People! After my terribly negative (but very real for me) post yesterday, I am happy to tell you that last night, I got a pretty damned good sleep! Not as awesome as some people with a nine-week-old baby, but better than what I've been getting, so I'll take it.
How much better I feel mentally today really highlights what a profound effect sleep -- or lack there of -- can have on a person. Having said that, my optimism levels are still pretty low and I'm not terribly confident that tonight will be a repeat performance, but ya never know.
Anyway, since yesterday's blog was so negative, I figured I would pull one of the blogs out of my previously written but unposted drafts that oozes love and happiness.
This was written on December 9th, but I never got around to editing and uploading it.
...........
I haven't written a post in forever. Grayson turned six weeks old this week (really, time, do you have to go so dickishly fast??) and I would say that it took us about three weeks to get into our new routine as a family of four. For me, being home on my own with two kids once Jeff went back to work was daunting, but we've fallen into a comfortable and manageable groove.
In spite of this groove, I have virtually zero free time, which is why there has been a complete absence of posts. Grayson insists on being held most of the time, and when he's not insistent on this, my time is spent prepping meals for Carter and me, hanging out with Carter, trying to clean my super messy house, attempting some sort of hygienic act, or sleeping, when I'm lucky enough to have both kids napping simultaneously.
Today I spent the afternoon and evening at my parents'. While Carter napped in "his room" I laid down and napped for a bit myself with baby Grayson. When I woke up, I could hear Carter chatting with his Nana. It made me smile; hearing her ask him what colour something was, his little voice telling her "red", and her telling him what a good and smart boy he is. I mean, I know my mom loves him, but hearing them have this conversation filled my heart up, and I can't really define why. I felt a little like I was eavesdropping on them, even though they weren't really having a "conversation." It felt like a "conversation" they would have when it's just the two of them and I'm not around. Not that I think that my mom acts any different with Carter when I'm around then when I'm not around, but that's what it felt like; like this was how they are together when it's just the two of them. And I liked it. It made me feel really happy.
Later, when my dad got home from work, he took Carter out for a toboggan ride (which was cause for much excitement) and, afterwards, gave Carter a bubble bath. My dad told Carter to get his bath toys and Carter opened the cabinet under the sink and got his bucket of toys out. Again, I kind of smiled as he did this and started to toss them in the tub, laughing at my dad as the game they always play at bath time commenced. He has his own bath toys there that have their own place. And he knows where this place is and when to get them out. It feels so much like he has a second home there; like he has part of his life there. That's a silly thing to say, I know. Of course, because he spends a lot of time with my parents and at their house, their house feels like his second home (or as much like his space?) as his own house. But I felt like today was the first time I saw that reality played out in an overt way.
I just felt really grateful. He has such a good relationship with his Nan and Pe and I'm really thankful for that. As a little girl, I loved being at my my grandparents' house. I was a grandma's girl from the start and their home was as comfortable to me as my own. I always hoped that my kids would have that same relationship with my parents and it looks like my little Carter already does. He is so loved by them and he so clearly is made to feel safe, important and adored in their house, and in their presence. And as his mom, that kind of love and security is my every wish for him.
Thanks, Mom and Dad, for being so kick-ass. My boys are just so very lucky.
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