This was my original post. I cried after posting it because I felt bad that I was being so negative and not being thankful enough for the truly good things. So I'll leave the original post in tact but add to it a little.
*Original*
Today has not been a good day. I'll just leave it at that.
1. Today was my first day gluten free. I don't think it'll work, but I'm out of ideas aside from freaking not eating, which has crossed my mind. One day down, god knows how many to go.
2. I have a house. That's a good thing.
3. My parents are back one week from tomorrow. I can't wait.
** End post
Okay, so there it was. Short and angry. I really didn't have a great day. That said, nothing made the day particularly bad. Sleep last night was rough. I feel like we're heading in the exact same direction that we were with Carter, where every 20-40 minutes, we have a baby who is awake and will only go back to sleep if I nurse him. I'm terrified of this. That period of Carter's babyhood was so difficult for me/us, and I already feel like I'm swimming upstream, so the thought that this will get worse and/or carry on for another three months is utterly devastating to me. I feel a little like I'm living in fear.
I stayed up late last night watching The Bachelor. That was my first mistake. Going to bed early is going to be key if I'm going to emotionally and physically survive this next couple of months. If I want to stay up late, it should only be on Thursdays, because Friday is always easier to manage when one's tired because you've got that knowledge that the weekend is just around the corner.
Because I was more tired in the night because I hadn't had at least two hours of sleep before all the wake-ups started, I found the night more frustrating than I did the night before when I was sleeping better. Grayson's naps were also especially bad today, which left my tired ass even more grouchy. It's cyclical - I spent too much time on social media and cleaned the kitchen instead of engaging with my kids. Carter almost literally watched the same Curious George movie all morning (cause I'm a good mom like that), while I cleaned the kitchen and tried (and mostly failed) to get Grayson to stay asleep. In the afternoon, we didn't have the tv on at all, which made me feel a little better at least.
I wanted to, but didn't get a chance to shower when Carter was napping (because Grayson just wasn't having it), and between feeling like I look like I've been hit by a truck and the fact that I'm pretty sure the roads were more icy than I would like, we skipped Carter's gymnastics class, which made me feel super guilty, considering the fact that he spent half the day watching tv. Yup, mom of the year award right here.
Tonight, I tried to go over Carter's words with him - the assignment that the speech therapist gave us to help him better enunciate syllables. His attention span is crap, so we only made it through one sheet. What were his rewards? Jelly beans. He had jelly beans and juice. Again this surely qualifies me for Mom of the freaking year.
So I just had a shitty day. But there are things that I'm supremely thankful for.
1. Grayson turned three months old today. I can't believe he's three months already. While I find him a "difficult" baby because of the sleep problems and the problems we're having with his gassiness/fussiness and trying to link that to whatever I'm eating (which has made nursing an incredibly stressful time), he's a healthy little boy and he's ours. And I do know that it really won't be this hard forever. And his smile is the best thing ever.
2. Like I said above, today is my first full day going gluten free. In the past couple weeks, Grayson has started spitting up a lot more, so clearly something in my diet is bothering him and I'm hoping and freaking PRAYING that it's stomach upset/gas that wakes Grayson at night. So, if I can figure out what food he's sensitive to, maybe, just maybe, we can also solve some of the sleep issues. Since I'm not ingesting dairy (other than cream in my coffee on Saturday and/or, the milk that is in a piece of chocolate or as an ingredient in store-bought cookies), it can't be related to that and the only other thing I eat daily would be things containing gluten. It's hard though - I already want a piece of the apple pie that's in my fridge. And I want it with real whipped cream. And I can't have either :( I'm clearly terrible at diets. But again, this won't last. I need to repeat that over and over.
3. I really am so excited to see my parents. I just feel calmer, better, like I have more support when they're here and near. That tells you what awesome parents they are :)
I feel like every other day is an extreme low. I feel disappointed in myself as a parent, as a wife, as a person. But, it's every other day that I seem to feel this way, so maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm going to make tomorrow better. How? I'm going to shower, do my hair, wear make-up and a pretty bra. I'm going to feel like I look nice. I'm going to leave the house for the first time in two days; the first time in three days that doesn't just involve getting groceries. I'm going to go shopping with the boys. I'm going to go to the immunization clinic and weigh Grayson. We're going to do pictures with Grayson tomorrow for his three months, which we would have done today, but I wasn't up to it. (I did take pictures of him with his little three month sticker at least.) I'm going to try really, really hard to be more positive.
But even now, Grayson won't settle to sleep. I put him to bed just after 7 and he woke up about 45 minutes later. Jeff is in the room trying to get him back to sleep. He's been in there for a good 20 minutes. I've spent that time trying, and failing, to get Carter to listen to any single instruction I give.
I want this day to be over now, but I'm scared of what tonight will bring.
Again, wish me luck. And pray, if that's a thing that you do. Or send restful thoughts to Grayson if you don't pray.
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