put him to bed early. I keep waiting for the tomorrow that will actually be a better day. I've been waiting for nearly three months. I continue to wait. But, damn he's cute.

1. So, I think in a post a week-ish ago, I said how my parents would be home in two weeks. I realized (much to my dismay) that I was wrong; at that time, they would have been home in three weeks. In talking to them today, I mentioned that they would be on their way home two weeks from today and they informed me that, no, they get back on Thursday, February 5th. One day closer than I thought. I shouldn't be as excited about one day as I am, but I can't help it. I can't wait to see them and I can't wait for them to see Grayson, who grew so much and became a social little chatterbox while they were away. And I can't wait for them to see how much Carter is excelling in gymnastics. They will be so proud and Carter will be very happy to have his cheerleading team back on the benches :)

2. The weather here is so nice, you could wear a spring coat. This is the kind of winter I could get on board with. I'd really still prefer that winter be 2.5 months (max) and summer be four months longer (as would most of you reading this), but we're the fools that keep choosing to live here.

3. We had an another appointment with the speech therapist for Carter this morning and it went well. His vocabulary has flourished since we saw her last. He's talking a lot now and repeating everything. The issue at this point is how he pronounces words. I think this is a really common struggle for toddlers as they learn how to talk (not pronouncing 'r' and that sort of thing), so she gave us some tips on how to work with him to improve how he speaks.

The speech therapy is free of charge and is provided for by our health region. I think we're pretty fortunate to live in a place where a service like this exists and is free of charge to families who have a valid health card provided by the province.

And that's that. The warm weather is supposed to continue, so tomorrow, we are going to take Carter tobogganing. I'm going to put Grayson in his snowsuit and do his "first time in the snow" picture too. I can't believe I haven't done that yet!

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Have a good weekend, everyone and I'll see you all tomorrow!

Thursday, January 22 - 3 Good Things: Missing my Carter Cute-Butt and feeling in love with my baby.

*I started this blog post in the early afternoon and am just publishing it now, at 9:30. I should say that at this point, I miss Carter like mad and can't wait to pick him up tomorrow morning!*

I am in such a good mood today. Grayson still didn't sleep all that well, but it wasn't quite as bad as the night before. I also got to sleep in since Carter spent the night at my parents' with Nikin (his new title for Nicole, which we think is a combination of 'Nicole', 'Nin', and 'Nikki'), so I feel pretty well rested and lively today.

I know as moms, we're not supposed to say that we enjoy our time when our kids are away, but I totally do. I don't have any free time when I have both boys at home and it's just me. I'm not complaining - I obviously chose to have two kids, knowing it would be busy and sometimes stressful, but, like so many other moms, it's just the reality of my life. When Carter stays with Nicole or at my parents, I get more sleep and have more time to myself during the day to cuddle Grayson, guilt-free, to get housework done, guilt-free, and to spend time doing something I enjoy doing, like writing my blog post for the day, or watching a tv show, etc. - all guilt free.

Yesterday, I asked Carter if he wanted to sleep at home or at Nan and Pe's house with Nin and he said Nin. I was a little surprised and asked him twice more throughout the evening, but his answer remained the same and he was pretty darned happy to pack his overnight bag. I love that he's getting to an age where he will verbalize that he wants to do one thing over another. Normally, when we give him the option, he wants to come home or he wants us all to stay over somewhere together. He's growing up so much and it's freaking me out a little.

1. I've been thinking a lot about Carter lately. It feels like he's changed and grown up a ton in the last couple of months. Going into gymnastics on his own confidently, and now telling me he wants to stay with Nikin, instead of at home. I feel like he's starting to become more independent and he's really developing, on his own terms, relationships outside of the relationship he has with me and with his dad. It's so interesting to watch him make this transition from clingy toddler, to confident kid. This is going to sound dumb, maybe, but I really feel like his willingness to venture out is a reflection on how secure he is at home. He knows he's loved. He knows we're proud. He knows we will always come get him and we'll always be here when he gets home and because he knows those things, he can move out into the world a little more, even if he still looks back to make sure we're still watching and cheering him on from the bleachers. It just makes me feel proud of who he is becoming and (I hope) our role as parents in helping him to get to that confident place.

2. Grayson's baby swing. I'm thankful for Grayson's baby swing. I doubt I need to explain that.

3. Spending time reading in the bath tonight before having a bath with Grayson.

Life is good.

Wednesday, January 21 - 3 Good Things: Talking to my parents, another successful gymnastics class, and sleeping in tomorrow.

Last night's sleeping was terrible -- again! Up at least every two hours. I was so tired today, but not in a terrible mood, surprisingly. Actually, today was a pretty good day.

1. We got to chat with my parents via Facetime. It was so good to SEE them. Just over two weeks to go until they are home. I don't want to wish two weeks away because at this rate, Grayson is growing so fast that I want the last two months back, but I am looking forward to seeing them and having them near again :)  They looked great. Happy and relaxed. They really miss their grandboys, but can you blame them?!

2. Carter was a good boy at gymnastics again. He really enjoys it, so I'm glad I re-registered him for the winter session. Every once in a while, he would stop where he was in the course he was on and look for us in the crowd. We would wave and smile and give him the thumbs up and he would smile and wave back. It was so flippin' cute. I've waited my whole life for moments like that and they're everything I hoped they would be.

3. Nicole took Carter for the night. This means I get to sleep in tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a day that starts off with more rest. Again, I'm hoping the night isn't as horrendous as I'm anticipating it to be. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, January 20th - 3 Good Things: Library books, baby naps, and crepes

I didn't get the best sleep last night again. Grayson was turning into a better sleeper, so let's hope it was a fluke, shall we? He started off okay, sleeping from about 9-1, but was up every two hours after that. I'm hoping tonight is different. I'll even take three hour stretches. Beggars can't be choosers!

In spite of being tired (a reliable theme in my life, it seems), here were the pleasantries of today:

1. I packed the kids up and took them to the library. Carter was more interested in the foam blocks than in picking out books, but in the end, I did get him to pick out a couple books to take home. Once we got home, he seemed much more excited about his picks, which included Thomas the Train books and Curious George. I'm going to make it a weekly ritual and hope that he gets more excited about the book-picking part of the trip.

2. Laying down for an hour with Grayson this afternoon. Napping with him is one of my favourite things to do. It won't be long before I can't do that anymore, so I cherish those restful moments now.

3. After supper we went out for dessert to a crepe place near our house. I was craving one so bad and it was just oh-so-good!

Tomorrow is already Wednesday! Another week, half gone. I don't know where my days go!

Monday, January 19th 3 Good Things: I love my little Misters

1. For the past couple of weeks or so, Grayson sees and smiles at himself in the mirror and it's the cutest danged thing ever. I need to get a video of it because, seriously, it kills me.

2. As I was reading Grayson his bedtime book tonight he kept smiling and talking to the book. Right after getting him ready for bed, I went to Carter's room to read him his bedtime books. I love that we read to the kids. I really, really hope to raise avid little readers who love going to the library as much as I did as a kid (and still do as an adult).

3. Every morning Carter asks where Dad is and I tell him that Dad is at work. This morning Carter informed me that Carter misses Dad. Pretty sweet moment, right there. Then, my Grayson was Mr. Smiley and Chatty today. He's such a social little man.

Yes, there are days where both of them drive me crazy. And, yes, there are days where I just want ONE DAY OFF from parenthood. But, I cannot relate how much I love these two little boys. Kids really take over your life, but loving kids and raising them is the most rewarding and emotional experience I've ever had. I can't remember who said this, but I read somewhere that a male movie star who recently became a father said something like, "I had no idea how much my mom loved me until I had a child of my own." I love that because it couldn't be more true.

Monday is over and I survived it without Starbucks or a shopping spree. Maybe those things will encourage me to leave the house tomorrow though :)

I hope everyone has a good night!

Sunday, January 18th - 3 Good Things: And the cranky toddler is back!

It was another decent night of sleep for Grayson. His stretches of sleep are still not as long as other babies his age - at least that's what I can tell from talking to my mom friends with similarly aged, or younger, babies. But he's getting better and that's all I really care about.

Carter had his second last swim class today. I didn't make the mistake of sending him with Jeff this time and left Jeff and Grayson home together while Carter and I went. He wasn't great for me, but he wasn't terrible. The past three days or so, my little angel (who I was just gloating about last week) has reverted back to monster status. He's not listening, acting up, and whining a ton. I'm not sure what the issue is, but in spite of my getting more sleep, I'm still low on patience, and he's driving me bonkers.

I was in kind of a crummy mood today, for no good reason. Nothing about the day was particularly  bad - it was just not a particularly pleasant or happy day for me either. Plus, my clogged milk duct issue, which seemed to be nearly resolved on Friday, started to come back on Saturday. I don't understand what the issue is or how it's even possible considering the fact that Grayson is still nursing every 3 - 3.5 hours at the longest and I never feel like I "fill up" or get engorged at all in that time. So, how the milk is still building and backing up, I have no flippin' idea. Breastfeeding this time around is a total pain in the ass. I'm hoping we're just working out all the kinks now and that things will be smooth sailing from here on out.

It was harder for me to think of three good things today, to be honest. But here's what I came up with:

1. Carter wore his life jacket in his swimming lesson today and actually liked it. Normally, I dread life-jacket day because he flips his lid and it's a nightmare trying to deal with Mr. Stubborn Butt, however, today he liked it and had fun wearing it. He normally doesn't much care for backfloats and clings to me pretty strongly, but today, I managed to get him to let me pull him around by his hands while he did his backfloats. This is decent progress for sure!

2. I am happy that we are the kind of family who puts their kids in extra-curricular activities and that we are fortunate enough to be able to afford to do this. Not every family is able to do this financially, so I feel like we're a pretty lucky little group.

3. I took the kids to my Aunt's place for supper. Carter LOVES being there and it got me out of the house and playing a game of cards. Anyone who has played cards with my grandparents knows that the opportunity to do so is not an opportunity one wants to miss. These people are hysterical. 

Tomorrow is Monday. I intend on making that okay by getting Starbucks and by going to Superstore to shop for cute pants for Grayson. He has pants, but he has a shortage of cute pants. This is an important distinction. Wish me luck.

Saturday, January 17th - 3 Good Things

Last night was another good sleep night for Grayson. Not as good as the night before, but still pretty good. He was up a bunch of times throughout the night, but was right back to sleep once I put his soother back in his mouth. Carter being a thumb-sucker is crap right now, because I hate that he's three and still sucks his thumb, but the benefit to having a thumb-sucker when they are smaller is that you aren't up 300 times a night to put the baby's soother back in his mouth. I'll appreciate that Grayson is a soother baby when he's a toddler and it's time to give up the pacifier, but right now, it kind of sucks.

So Saturday. Saturday was good because:

1. My siblings (Joel, Sarah, Curt) came over for brunch today. I love these people. I am so proud of these people. Truly proud. They are smart, kind, really hard-working, but above all - they are really good people with good hearts. And they are the people who will be an Aunt and Uncles to my boys.

2. We hear from my parents every day. I love getting their messages and seeing how much fun they are having. Right now they are on a cruise and once they are on dry land for the remainder of their trip, we will do a Skype call. I'm interested to see how Carter reacts to seeing them on the computer and can't wait to actually "see" them and talk to them for a little longer.

3. Jeff and I watched Gone Girl tonight. Everyone I talked to really liked the movie, and (as I said in previous posts) I thoroughly enjoyed the book, so I was excited to see it. I thought it was only okay. It didn't compare to the book, but the movie rarely does. The movie felt like it was rushing to tell as much of the book/story as it could, but Jeff (who didn't read the book) didn't feel that way, so I think that's a reader's bias. But, we had both kids in bed and were actually able to watch a movie together on a Saturday night which almost made it feel like old times. That was the nicest part of watching the movie - feeling like we have a life. Shhhhh - don't tell our kids!

Friday, January 16th - 3 Good Things: The two-week wait commences, a ton of sleep was had, and a to-do list got some check marks

Short and sweet:

1. Two weeks from today, my parents will be back. We're half way there and I'm so excited to see them. Carter asked about them yesterday. I think he misses his Nan and Pe. I'm hoping their flight comes in at a time when I can take the kids to meet them at the airport because I want to record Carter's reaction when he sees them.

2. Last night was Grayson's best sleep since birth. It was fabulous and I actually feel really well-rested today! I hope last night wasn't a fluke and that this is the start of something good. The tenderness in my breast is getting better too, so I *think* that we are on the road to recovery for real this time!

3. I got a couple things (not everything, by any means) crossed off my to-do list today. Every time I get to go into that app on my phone and click the check mark, my breath comes just a little easier.

Extras:

4. It's only 5 p.m. and I've completed and posted my blog post for the day. This means I won't be doing it tonight. Woot!

5. The weekend is upon us and is bringing some warm winter weather. I would like to spend some time outside with Carter playing in the snow - taking him to the hill by either our house or my parents to go tobogganing, and/or building a snowman in our front yard. This will be his first snowman and I think he would be so proud. (In having coffee with Pat yesterday, she was talking about how they were planning on doing this with their grandson - also named Carter - and this would also be his first snowman. Thanks for the idea, Pat!)

Thursday, January 15th - 3 Good Things: My Pat fix, a completed novel, and a happy baby

I was tired as all get out today. This was my fault as much as Grayson's because I stayed up until 1:30 reading Gone Girl. I couldn't put it down! Because I'm tired, this post is going to be a quickie, so I hope you like those. Here's why today was a gooder:

1. Pat came over for a long overdue coffee. She brought Starbucks. Pat + Starbucks = one of my favourite ways to spend any evening. I love this woman.

2. I finished Gone Girl. I loved it. I'm sad it's over, but glad it's over because reading it was taking over my life (which came at the expense of my sleep). I can't wait to see the movie now! I am also happy that I've finished the book because one of my goals for 2015 was to read a book a month and we're only half-way through January and I've already completed the first of the 12. I'm debating with myself on what to read next: another novel by the author of Gone Girl?

3. My little Grayson was such a happy boy today. He tolerated (and fell asleep for) a good hour or hour and a half in his swing today while I got Carter his breakfast and got all of us ready to leave the house for yet another doctor's appointment for me. Then this evening, he was just a happy little guy - smiling and chatting at me from his bouncer in the kitchen as I tidied up after supper. He even finished the night off by going to bed really well. It sure would be nice if he is as kind to me throughout the night, but I'm not holding my breath :)

Tomorrow is Friday, people. FRIDAY. Just sit on that for a second.

(By the way, the doctor said that my clogged duct issue should get better, but sometimes these things take time. She said I'm doing everything I should be doing and to just keep on doing those things. If in a week, I'm still having pain, come back. If at any point the fever comes back, or I start to find myself getting nauseous, to come back. But, I have to say that even now, nearly 12 hours after seeing her, I think the pain is lessening. Let's hope I'm right and not just on some kind of high from my visit with Pat and the delicious white chocolate mocha that she brought for me!)

Wednesday, January 14th - 4 Good Things: More sleep, my little gymnast, and my current addiction to Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl

Carter stayed with Nin (cousin Nicole) at my parents' place again for most of the day, so I got to sleep in again with Grayson, which was nice. I had planned on going to get a couple of errands done in the afternoon with Grayson, but felt tired and headachey, so instead lazed around the house with my wee babe as attached to me as he can possibly be without the umbilical cord in play; lazed around and read, I should say. There are worse ways to spend a day.

I will admit to having a short-lived cry-fest this afternoon over this clogged duct situation, which is definitely NOT better today and may be getting worse. It hurts to lift my arm above my head, people. I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon to talk to her about what happens if this thing doesn't open up. I'm feeling anxious about it.

In spite of spilling tears (and not as much milk as I'd like), today was kind of great because:

1. I got around 6 hours of sleep, which is the most sleep I've had in a long time. Last night it was clear to me that Grayson was just not going to settle well in his own bed, so I gave up and pulled him into bed with me. He fell asleep immediately and slept soundly for two hours. Now, two hours isn't really as long as he should be sleeping for his age, however, I kind of need him to nurse off of my broken boob that often to try to help me clear this problem up, so for now, I'll take it. He gave me three 2-hour stretches. They were great. I didn't really wake up this morning feeling well-rested, even though that's the most sleep I've had in a good two weeks, but I'm still really happy that the number of hours was up a little last night and I'm sure the tiredness can just be linked to the stress I'm feeling and infection-fighting my body is doing right now.

2. Carter's gymnastics class started tonight. I registered him in the same class he was in last year instead of bumping him to the next age group because I wasn't sure he was ready for the next level. Mostly because in the previous class, he was still insistent, most classes, that either me or his dad come in with him rather than going in alone, as he should. Anyway, I was running late (shocker!) so I dropped Nicole off at the door with Carter and went to park. I wanted to make sure that he was there when his teacher called his class in since it's the first week and we don't know who his teacher was going to be for this session. When I got inside, Jeff and Nicole were standing there, sans Carter. I asked where he was and they motioned into the gym. He went in alone and was just fine with it. I was so proud - progress! Not only did he stay in the whole class on his own, without asking for one of us to come in and/or getting upset that we weren't there, but he participated so well in class and has become pretty comfortable doing all of the activities that the teacher had the kids do. It was his best class ever. I need to talk to Jeff tonight about having Carter drop that class and registering him in the next level up, if it's not too late. I just felt like such a proud mom and ya'll know that mom-pride is THE BEST kind.

3. I'm 77% of the way through the novel Gone Girl according to my e-reader. I'm freaking LOVING this book. I'm totally hooked and all I can think about (aside from my boob) is reading it. I wanted to read it before seeing the movie, and I'm loving the book so much that I'm glad I made that decision. Also, there are few things better than a book you can't put down. The downside to finishing it will be, of course, finishing it.

4. After finishing up at gymnastics, Nikki and I went to Target with the kids to get some shopping done. Going to Target qualifies for a good thing all on its own already, but when we dropped Nicole off after we were done there, Carter started to cry once she got out of the car. Now, I am not happy that my child was upset, but the fact that he reacts the same way when she leaves him as he does when his dad or I leave him warms my heart and is indicative of how secure and loved he feels by and with her. I feel lucky that my boys are so fortunate to have so many people in my their lives who love them so deeply. Other than good health and happiness, that's all I want for them.

Signing off for this evening to stuff my face and get in another couple chapters before bed!

Tuesday, January 13th - 3 Good Things: Beating Mastitis, but not the clogged duct and the world's crankiest baby

So last night was better than the night before, but still a bit rough. I thought I was moving on to the land of the healthy, but then at 3:00 a.m., the chills came right back and the sweating through your clothes kind of fever followed into the morning. Not the most fun I've ever had, but hopefully by the end of the week, I'll be totally back to normal.

As the day wore on, no fever and no chills showed up to party, but I feel like the lump (caused by the blocked duct) in my breast isn't getting better and is, in fact, getting more noticeable than it was yesterday. Even the doctor said yesterday that she couldn't feel a lump, so that fact that I can feel a bump (not a bump, really - it feels more like a vein that's enlarged and that you can follow or trace with your finger, starting at the back of my breast, near my armpit) today makes me a little scared that the antibiotics will clear up the infection, but if I can't get the duct to un-swell, I'll be back at the doctor next week with another one. If you're reading this and you've had Mastitis, please share with me how long it took for the lump and discomfort to go away. (You can do this either by commenting on the post or by emailing me at vegetarianwifey@gmail.com, emailing me on Facebook, or texting me, if you're close.) So I'm feeling a bit stressed about that. I've been putting a heating pad on it all day today before nursing Grayson and massaging the area, both before and while he nurses. I've been getting him to empty the breast completely of milk. I've been varying nursing positions. I've been doing everything I can do. Everything I've read to do. So I'm just really, really hoping things work themselves out soon.

That's the boob update, since I know you're all just dying to know!

Grayson had ZERO interest in being put down today. He was insistent I hold him all day long. And I found him to be pretty fussy. I'm not producing a ton of milk at the moment, because I'm just starting to get my appetite back. With the fever, I ate a little, but not nearly enough to ensure a great milk supply, which (stupidly) I didn't even think about at the time. Anyway, because he's nursing every two hours, and because I'm only just starting to get my supply back up (I hope), he wasn't getting a lot of milk at each feed and I think that had him ticked off. This evening, I actually thawed some of my frozen pumped milk to top him up and he drank it all, so I think hunger was part of his issue, however, he was crankier tonight than he's ever been in his entire 11 weeks (today!) of life, so I'm not sure what that was about. He's sleeping now and I'm hoping for a better night, though, I do sort of need him up every couple of hours to nurse off my broken boob, so I think it'll be another long night for me.

So that was my day. It was still good for a bunch of reasons.

1. I am happy to be feeling better today, minus the duct, which I am hoping will just take some time to go down and that's the only reason I'm still feeling any discomfort or lump. Though I'm still not 100% and I still feel a bit "off", I'll take it considering how I felt on Sunday night and most of Monday day.

2. The cold snap has finally broken and, though I haven't been outside today, like everyone else in this frigid city, I'm so happy about this. This means that small errands I need to run with the kids no longer have to wait because if I don't have to, I'm not packing up a toddler and two and a half month old baby to go out in -35. I just appreciate that this makes us less housebound. If I'm feeling okay and up to it, I may just do a Target run tomorrow and a visit to my wonderful Pat at work.

3. Because Mr. Grayson was insistent that he be held virtually all day, today was a pretty lazy day. I did and put away one load of laundry and that about sums up the housework I did during the day. I sat in my rocking chair with him and watched tv while he slept and got up and played with him while he was awake. He LOVES it when someone is talking to him. The only problem with this is that I smile at him so much that my smile muscles hurt by the time he's done with the conversation. It was kind of nice to be a couch potato and just watch tv though. I did make up for that by cleaning both upstairs bathrooms when Jeff got home from work. :)

I'm hopeful that tomorrow brings me the opportunity to update with good news about my less swollen breast and my much happier baby.

Monday, January 12th - 3 Good Things - Hello Mastitis, Goodbye Monday

Oh people. Today was rough. Like really, really rough. I was up nearly all night, either to tend to a Grayson who was being his usual terrible sleeping self, or because I got hit hard with the chills and a fever. It was awful. I was either teeth-chatteringly freezing, or far too hot. Combine that with the pain I was in and even when Grayson was sleeping, I wasn't. My back is sore today from shivering so hard for the last 24 hours.

First thing this morning, I called the doctor's office to get in to see her. She agreed that the presence of the fever and chills, combined with my very sore and tender lady lump is indicative of Mastitis and she gave me a prescription.

The chills were really the worst part of it though. I was basically taking Tylenol every 3-3.5 hours because around the 2.5 hour mark, the chills would come back in full force and leave me almost incapacitated. Even under a blanket, I was frozen. When we got home from that appointment, the chills returned and I actually sat on top of the heat vent with my blanket - still freezing. I ended up laying down there, on the floor in Grayson's room, not quite asleep, but not really awake. I felt too tired and too cold to get up. I must have looked totally ridiculous.  But I was too tired and too cold to move.

Finally, now, at 10:30, I'm in better spirits. I last took Tylenol and Ibuprofen at around 5:30 and no chills and no fever have returned, so maybe I'm finally making progress. It seems too early for progress, since I've only taken my first antibiotic pill, but maybe I was beginning to work things out on my own too, with nursing Grayson so often to try to unclog the duct. Either way, I'm feeling more myself in the last 2 hours than I've felt in the last 24 hours, so I'll take it.

In spite of my physical troubles, today was good because:

1. Jeff stayed home from work and pretty much did everything - all the parenting, all the meals, drove me to the doctor, etc. He is just such a committed husband and father and man oh man, I'm so lucky.

2. The fact that we live in a country where I can go to the doctor, get a prescription and I don't have to worry about whether or not we can afford it. We're blessed to live in Canada for many reasons, but today, I'm grateful for this one.

3. Carter is staying with cousin Nin at my parents' place tonight. She has this perfect combination of spoiling him and being strict that is so fun for me to watch. He just adores her. I'm glad he's somewhere for the night and tomorrow where he can have someone's undivided attention and I'm also grateful that this should mean I will be able to sleep more tomorrow with Grayson and tend to my (hopefully) healing boob.

And that, my friends, was Monday. I'm glad it's over.

Sunday, January 11th - 3 Good Things

My happiness levels were pretty high today, in spite of the fact that we didn't really have the best day. They are starting to wane a little now, since I feel physically terrible. 

Grayson had another bad night, so it started off with little sleep. Jeff got up with Carter at 9, and took Grayson out until about 10:30 to let me sleep. When he came into the room, he was a little defeated and said he'd had one of "those" mornings. 

Then, against my better judgement, I stayed home with Grayson while Jeff took Carter to his swimming lesson today. I find Carter listens to me better at the lessons (in general lately too), so thought it might be wiser to take him in the water myself and let Jeff either stay home with Grayson or come with us to watch - both with the hope that the little stinker would sleep the whole time and give Jeff a much needed mental break. We were both a bit worried that Grayson would flip his noodle, though, which is just as frustrating as Carter not listening, so he said he'd rather do swimming. Off they went, only to be back at about the time the class was ending; this told me things didn't go well. He said Carter didn't listen at all and spent half the class crying loud enough that he was getting looks from the other parents and felt that Carter was actually disrupting the class in that no one could really hear the teacher's instructions. So he gave up and left early. Of course, Grayson slept like an angel for me the entire time they were gone. (I was holding him the whole time, mind you, but he still slept.) Lesson learned.

I sent Jeff for a time out in his theatre room. He clearly needed a break from the kids, so I told him to take a chunk of the afternoon to himself to reset - play a game, watch a movie or a tv show, or do whatever would allow him to check out of the stress of life for a bit.

The other kind of crap thing about today is that when the guys were gone to swimming, I could tell that I was suffering from a clogged milk duct. I'm not going to explain this because either you know what it is and don't need an explanation, or you have no idea what it is and don't want to hear the explanation. If you don't know what it is and you DO want an explanation, Google is always at your service.

Anyway, I started feeling really tender on the one side and just thought I would try to nurse Grayson every two hours off that side first, take hot showers/baths, and use hot compresses so that I don't end up with Mastitis. Unfortunately, as the day went on, I started to get the chills and knew that wasn't a good sign. I'm still really sore and Tylenol has helped with the fever, but I'm hoping I can flush it out without antibiotics. If I'm still feeling lousy tomorrow, or worse, I will have to go to a doctor, I guess.

In spite of all that crap, I don't feel too stressed or frustrated. This is extra impressive considering that tomorrow is Monday. Here's why the day was still okay:

1. While the boys were at swimming, I rocked my baby and watched the first episode of The Bachelor. I don't care if you judge me. I know it's terrible, unintelligent, sexist, etc., but I still like watching it and in this world, you've gotta do whatever the hell brings you any kind of happiness. It was nice to sit and watch a tv show. I haven't done this in weeks.

2. I picked up some gluten-free products today when I went to get groceries. I'm not fully ready to be totally gluten free, but I'm getting there. We also finally meal planned suppers this week and I'm hoping this will allow my gluten free diet to be easier for me to follow and will also mean healthier eating for my little family. The next step will be to plan lunches too. With the help of Pinterest and Google, I'll get there.

3. I took Carter with me to get groceries. He's such a good little shopper and, even though it was terribly cold today, it gets him out of the house. The grocery store is the same space as the Dollar Store, so he got to pick out a couple things. This made for a happy boy. He doesn't always get to pick a treat or a toy, but he's been so good with being stuck in the house while I'm a less-than-stellar mom due to utter fatigue, I really felt like he deserved it.

And that's that. Tomorrow is still supposed to be terribly cold, but it's going to break (so they tell us) on Tuesday. Good god I hope that's true. And, also, please send "open milk duct vibes" to my poor boob. (This will be the only time I ever request that anyone think about either of my breasts. Desperate times, people. Desperate times.)

Signing off - again, without spell-checking. Love you to all.

Saturday, January 10th - 3 Good Things

Today was a catch-up on sleep day and holy man, did I sleep. Grayson was, again, slightly better last night. His longest stretch of sleep was still only three hours (and mine was still only two), but again, at least he didn't wake up every 15-30 minutes. He did however wake up around 6 and didn't settle very well after that. He was clearly uncomfortable - pulling his legs to his chest and crying, then settling a little only to realize he couldn't sleep and to do the whole thing over again. Poor guy. Jeff ended up getting up with him around 6:45 so I could sleep and brought him back in to me for a nursing session at 9:30, so I got up, nursed him, had some breakfast and around 10:30, when Jeff put Grayson in his bassinet for a nap, I went into our room and laid down too. Of course, the little fart woke up after 20 minutes. When it was obvious to me that putting his soother back in and leaving my hand on his chest in his bassinet wasn't going to soothe him, I picked him up and brought him into bed with me and we napped together until 1:00. And there starts my first good thing for the day.

1. I got so much more sleep. I don't like to sleep in late, normally. I hate that it eats so much of your day, and I don't get enough days of Jeff being home with us, so I don't like that they are erased by sleep. And I also find that I feel terrible, physically, when I sleep too late into the day. But this morning, when I went back to bed at 10:30, I was just too tired to stay up and I'm so glad I went to bed. I feel nearly human. And happy. I feel happy. I reiterate: it's amazing what sleep can do for a person's mood.

2. My brother came over to visit today and was kind enough to play with Carter while I got some organizing and tidying done upstairs. I could hear them downstairs making a real raucous and Carter laughing like mad at something Uncle Curtis was doing. I love that I have brothers who come to my house and play with their three-year-old nephew - though I wonder if this is because their maturity level is matched?? Maybe sometimes ;)  Either way, I have a brother that occupied and entertained my toddler, and a husband who got up early with our baby. This amounts to some pretty incredible men in my life.

3. My parents are spending their first full day on the cruise ship today. I miss them so much and think about them all the time (yes, it's only been four days - you can go right ahead and openly judge and mock me). The cruise ship has a "deck cam" feature where you can go to their website and select whichever ship you want and choose the "deck cam" option to see the camera from the front of the ship. I took a screen shot on my phone. (I intended to insert that picture here, but the stupid Blogger app on my phone won't upload a photo lately.) It's clearly a rainy day, but there they are - on the deep blue sea! Mom said today is a laundry and explore the inside of the ship day and their most recent message to us said that they were gambling. Sounds like a good day to me! Have fun, Parental Units!

I think when the boys are older, we will do a cruise, probably with my parents. I really want to do the Disney Cruise. How fun would that be for two little fellas??

I hope everyone had a happy Saturday.

I am not spell-checking this. It's 11:12 and my bed awaits. Please forgive me, if necessary :)

Friday, January 9th - 3 Good Things

Well, sleep continues to allude me - both because of Grayson and because when I do get to bed, whether to nap or for the night, I struggle to fall asleep. I can't shut my mind off. Stupid things are keeping me awake, and a shit ton of mom-guilt. Guilt about Carter. Guilt about Grayson. It's all things that are either ridiculous (I didn't fill in nearly as much of Carter's baby book as I am filling in of Grayson's) or the same mom-guilt topics that plague many moms of two kids (I am not spending as much time with Carter as I'd like as I try to sort out Grayson's day-sleep issues) and as a mom whose baby is having tummy troubles (I'm eating the wrong things, so it's my fault he's in pain and not getting enough sleep). The point is: I'm still tired. This has to get better. Right? Right!?!

In spite of the 4 (or less?) hours of sleep I got last night, here are my 3 Good Things:

1. I actually got some cleaning done today so my house doesn't look totally atrocious.

2. I am kind of a proud mama with Carter. He just turned three on Christmas Eve, and like any toddler, he has tantrums and will sometimes cry over the stupidest things, but for the most part, he's such a good little boy. He's been listening well, eating well, going to bed well, and playing really well lately. When I'm trying to get Grayson to sleep, he plays with his toys in the living room until I come out. I can't remember if I've said this before or not, but I'm intrigued with watching his play lately, which has progressed to a new level of make-believe. I feel like he's engaging more in make-believe than he did even a couple of months ago and watching his imagination work its magic makes me proud. His toys talk to each other, or he will hold them up in front of his face so they are talking to me. He's such a little boy now and things like this are yet another reminder of that.

3. My brother's girlfriend, Sarah, came over today to tend to Grayson so I could nap. He didn't really allow her to do that and I only got about 40 minutes or so, but I so appreciated that she was over. She is one of the sweetest people I know and we're so lucky that Joel has chosen to bring her into our family. :)

And it's the weekend. This should me some more sleep for me. I hope. Come on, Grayson. Help a mama out!

Thursday, January 8th - 3 Good Things

Okay, it's Thursday. I can do this. One more day.

Sleep update - it still sucks. A lot. BUT, I did feel much better today. After we got both kids to bed last night, I went to the spare room downstairs and slept on that super comfy bed, in peace; that is to say, without Grayson's grunts, groans, cries and sleep noises that will wake me up, no matter how quiet they are. I am programmed to wake up to every single little noise he makes. I think it's the fault of my ovaries. It sucks, but I'd rather wake up if he's having an issue than not. Anyway, I slept from about 10-1 and Jeff attended to Grayson when he needed something, which - Jeff tells me - wasn't very often, so that's good that he's sleeping a little better.

I woke up on my own at 1 and heard Grayson crying on the sound monitor that Jeff had on upstairs. So I went up to bed and ended up nursing him around 2. From there, there were still a lot of wake ups, but getting an uninterrupted three hours hasn't happened for me in a very long time, so I already felt better in the night and felt much better throughout the day today. That is my first good thing for this day:

1. Not feeling nearly as tired as I felt yesterday. I'm still tired and I still only ended up getting six (?) hours of sleep (I think that's a fairly generous number), but I feel better, so I'm going to focus on that instead of the number of hours of sleep I got.

2. Grayson fell asleep on his own in his own bed today. It only lasted 20 minutes, but it still felt like a win, god dammit.

3. We got the first update from my parents from Australia today. I will spend the next month looking forward to their email updates and will live vicariously through their travel adventures, since, not only will I not be travelling for a very long time, but I'm not even leaving the house because of this ridiculously frigid weather.

Screw you, Saskatchewan winters. Screw you right in the face.

Okay, Friday. It's you and me, baby.

Wednesday, January 7th - 3 Good Things

Today has been rough, mainly because the last two nights have been rough with Grayson; worse then usual (and his usual sucks). So I'm exhausted. The kind of exhausted where you wonder how your body functions at all. It's 8:23 p.m. and both kids are in bed (though the odds of Grayson staying asleep for any decent amount of time are slim) and I'm typing this in bed, hoping I'm wrong about Grayson and that the next four hours or so see me in dream land. So, quickly, here are my three things:

1. Using an online flight tracker, I spent the day checking in on my parents' 15 hour flight to Sydney, Australia. I saw that it landed safely. I'm glad to know they got there and am looking forward to my first message from them. I can't wait to hear about all of their fun adventures.

2. Having a half an hour de-stressing soak in the tub when Jeff got home.

3. I bought myself a caffeine-free coffee replacement and it actually tastes pretty good. I don't think that will help Grayson (and me) sleep any better or for longer stretches, but at this point, it's worth a try. I'm on the verge of cutting out everything in my diet and staring from scratch (eggs, gluten, nuts, soy. Diary has been out for two weeks, but I had some the last 3 days and I'm hoping that's the cause for Grayson's night issues, which should resolve themselves shortly, once the dairy protein works itself out of his system.)

Please god, let tonight be better.

Tuesday, January 6th - 3 Good Things

Today was a good day, even though I was tired as all get out. Here's why:

1. The boys each had a growth check doctor's appointment today - Carter for his 3 years and Grayson for his 2 months. I got myself showered and ready and got two kids ready and out the door, by myself, and made it to that doctor's appointment on freaking time. HELLS TO THE YES.

2. My little men are are growing and healthy and nothing else really matters. Carter weighs 31 pounds, which puts him in the 51st percentile, and is 38 inches tall, which puts him in the 52nd percentile. Grayson is 12.89 pounds which puts him in the 51st percentile and is 23.5 inches -- and I can't remember what percentile that was. It was a good appointment though, and - as I said - I'm happy that they are happy and healthy :)

3. My parents took off on a jet plane this morning. They are headed to a month-long trip to Australia and New Zealand. I am not in any way looking forward to them being gone. I get separation anxiety and a month is an awfully long time for my anxious ass. This is not a good thing, but the fact that I survived my first day without them is. One day at a time people.

4. I had to add a fourth, cause she's always worth it: my cousin Nicole (Carter calls her Nin) is staying at my parents' house with her boyfriend. They are keeping the house occupied and watching the dogs. I just appreciate that Nic is always on the ready to help people out when she can. Also - she came over to my house tonight to visit the kids cause we haven't seen her since Christmas, which is a long stretch for us to go without seeing each other. I missed her and loved hearing about her school plans for the spring/summer.

5. And a fifth - It feels like Monday and I just realized that it's actually Tuesday. This puts me one day closer to the weekend and having Jeff at home for two days. And sleep. I'll get more sleep.

Okay, I'm going to eat approximately six Swedish Berries and then I'm off to bed. See you all tomorrow!

Monday, January 5th - 3 Good Things

Eeeek - I almost forgot! It's 11:00 p.m. and we have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at 11 that I am getting the kids to and home from on my own. This means I needed it to be an earlier night since it will need to be an earlier morning, because although I only need to leave the house around 10:25, getting the two kids ready and attempting to get a shower in for myself will be no small task. Everything with kids always takes longer than you think it will. So this post needs to be a quickie.

1. I was super productive today. I got three loads of laundry done and put away. I cleaned the kitchen, made supper, cleaned the kitchen again, and even managed to get a nap in there.

2. Carter is SO affectionate. I love it. He kisses and hugs me all the time. It just eats me up every time. I think he's like that because of how affectionate we are with him. I'm glad it transferred :)

3. Seeing my parents tonight. They came over to hang out with the boys. That's all I'm going to say about that, but I'll explain more later :)

Sorry it's so boring, but my bed is pleading with me to lay in it and with a busy day tomorrow, I should have already been in there 2 hours ago!

G'night, All!

Sunday, January 4th - 3 Good Things

1. Today we de-Christmased the house. I absolutely LOVE Christmas, but come January, the season feels over and I'm ready for it to be over, so it felt good to get the Christmas tree out of our living room and have that extra space for the thousand toys that Carter got for his birthday and Christmas. I wish I had the video camera out for his reaction when he realized the Christmas tree was gone. Jeff and I both cracked up. This kid is hilarious.

2. My family came over for Indian food for supper tonight. I love these people so much it's ridiculous. I've said before, and I'll say this again, but watching my brothers interact with Carter as he gets older and more fun is so amazing. They are both such good uncles. My boys are pretty danged lucky.

3. Texting with my SIL to ask her advice today. Sometimes it still can't believe that we have a relationship and that we have become as close as we are. We had virtually no contact for a good 5 years or so and I never thought we would speak on pleasant terms. Time did both of us a favour, I think, and here we are with the experience of being pregnant along side one another and now working through the difficulties that parents of young babies are all faced with. I'm so very fortunate to have her, and her beautiful little family, in my life and I'm so blessed that she has the opportunity to be such an incredibly loving and proud auntie to my boys.

Grayson is still sleeping like absolute poo, but clearly, I'm still feeling the love. It's cause I've got so many people in my life worth loving ;)

Saturday, January 3rd - 3 Good Things

This is the last weekend before we go back to life before Christmas; life as normal. That makes me both sad and happy. I'm happy to get things back to normal, but sad that Jeff won't be home as much since his only days off will be on the weekends. I get more sleep when he's home since he gets up in the morning with Carter. I get an extra hour or two, and that makes a huge difference when I'm only getting 5-6 hours a night.

Today, good things happened. And heeeeeeeeeeere they are [you have to say that last part like a game show host]:

1. I made progress on Grayson's baby book. I have three of them (because that's just how I roll), and I need to get the questions and notes about my pregnancy and the birth done before I start to forget the details. And I'd like to get the books up to date so that I'm only recording things as they happen (first word, first step, etc.).

2. Jeff took carter swimming today while I went to my parents' place with Grayson. I am glad about this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, we have been mostly housebound because it's been pretty cold, we've gotten a ton of snow and the roads are super icy which makes driving more of a risk (and not a risk I want to take when the trip is needless and I have such precious cargo in my car). Because of this, though, my poor Carter Peter Pants has been stuck in the house. So I was happy that he got to go out and do an activity he enjoys, while also getting some exercise.

Secondly, Jeff dropped me off at mom and dad's on his way to the pool with Carter and they came back afterwards so we could all have supper together before going home. While I was at mom and dad's, my dad hogged Grayson pretty much the whole time. This is what gave me the opportunity to complete some of Grayson's baby book. It was nice to have some freedom and it was nice to work on something that is important to me, but that I find hard to commit time to when I have piles of laundry that need to be put away and a kitchen that's truly embarrassing. And watching my dad with Grayson will never get old.

3. I just have to say, I have a really, really awesome husband. Every single day since Grayson's birth, when he's home, he gets up with Carter to allow me to sleep in. If Grayson is awake and has been nursed, he'll take him out too. I know he is tired too and he goes and never stops and still he does this. I will be glad when I'm getting more than five hours of sleep a night and can tell him I'm getting up with both kids and he should sleep in. I just so appreciate the sacrifices he makes. I'm not really sure how I got so lucky.

Friday, January 2 - 3 Good Things

1. I had a long bath this afternoon while the rest of my house napped. It was awesome.

2. I was cruising Facebook while in that bath and came across a picture someone had shared about a woman who had given birth to her baby this morning (I don't know this woman) FOUR MONTHS premature. I started to cry looking at that tiny baby with all the wires in the incubator. I immediately felt a rush of gratefulness at my two boys - both born full-term and healthy; both who left the hospital with us. I don't really pray, but I plead with the universe to give that little baby, and his or her mother, father, and family strength during what I can only imagine must be a terrible, terrible time. Hug your babies tight tonight.

3. My parents came over tonight and watched the kids while Jeff and I went out for supper. We were gone for less than two hours, but it was just him and me without the responsibility of parenthood looming over us. It was wonderful. And I love him.

January 1, 2014 - 3 good things

1. I slept well last night. Halle-freakin'-lujah. I feel like a new (and less cranky) woman. I can't wait for this kid to stop sleeping like a newborn.

2. I'm typing this on the laptop that Jeff bought me for my birthday. How spoiled am I?! It's much easier to want to do things online, like blogging, when I'm not limited to my phone.

3. Carter might seriously be the cutest kid I've ever seen. He did a bunch of super cute things today and I can't count the number of times I think to myself, "My god, you're cute kid."

2015 Resolutions

So I don't usually do new years resolutions because, to be totally up front, I never carry them out. I hate this about myself (so change that this year, Amber), but anyone who knows me well knows it's true. In spite of not doing "formal" resolutions, I have - like most everyone else - done some thinking about things I would like to accomplish this year. So here is my informal list. If you're reading this be on my ass in about six weeks and request status updates to keep me accountable, will you please?

1. I'd like to blog more. I fell off the wagon (again) after Grayson was born with my posting of 3 good things each day. Part of my game-plan to blog more is to at least post those three good things, each day, for the whole year. Since I couldn't even do 100 days, this seems like an awfully lofty goal, but part of my problem is that I'm too wordy. I say too much; I explain and expand on too much. So to be successful this time, I'm going to tone down the posts and there will be many days when I simply don't have the time, so on those days, I need to let go of wanting the post to be well-rounded and fully explained and just list three damned things. So there. That's what I'm going to do. I'll post for yesterday and for today later today.

2. I need to gain control of the picture situation in my house. Jeff and I have been married for 7 years this summer and I never did print out photos and put them in albums. I'm that behind on doing photo albums, which means I also need to do Carter's album and start one for Grayson. This is a seriously daunting task. I have an entire tote downstairs full of old pictures, frames, albums, etc. waiting to be dealt with. So, I just need to start working on it because this isn't a project that will be done in one weekend - even if it was a completely kid-free weekend.

3. Speaking of pictures: I want to take more pictures of my kids. And more videos. And I want to be in more of those pictures (lack of make-up and cute hair most days prevents me from wanting to be in the pictures, but I need to get over that). And I want to really learn how to use our DSLR camera. Jeff bought me this nice camera and I leave it on auto - which is basically a sin, so that needs to stop. Then, when I take pictures of the kids, some of them might actually look pretty nice!

4. I really want to organize my house better. That sounds really general, but there are a couple areas in particular that I need to tackle. The top drawer of my nightstand is a catch-all for everything, it seems. The nightstand in Carter's room is wasted space; the coffee tables in our living room also need to be organized better. I feel like it's easier to keep the house clean when every single thing that comes into it has a home, so if I organize those areas they can become homes for things that will not be cluttering up my house somewhere else.

5. I want to start reading again. I'm a slow reader, despite having done an MA in English. Combine that reality with my current lack of time situation thanks to the kind of busy that two kids bring, and I don't read. Ever. I want to try to read a book a month. I've started reading some when nursing Grayson in the evenings once Carter is in bed. I'm just over a quarter of the way through Gone Girl and I'm enjoying it so far, so my January book is well on its way :)

6. Once a month I want to cook something new and I want to bake something new. I am not a good cook. I'm not at all confident in my cooking skills and would say that I really don't know how to cook. I want that to change. I don't know that I'll ever LOVE cooking, but I'd like to feel confident in my ability to make a good meal for my family. I get frustrated when things I try turn into an epic fail, so I need to go into this one knowing that there will be epic fails and god dammit, that's okay!

7. I want to eat more fruits and veggies. I'm not getting enough of either, and I know it. On that note, I need to drink more water.

8. Once Grayson starts sleeping less like a newborn, I want to start working on toning my core. My stomach has gone down a ton since Grayson's birth, but my belly has stretched to grow two babies, so it needs some toning. I would like to go back to wearing a bikini and feeling good about myself... some day. I'm naturally thin, so putting in a little effort to flatten that belly out really isn't something I should complain about or avoid doing!

There. I'm sure as the year goes on, I will come up with more changes that I will add at the bottom of this post as add-ons, but for now those are things I would consider goals for myself this year.

What are yours??

A new day and a new year

People! After my terribly negative (but very real for me) post yesterday, I am happy to tell you that last night, I got a pretty damned good sleep! Not as awesome as some people with a nine-week-old baby, but better than what I've been getting, so I'll take it.

How much better I feel mentally today really highlights what a profound effect sleep -- or lack there of -- can have on a person. Having said that, my optimism levels are still pretty low and I'm not terribly confident that tonight will be a repeat performance, but ya never know.

Anyway, since yesterday's blog was so negative, I figured I would pull one of the blogs out of my previously written but unposted drafts that oozes love and happiness.

This was written on December 9th, but I never got around to editing and uploading it.

...........

I haven't written a post in forever. Grayson turned six weeks old this week (really, time, do you have to go so dickishly fast??) and I would say that it took us about three weeks to get into our new routine as a family of four. For me, being home on my own with two kids once Jeff went back to work was daunting, but we've fallen into a comfortable and manageable groove.

In spite of this groove, I have virtually zero free time, which is why there has been a complete absence of posts. Grayson insists on being held most of the time, and when he's not insistent on this, my time is spent prepping meals for Carter and me, hanging out with Carter, trying to clean my super messy house, attempting some sort of hygienic act, or sleeping, when I'm lucky enough to have both kids napping simultaneously.

Today I spent the afternoon and evening at my parents'. While Carter napped in "his room" I laid down and napped for a bit myself with baby Grayson. When I woke up, I could hear Carter chatting with his Nana. It made me smile; hearing her ask him what colour something was, his little voice telling her "red", and her telling him what a good and smart boy he is. I mean, I know my mom loves him, but hearing them have this conversation filled my heart up, and I can't really define why. I felt a little like I was eavesdropping on them, even though they weren't really having a "conversation." It felt like a "conversation" they would have when it's just the two of them and I'm not around. Not that I think that my mom acts any different with Carter when I'm around then when I'm not around, but that's what it felt like; like this was how they are together when it's just the two of them. And I liked it. It made me feel really happy.

Later, when my dad got home from work, he took Carter out for a toboggan ride (which was cause for much excitement) and, afterwards, gave Carter a bubble bath. My dad told Carter to get his bath toys and Carter opened the cabinet under the sink and got his bucket of toys out. Again, I kind of smiled as he did this and started to toss them in the tub, laughing at my dad as the game they always play at bath time commenced. He has his own bath toys there that have their own place. And he knows where this place is and when to get them out. It feels so much like he has a second home there; like he has part of his life there. That's a silly thing to say, I know. Of course, because he spends a lot of time with my parents and at their house, their house feels like his second home (or as much like his space?) as his own house. But I felt like today was the first time I saw that reality played out in an overt way.

I just felt really grateful. He has such a good relationship with his Nan and Pe and I'm really thankful for that. As a little girl, I loved being at my my grandparents' house. I was a grandma's girl from the start and their home was as comfortable to me as my own. I always hoped that my kids would have that same relationship with my parents and it looks like my little Carter already does. He is so loved by them and he so clearly is made to feel safe, important and adored in their house, and in their presence. And as his mom, that kind of love and security is my every wish for him.

Thanks, Mom and Dad, for being so kick-ass. My boys are just so very lucky.