DAY 67- Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Ah Tuesday.

1. Today was a work day and I sure did miss my littles.

The first thing that happened when I got into work was that I broke my glasses in half while cleaning them with my shirt. Okay, Tuesday. I see you. I see your "screw you, Amber" and raise you a "tube of eff-you-crazy-glue." That's right. I glued those glasses right back together. They are still on my face, so take that Tuesday. TAKE THAT. I'm seriously lucky that the crazy glue worked because I had a webzine to get up on the website at work today and would have had my face an inch away from my computer screens in order to complete that task. It was a long day at work, but it would have been much, much longer without my eyeballs.

I've had these bad boys for over 4 years, so it's time for some newbies. I'm excited about glasses shopping though. Time for a new face. #LookattheBrightSide.

2. Other than make the boys supper, I did pretty much nothing of use tonight. It was a lazy night. I needed one.

3. Carter shovelled the driveway with Jeff tonight. He came in all rosey-cheeked, with wet ski pants from jumping in snow piles and Jeff said he had the best time. Grayson and I were in the house (we did try to let Gray play out there, but Mr. Grouchy-Ass -- still -- wasn't having it.) It was cute, looking out the window at a boy and his dad shovelling the driveway (by which I mean, Jeff shovelled the driveway, while Carter threw snowballs at him and laughed like a maniac).

The end. Because I don't have anything cutesy to say.

DAY 66 - Monday, November 28, 2016

Today was my day off and I got to spend it with my two little Misters. It shouldn't have been great; Grayson was a super-grouch (I really think he's working on a tooth) and we went and got our flu shots. All of that is as fun as you would think it is. And yet the day was weirdly great for a bunch of reasons:

1. Having a whole day with my lads with no restrictions. Other than the flu shot, there was nothing we needed to get done. The weather looked dreary, and when we did go out, we discovered it was as cold as it looked. Getting to stay in our nice warm, homey house felt kind of luxurious even though...

2. I didn't change out of my pajamas and into "real" clothes until 3:00 p.m. It was genius move and I stand by it.

3. Playing Guess Who with this handsome guy. Watching his facial expressions as he looked over his board and tried to figure out what questions to ask me was so funny. 

He's feeling like such a big kid lately. Mostly I look at him and see a little boy who still needs his Mama so much, and I know that he will need his Mama for many years to come, and even into adulthood (I hope), but more and more I get glimpses of him as a boy -- a big boy, not a little boy. It hurts my chest. Obviously, I want him to grow and be happy and healthy and all of those things, but it's impossible not to mourn the loss of him as the little boy I've had for so long. And then, he sits right on my lap when I'm reading Grayson books on the floor, or he plays with my hair while I'm sitting next to him on the couch. And I am able to breathe a short sigh of relief and the weight is mercifully removed from my chest... at least until the next glimpse of him as my big kid.

4. We got our flu shots today. Lame. Both kids cried. Carter flipped a noodle. But it's done and I'm grateful for both that and for the fact that it's been one of those pesky things that continually stares up at me from my to-do list.

And that was my day. I hope you - whoever is reading this - had a wonderful day too.

DAY 65 - Sunday, November 27, 2016

Why does tomorrow have to be a Monday that Jeff works? He has an upcoming trip that will be a week long and he just informed me that there will be another, shorter one, right before that. I was good with the week, but now knowing that there will be another one, and right before the long one, well, you know.

So let's talk about happy things, like why today was great, for example.

1. We set up our Christmas tree today and the boys did well and had fun with it -- especially Carter. I love having the tree there, all lit up. It is finally starting to feel like Christmas.

2. The boys watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas today and loved it. We've had it on in the past, but Carter didn't seem all that interested. Well, not this year :-)

3. Napping on the couch while Gray napped and Jeff and Carter played Disney Infinity (a video game). The cat slept right on me and it was a very nice, quiet half an hour. Carter was excited about Christmas stuff today so he literally talked non-stop all day, so when it's an important note that the nap time was also "quiet."

4. Having the kitchen cleaned before the kids even went to bed.

Okay, I have passport applications to fill out. #CantIPaySomeoneElseToDoIt

DAY 64 - Saturday, November 26, 2016

Today was a great day. Quickly, here's why...

1. We celebrated Carter's fifth birthday with his friends. We went bowling and the kids did a great job. They were all so well behaved and it went so much better than I anticipated it would. Most importantly, my birthday boy had a great time and felt special. It was the perfect party for my sweet boy. It made me a really happy Mama.

2. This one is super boring and lame, but I don't care: I got a bunch of my health care claim/receipts in and thank freaking god because the total was a lot. Like an embarrassing amount. It's the damned therapy bills. Those suckers add up, let me tell ya!

3. Playing Jenga with Carter tonight before bed. I feel like today there has been a good amount of quality time with my boys. It was so necessary. So necessary. 

DAY 63 - Friday, November 25, 2016

I am SURE no one else has mentioned this to you today (SARCASM), so I will: Christmas is a month away from today. Where in god's name did this year go?

So much has happened this year, and I should really start working on some kind of summary blog post. If you had told me some of the changes my life would see and some of the struggles I would have to work through over this year, I would have laughed directly into your beautiful face. But here I am. And I'm so happy. And I'm feeling so lucky. Is it luck? I don't know. But I'm grateful for it.

So about today...

1. This morning, I walked into my office to find this little spread of gifts on my desk.

This was a wonderful sight for a number of reasons. First, who doesn't like a surprise gift?! Second, as I read the card, which went through what each gift was and why it was chosen, I was struck by the amount of thought that Laura, one of the professors at Luther, put into this. She knows I've been struggling a bit as of late. But, here, she made me feel special and important. She made me feel cared for and loved. What else is there but feeling that way and knowing that you made someone else feel that way. That's sort of the point, I think.

It left me shaking my head. What did I do to deserve this, to deserve someone like Laura in my life? I have this group of people who are incredible supports for me and this was just another reminder of that. I felt so lucky. I hope that my people fully understand how grateful I am to have them in my life, and I hope that they know that I hope to be as wonderful to them in their lows as they are for me in mine.

2. Fridays are always just better. I now have three days with my boys and I hope that this weekend involves a fair bit of snuggling.

Carter is fighting some kind of cold. He doesn't seem at all bothered by it and, really, his only symptom is that his voice has been hoarse for about four days. He says that his throat isn't sore, his eating has increased, if anything (I think he's in the midst of a growth spurt since somehow all of his pants have become flood pants), he's still the same crazy, busy kid he always is, and I keep waiting for a fever, but so far (knock on ALL the wood): nothing.

I am getting a little freaked out that there's something bigger going on (ya'll know where my brain goes, yeah?), so I'll be taking him to a doctor next week if this doesn't clear up by the middle of the week. The point is: I will cuddle this boy on the couch as much as he will allow.

3. Carter's kids' birthday party is tomorrow, so tonight I had him decorate the treat bags he will give to everyone who comes. Grayson needed to get right in on that action, of course. It was fun, decorating the bags with my boys tonight. I waited for this all day and it was just as perfect as I hoped it would be.

Happy weekend, Friends.

DAY 62 - Thursday, November 24, 2016

Oh, people. Can someone please tell me that things -- that life -- will slow down? If it won't, just lie to me.

I had the day off with my monsters, who were part-angels, part-monsters. There is often no in between with my kids and today was definitely one of those days.

We had a ton of errands to run. I needed to get a few groceries and we needed to get some things done for Carter's "kid birthday party" on Saturday. Because his bday is Christmas Eve, he will never be able to have a birthday party with his friends on his actual birthday, so we do it about a month before. Me and my digressions. Anyway, because of that, we had a few more things to do.

Of course, as is the theme of my life, my to-do list is still heavy, but at least a lot of the to-do's are things to do at home, and there's something less chaotic about that. But, things will get done, or they won't, and everything will be okay. I'm learning this, but very slowly. I'm a quick learner, unless it's regarding life lessons, then I'm slower than molasses.

In spite of those, "holy eff" moments that cropped up throughout today, it was pretty damned good because...

1. In spite of the long list of things I knew I needed to get done (and was unlikely to complete), we still went to visit my dad and the boys at the shop today as Carter requested yesterday.

I was kind of back and forth on going because I knew that would eat up a good hour of our out-of-the-house time, and take away from some of the things that needed doing. On the other hand -- and the reason we went anyway -- these moments are the point of it all. Getting to do fun things (not just run errands and get groceries) with my boys was one of the reasons I wanted to work part-time. I knew that whatever didn't get done could get done later or Friday, or Saturday morning and, though that's not ideal, those things can wait, but taking opportunities for the boys to build up their memory banks of visiting NanaPe at the shop - that's more important.

So we went for lunch. And, though they were very busy there, and though Carter had a meltdown at one point, I'm so glad we did. I love the men in my life so much.

2. During the errands, the boys were actually really good. They allowed me to get everything on my list at the three places we went and that was not something I expected since, in order to get everywhere we needed to go, I skipped Grayson's nap. When he was grouchy, I knew that it was 100% my fault. You've got a 2-year-old at Walmart when he should be napping; this is on you, Amber.

3. I got them both haircuts today. They were in desperate need and now they look even more handsome than they usually do... and that's saying a lot. I 100% didn't want to do it, but I knew it needed to be done, so I kept the appointment and I'm glad I did. Now, hopefully, next week we can get to the mall for Santa pictures.

4. I went to a movie tonight with my brothers and some of Joel's friends.  We saw The Arrival and I very much enjoyed both it and the very brief, deep conversation that followed with Curt. Both the movie and the conversation left me contemplative, which is kind of crappy on a work night.

And now, it's 11:10 and I work tomorrow.

I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to this weekend. I will cuddle and play with and watch movies and do crafts with my boys and it will be glorious.

DAY 61 - Wednesday, November 23, 2016

The day's good bits:

1. I didn't work today, so it was just the boys and I. The day was still so busy, but the evening was not. As dumb as it sounds, it was nice to actually just hang out and do laundry and clean up and such. It's domesticity at it's finest. It's been far too long since we've had an evening like that. I needed one.

2. Captain Crunch. Delicious. And yes, I am 35.

3. Buying surprise flowers for my Mama and my little men. I love buying people flowers and I love those people, so I'd say I was the winner there :-)

G'night.

DAY 59 - Monday, November 21, 2016 & DAY 60 - Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Yesterday was not my day. Jeff and I were both tired. There were two overtired, whiney kids. The day was non-stop busy. But, today was a new day.

1. I missed my little guys and being at home today. I'm not going to lie, this is a bit surprising to me after how grouchy they were yesterday. Nonetheless, missing people feels good.

2. I am reminded so often that the family support I have in my life is unparalleled. I argued with myself about using that word because... unparalleled to what? To others' familial support systems? I can't really say that because I only have my family and no other point of comparison. But, I decided to use it anyway because they are really just exactly what I need, and how lucky am I to have that? Pretty lucky, I'd say.

3. Sleeping with the window open. The cool air makes me happy. And it makes me sleep better. That's one of the worst things about winter: not being able to open the window. It makes me feel too closed in, which gets my anxiety up in arms.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

How the heck is it already the 22nd? I don't know. Let's not talk about it.

I'm struggling in certain areas of my life lately. Again, for someone who talks about everything, I can't really talk about them on here. Maybe eventually. But not now. And, I'll say that everything is really quite okay. These are small stressors compared to what many others face. I am very lucky. First world problems.

A few things brought me a great deal of peace today, though, after a night and day of feeling that knotted stomach feeling that stress often brings with it. And, in no particular order, here they are:

1. Working on a 3D puzzle with Carter before bed tonight. I love this little boy so much. And I love puzzles. So working on puzzles with him is pretty much the best way to spend an evening.

2. Grayson loves Christmas lights. He announces "LIGHTS! LIGHTS!" every time we pass by a house with them (and this year, thanks to this kick ass weather, there are many). He also throws in an impressed, "OOOOoooooo". I need to try to get it on video, but it might be hard in the dark. I can't wait until closer to Christmas when we can do a driving tour and drive around to all of the best lit houses in the city.

3. Both boys seem so into Christmas this year. Carter is excited for Santa Clause and the new stocking we bought him. Grayson knows what a Christmas tree is (and points them out when he sees them), and (somehow) he knows who Santa Clause is too. He even knows the word Christmas. We will set up our tree this weekend, and I hope they both enjoy it as much as I think they will. (Expectations, Amber...)

I just feel like this year, we'll have two excited boys for Christmas and presents and playing with cousins. I waited years for Christmases like this. (Expectations, Amber...)

4. I had a long, hot bath tonight. It was lovely. Best decision of life. I may or may not have gotten in the bath with my bra on...

5. Brother Curtis took me out for lunch. I love that guy. He gives the best advice. Seriously. He's so logical, without being robotically unemotional. He's supportive, but will still tell you what you need to hear. He's just a wise person. He could put my therapist out of business... not that he'd want to.

And with that, it's 11:20 p.m. and, once again, I am in bed two hours later than I said I would be. Such is life.

DAY 58 - Sunday, November 20, 2016

In direct opposition to yesterday's post, I did not enjoy the hell out of today.

I could probably go on and on about why today was a shit day, but I'm not going to. I'm going to tell you the not-shitty parts of this day.

1. I took the boys to the Santa Clause Parade today. Gray has never been to one before and, though I thought he'd like it, I didn't know how well it would go. I didn't know how well behaved he would be and I didn't know if he would just whine the whole time, like he had for much of the day preceeding.

But it went pretty danged perfectly. He loved it. Both boys loved it. They waved at everyone and were so excited to see the floats. As I sat there, with Grayson on my lap, it was another one of those life-marker moments where I felt like this is exactly where I'm supposed to be at this moment. I always imagined taking my kids to parades like that, and there I was today. It was wonderful.

2. Venting to my wifey. I miss her. I don't see why Calgary has to be so danged far away :(

3. Putting the kids to bed. Next to the parade, that was the best moment of the day.

sigh

Let's try again tomorrow, yes? Yes.

DAY 57 - Saturday, November 19, 2016

I enjoyed the hell out of today. Here's why.

1. My little boys are seriously super effing cute. Like, super cute. Gray is just so smart already. He's stringing two to three words together. It's so crazy to realize that he knows words that I didn't think we taught him. When he calls my mom "Grandma" it's basically the cutest word I've ever heard anyone say. They are such sponges at this age.

Carter got to go to a movie with my parents this afternoon. What a lucky little boy to get his own afternoon date with his Mother (what he calls my mom) and NanaPe (what he calls my dad). I kept picturing them sitting there, Carter in the middle, snacking on their popcorn, sneaking peeks at their grandson to see how much he was enjoying the movie. He loved it, by the way.

2. Jeff and I had a day date. He dropped the kids off at my parents' at 11:00 and we had a double date with friends. We did one of those escape rooms (SO fun) (we didn't win, but we were really close) and then went out for lunch and a coffee. Then Jeff and I got groceries, ran some errands, tidied up the house, and went back to pick up the munchkins.

It was really nice to have some time to ourselves. It has been a while. Like... a long while. And it's pretty great to have a conversation without being interrupted a hundred times.

3. After we got the kids to bed, we started watching the new Ghostbusters, which I liked and Jeff hated (add this to the long list of things that Jeff dislikes). I gave him permission to bow out and go do something he actually enjoys, which he did, so it was just me. It was nice to sit together and watch a movie for a bit, and then it was nice to hang out with my own kick-ass self and watch a movie for a bit.

You'd think laughing alone would be sad; turns out, not so much.

DAY 56 - Friday, November 18, 2016

I am writing this on Saturday because I had zero desire to write a post yesterday. The day was good, but I was tired and after I got the kids to bed, I tidied the house up a bit and sat my butt on the couch. I have no regrets there at all.

So yesterday...

1. Jeff's office had a poker tournament last night. They do a whole-office tournament every year. Because he didn't get home until around 11:30 p.m., I was on my own with my little misters. My mom, who babysat the boys that day, was kind enough to have us over for supper, which saved me from having to prep supper and do the clean up at my house. In addition to making my evening easier, it was nice to visit with her and hang out there for a bit.

I really love my mom. She helps a lot with the boys and I hope she knows how much I/we appreciate it. Also, recently, I've gotten a new perspective on her and I appreciate even more what she does for us and have a renewed understanding of how much she loves her grandsons. I haven't told any of this to her yet (I did and do intend to), but she usually reads my blog, so she might end up seeing that here. The point is: I love her so very much and think the world of her as a grandma. <3

2. I'm not sure why, but this week felt really long, so I was very happy that it was Friday. I was also really looking forward to this weekend, spending time with Jeff and the kids, and enjoying the activities that we had planned.

3. Chocolate Chai Lattes. De-Freaking-Licious. Here's the deal: if you love chai lattes and you love chocolate, the next time you go to a coffee place, ask them to use chocolate milk instead of white milk to make your chai latte. Seriously. One more tip -- Stone's Throw by the university makes best ones in the city. You're welcome.

DAY 55 - Thursday, November 17, 2016

Short, cause I'm tired (weird, cause I never say that, right?!)

1. The boys had their last gymnastics class tonight until January. They love it and I am glad that they both enjoy it so much, but I'll be honest: I'm ready for the break.

2. Coffee with Barb at work today. She is wonderful and I love her. And she makes me laugh. And she has piercingly beautiful blue eyes.

3. Red Ross. You feel me? Yeah... you do.

DAY 54 - Wednesday, November 16, 2016 - We Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday...

(From yesterday)

And by party, I mean change diapers, play dinosaurs, read books, and cuddle my kids to the point of annoying them. Essentially, I spent the day as I spend every other day that I'm not at work: fully engaged in the act of Motherhood.

I was one of those kids who wanted to be "a Mom" when I grew up. I wanted a career too, but having kids was a no-brainer for me. So, spending "my" day playing Mom was the perfect.

I'm feeling pretty blessed on my 35th birthday.

1. Jeff sent me this long email today. Sometimes we do that in place of buying an actual card. We do this because cards are stupidly expensive and also because we both like reading what the other person writes so much more than what the card says. In short: we're cheap and emotionally expressive :-) Back to Jeff's email: it was basically a love letter. I honestly can't believe I got him sometimes. We are so right for each other. I 100% believe (and he's said the same to/about me) that if one of us passed away or went crazy and left the other, I would never find anyone that would live up to the kind of husband and father he's been, and I would never find someone I loved as madly as I do him. I am so freaking lucky. He is it.

2. It was my typical day off, so, as I said above, I was at home with my boys. Because I didn't see them for 3 full days when I was in Calgary, I was pretty danged excited about having a day at home with them. There was no better way to spend my birthday. Carter slept at my parents', so we just had Gray to get to bed. Jeff tried to be the book reader for the night, but Gray said, "No. Mama!" Having your child want you -- choose you -- is a compliment like nothing else. It feels like a checkmark from the universe.

3. Having supper and birthday cake with my family. Have I mentioned how much I love my core group? I'm sure I haven't. ;-)

I just felt really lucky all day. Somehow, I have all of these wonderful people around me who love me a lot and they aren't an ordinary kind of wonderful: they are an extraordinary kind of wonderful. They are the kind of people I would seek out and chain to my life if I could and yet, somehow, they are as "attracted" to my spirit as I am to theirs. There is some miracle in that, and this truth is never lost on me.

Thank you, to my family, my friends, you people in my life who nourish my soul. You are everything.

DAY 53 - Tuesday, November 15, 2016 - Back at Home & Back to Work

Today is the last day I'll be 34. That makes me sad. So let's not focus on how close to 40 I am getting and talk about the wonderful snippets in my day.

1. Picking up the kids from the babysitter's today made me happy. I was so happy to have an evening with my little fellas.

2. I did nothing productive tonight. I spent the entire time before the kids went to bed either playing with them or watching them play. And it was great. Have I mentioned how much I missed them?!

3. Sitting on the couch with Jeff after the kids were in bed to watch The Last Man on Earth, which still leaves me laughing uncontrollably and Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Today was a completely routine and boring day, but I loved it.

Off to bed. Night to you.

DAY 52 - Monday, November 14, 2016 - Finding the Joy

I started this post yesterday and then, again, for reasons that I can't really discuss here, the evening got a away from me. I was awake until after 1:00 a.m. It was a rough night, but things are okay. Having said that, let's focus on the glimpses of joy that yesterday brought.

 

1. As I left Calgary, I felt immensely grateful in so many ways. I felt grateful that I was able to spend that time with Krystal. It was a very healing weekend.

 

Just before I gave birth to Grayson in 2014, we had a break in our relationship that lasted about two years. I think we both believed we would not be friends again. But things happened, contact was made and here we are. I almost feel that we are closer this time because in that two years we learned a lot about ourselves and started working on our own person. Knowing what we are bringing into the relationship allows us to come into it with a clarity that I don't think we had the benefit of before. I think we have altered expectations of one another as compared to five years ago. And I also think that we will approach conflict differently.

 

She is my cousin, so we are family in a biological sense, but I've always felt that she's more my family by choice than by blood. The bond we have is intense and, in spite of a "break up" I honestly think we are connected at the soul and that, regardless of what our future looks like, we will always be in one another's lives and on one another's heart. She really is my soul sister.

 

I'm so grateful for Chris, who she is separated from. Their relationship is amazing. They co-parent in a way that benefits the kids: maturely and selflessly, which is how all parents should be with their kids. Unfortunately, more often than not, they are not an example of the norm. While her and I were in Banff shopping, he picked up a birthday cake for me. I am pretty sure that she asked him to do it, but he could have said no. I'm his ex wife's best friend and he still did that for her and me. And that's amazing. When I thanked him, he said, "You will always be family to me so it was easy to do that for you." Well, okay. #solucky

 

And I'm grateful that I ended up spending a decent amount of time with her kids. I know they aren't mine, but it felt a little like they were. Kessa is so grown up already and spending time with her felt like spending time with "the girls". Next time I go there, I'm hoping we can take her with us to a paint nite and go for pedicures. Calin reminds me so much of Carter. They are very alike. At one point, Krystal ran to the drug store to pick up some medication for him, so it was just him and me alone in the house. We were sitting on the couch and I was typing on my computer and he was sitting next to me. I put the computer on the coffee table and he actually cuddled into me just the way Carter does. I put my arm around him and he kind of leaned into my chest. It just about died. Kayleigh is sweet beyond what I can possibly express in words. She gives the best hugs and her shy little smile melts me on a constant basis.

 

I love them. Like a lot.

 

Spending time with them, all of them, actually made me feel like they are my other family. I've never had that before. It's so real and natural.

 

So Calgary: thank you. ❤

 

2. Getting home and kissing and hugging my own baby boys was amazing. I missed them terribly and being near them was the greatest relief for my soul. As I walked into the door, when Carter saw me he had the biggest smile, walked down a few stairs and jumped into my arms. We argued about who missed who more. Gray was in the bath and was happy, but not as excited as Carter, to see me. There were definitely a lot of "mama"'s for the remainder of the evening though. Being back with your kids after being away is the best feeling.

 

3. Husband kisses. 💋

DAY 51 - Sunday, November 13, 2016 - A Rough Day for Good Things

Today was really weird. And hard. I feel disillusioned with the my world. I feel as though nothing is what I thought it was. It sounds so dramatic, but it's a perfect account of how I feel. (Everyone is okay - safe and healthy, so don't panic.) But I'm not going to get into that right now.

I'm not in the most talkative or pleasant space, so this will be quick.

1. Kayleigh gave me the best hug today. She cuddled right into me and I rubbed her little back. It felt so good. She must have sensed I was a mom missing my own little people and knew I needed a little person hug. She's seriously just the sweetest little thing. I love her. I want to keep her.

2. Krystal and I went to Banff today. I have had the best weekend with her. I am so glad this trip worked out. It has been a very healing trip for both of us, I think, both as individuals and for our relationship. I think we both feel very lucky to have the other and that's something pretty amazing.

3. Krystal, Chris and the kids got me a birthday cake and a card, and Kessa made me hand lotion. They sang me happy birthday and everything. I got a group hug and lots of snuggles from the kids. It made me feel really special and I feel truly loved by this family. I feel a little like they are my family. I'm so lucky.

And tomorrow I get to see my little boys and my big boy. I pray I get home early enough to see the boys and put them to bed. To read them books and cuddle them. Wish me luck.

DAY 50 - Saturday, November 12, 2016 - Three Good Things

Yesterday's post was a pretty random collection of my thoughts and feelings: how my flights went; Rene (the woman I met on the flight); my really recent grapplings with my faith and belief system; and continued posts about my anxiety battle (which I feel, finally, is one I have the upper hand on). I am hoping to expand on a lot of those things in the coming posts over the next few days.

For now, these are the day's good things: 

1. Today, I got a long post written that detailed my flight experiences. It was one of the things on my "to-write" lists for blog posts. 

2. I got to go for breakfast today with Chris (Krystal's ex - they are still very good friends and an awesome co-parenting team) and the three kids. Krystal had an appointment that she couldn't miss. Breakfast was wonderful and the company was even better. I love her little people and, like everything else around me, it really, really made me miss my little people. I can't wait to get them together. 

3. After breakfast we came home and all hung out at the house, relaxing and chatting (about Trump, mostly) and it was so nice to sit and talk. It was the perfect way to spend the afternoon.

4. This evening, Krystal and I went to one of those Paint Night things. Neither of us had ever done it before and it was so fun. I wasn't sure how much I'd like it or how well I thought I would do, but we both really enjoyed it. It was relaxing and now that I've done one, I would be more than happy to do another one.

5. After the paint nite, we just came home and talked and talked and talked. It was wonderful. We've talked about so much over the past two days.  I am so grateful for and enjoying this time with her.

I still miss my boys like you wouldn't believe. I am excited that next time I am here they will likely be with me. I want to cuddle them and attack them with kisses, and smell their heads (weird, but true).

And with that it's time to sign off.

Night, Friends.

2 Flights: one whopping success & one that still haunts me the next day

So in this post, I talked about how proud I was that I actually got on the plane, instead of changing my mind at the last second and booking it off of that tin can. It was a major win for me over anxiety. I felt like a grown up. I did what real, normal, well-functioning people do all the time. Although, it occurred to me as I waited in line at security how many people are uncomfortable flying. I overheard one younger guy say to another, "so do you like flying?" You really only ask someone that question when you don't. So I knew I wan't alone.

As I boarded that plane my eyes were immediately searching for who was in the seat next to me. I hoped it was a woman. I guess I felt that I would be more comfortable with a woman. And it was. She looked about 45. Immediately I felt relief, though the anxiety was still trying to convince me to remove myself from this situation. I stowed my bag and sat down next to her. We started chatting and I told her almost right away that I was a nervous flyer. I was just uncomfortable in the air. I felt like she responded to that right away, talking to me and asking me questions to keep me calm and distracted. Even knowing that she would do what she could throughout the flight to keep me as calm as possible was a comfort. This was a person to whom I could say, "Can you hold my hand until the turbulence is done?" and she would and she wouldn't make me feel weird about having asked.

On the flight, we talked all of the usual, getting to know you talk. She told me about her three children, that she lives on a farm (but doesn't farm) in a small town outside of Regina. I told her about my boys and Jeff and what I do for work. Of course, we talked about my anxiety. She also told me about her husband who had passed away of Cancer two years before. He was in his late forties (I think he was 48). As we talked, we would circle back to certain topics, including the loss of her husband and, at one point, she started to cry. Then I started to cry. I'm pretty sure that the people around us thought we were crazy: strangers, talking non-stop about really personal things and then crying together. But, we didn't care.

It was evident to me that she was a woman of faith. She talked about how she was angry with God when her husband passed. She told me that her son was in Bible School, etc. As I said in yesterday's blog, I didn't tell her this then, and hope she doesn't think I was misrepresenting myself, but I talked about God some too, and said that in so many instances, it seems that when something we hope works out doesn't, it's because something better is waiting. (Not that I think this is true of death or loss -- that feels impossible to explain.)

One of the things that I told her was that somehow (by God? by fate? by nothing except defining something as true because we want it to be?), in life, these people are placed in our path. Pat was placed in my path. Provided to me at a time when (though I didn't know it) I would need the kind of support she could offer to me and vice versa. I have felt the same way about Krystal. There is some kind of connection that exists that feels deeper than either of us. And then, the same is true with Rene. I was so nervous about that flight. Seriously considering listening to the voice of my anxiety, and here, right when I needed a support person, the most perfect person for the job just happens to be in the seat next to me. So, what is that? I don't know. If it's God, I think him/her; if it's the universe or fate, I thank it. If it's the result of nothing, then I thank myself for searching and surveying the situation I was in to "use" what and who was around me to assist me in the struggle I was currently faced with.

Whatever it was, I felt so blessed that at the end of that flight, I truly wanted to cry. We exchanged phone numbers and blog addresses and within 15 minutes she texted me and I texted her back and added her as a contact in my phone. And there, was another gift from the universe. She's a wonderful person with a beautiful spirit and how lucky I felt to sit next to her for that hour and a half.

I felt so prepared and confident about my second flight. Excited even and ready to board it and get another flight under my belt and get to Calgary to see Krystal.

The flight itself was good. It was definitely more turbulent than the first one. It was another propeller plane. The exact same plane I was on the first time, actually. We were only flying at 16,000 feet, which meant we were just below the clouds. This made me a little more nervous, even though I initially liked the idea of not going up as high. But being lower made me think that turbulence would be more likely. The turbulence wasn't the problem with this flight though. The problem was what happened in the seats behind me.

Behind me sat a man -- about 50-55 maybe? And next to him (behind the man next to me) was a younger guy (22 I would guess) with a little boy. I would think the little guy was maybe about Grayson's age: probably two. The little guy kept kind of crying and fussing, which is normal for a two year old who is being made to sit still. Just as we were taking off, the little boy threw up onto the man directly behind me.

Now, we all know that vomit is my anxiety trigger and there was definitely part of me that was like, "OH MY GOD. IT'S RIGHT BEHIND MY SEAT!" Immediately, I pulled my bag, which was wedged under my seat, forward, although (TIM alert) I don't think it was a TON of puke and I don't think any got on the floor at all. The little guy threw up once more for sure that I know of and possibly more times than that - I suspect at least once more, but I don't know for sure.

How did my anxiety react to this? For sure, it altered me to the threat of catching whatever virus was making this poor little guy sick. I didn't think it was airsickness because, as the dad kept saying, "He's not a puker. He never does this." So, I believed that the little guy had flown before and didn't get airsick. I imagined all of the airborne bacteria landing on me and me breathing them in, contaminating me with the virus, so I pulled my hoodie up over my mouth. I did wonder if people around me (the man sitting next to me) found it odd, but 1) I didn't care because, you know, self-preservation, and 2) I thought they would assume it was the smell (which I couldn't smell, even when I took my face out of my hoodie to get some "fresh" air.

Exposure to vomit is a good thing, actually, so - though I did pull my hoodie up over my face, I didn't freak out, or anything even close to freaking out. I absolutely felt I'm getting so much better about being around puke and being totally okay with it -- which is a huge improvement on where I was years ago. This is a very, very good thing and an indication of my progress. At least, I think it is. The hurdle that I need to get over at this point is feeling terrified at being "contaminated" with whatever virus the vomiting individual has. So, it wasn't the kid getting sick that stressed me out or that continues to haunt me today. It was the way the dad handled it.

He actually seemed frustrated and borderline angry at the child. He kept saying, "Jesus Christ, Joey," like the kid did it on purpose. He also kept apologizing to the guy his son threw up on and then back to "Joey! Jesus Christ." First of all, asshole, there's no reason to ever use those words to a child, regardless of what they did. Second of all, he's TWO. He's a baby. He threw up. It's not like he was old enough to be able to understand what was happening and know what to do. Third of all, he's clearly not feeling well, he's stuck on an airplane (which is unpleasant even when you're not sick or scared of flying) and on top of that, his clothes are no wet (which is also going to be uncomfortable) since he got sick on himself. You know what you're supposed to do? You tell him, "it's okay, buddy" apologize to the guy next to you, tend to your kid and COMFORT him.

I just felt so bad for that little boy. It bothered me so much to know that this is how his dad deals with him when what he really needed was to be comforted. I actually almost started to cry on the plane. I wish I could have just kept that little boy. I felt grateful to know that Jeff or I would never react that way if we were in the same situation, and then sad again to know that there are other parents like this guy, and for every parent we see like this guy, there are X number of other parents who are the same way that we don't see.

Honestly, I just cannot express how sad the situation made me. The dad did start saying after a bit, "are you okay buddy?" to the little guy, in a more comforting tone, but I'm just haunted by the initial reaction and I'll never be able to unhear his words and his tone.

So, there you have it. My flight experience -- both made excellent and ruined by a good and bad human.

Ultimately, both flights felt like grand wins in the anxiety battle, I just wish I could forget about that little boy. I've wondered all day if he's feeling better. And I hope he got some really good cuddles... from someone.

DAY 49 - Friday, November 11, 2016

*This post is one I started this morning at the airport. I will post this in place of my three good things, but only because I feel like a lot of the things I talk about are good things.*

I am sitting in the Edmonton airport writing this post as I wait for my flight to Calgary.

I am weirdly full of emotion right now. I call it being emotionally saturated. It's a really good, warm feeling.

I'm really proud of myself for getting on the plane. I seriously considered turning around, calling my Dad and telling them that I would be catching a ride with them today. But I didn't. This is even more significant because it was a propeller plane. I've never been on one. It bears repeating: a propeller plane.

I met a woman, Rene, on the plane who will end up in my three good things list. I felt like I've known her forever. My neck hurts a little because I looked at her, and barely out the window like I normally do, because we talked the entire flight. Seriously. I don't think there was even one full minute of silence.

Her and I talked about God a lot. I didn't tell her this, and she will read this now, since I gave her my blog, but I have a very complicated relationship with faith. I have actually been wanting to write about this since Tuesday because at work on Tuesday, I went to Tuesday Time Out (I work for a Lutheran College on our University campus). I have never been to a Tuesday Time-Out and since I'm the social media person for the College's University (they also have a high school), I thought I should go to experience it; after all, I've now worked there for over a year. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was slightly more of a church service than I expected (not that this was a bad thing), but being there, really had me examining faith -- my faith in God. What do I believe anyway? I don't know.

And then, today, on the airplane, I sit next to this incredible woman who immediately put me at ease, She talked about her faith in God. after we hugged and parted ways, each off to our next flight, she said, "I'll pray for you," and it made me want to cry. I said I would do the same for her. Was it a lie? Will I actually pray to God? I don't know. But I will think about her. I will focus my time and mental energy as I consider her and her sudden presence in my life. And, before when I just believed that I didn't believe in God, I always felt that was the same. I would call it "sending love" or "sending good thoughts/comfort/strength". "You're in my thoughts" -- that idea holds energy, I think.

I am grateful that this next flight is only 40 minutes (not even) and that I've done the "harder" long flight first. I'm actually kind of looking forward to the next flight.

I feel grateful and like crying because in about 2 and a half hours I will see Krystal, who I at one time said I would never see again. I will see her kids. I wonder if they will remember me. I wonder if they will like me.

I feel grateful at my break from motherhood and that I have a husband who is at home with our sweet boys and encourages me to do something like this: to take a break. I feel grateful to know that they are safe and being loved and well-cared for and I know they will have fun with Dad. It is the first (of many, I'm sure) guys' weekends. I miss them terribly already though. I can hear Grayson's sweet "Mama" as he looks for me and I'm not there. I can hear Carter's cute little voice, asking questions or making suggestions about what we should do for the day. It breaks me up a little. I love those tiny men so very much.

As I sit here, in this airport, drinking my PSL and eating my gingerbread loaf from Starbucks, I actually feel proud of myself. Like I've accomplished something just by being here, by this window, looking up once in a while as the planes land and take off.

I had a panic attack on a plane once and I actually got off of it. I was flying alone, as I am today. I'm definitely still nervous when I fly with someone (so far in my life, it's only been Jeff, but someday soon, Pat and I will be planning a little escape just the two of us. And I'm sure that in time I will be taking a trip here and there with Krystal, and my mom, and Nicole, and my sister-in-law, Sarah.) But having someone there that I know is extremely comforting. Flying alone scares me more. The last time I flew alone was also the last time I got off of the plane.

It was years ago -- when Jeff and I were just dating. Eleven years ago, to be precise. I was extremely nervous as I boarded the plane. As I walked to my seat, I realized that I was at the very back which, for some reason, made my anxiety worse. I sat down and immediately started to freak out. I was texting Jeff, telling him I was freaking out, and I thought, "Eff it. I can't do this," and got up out of my seat to fight the people still boarding and coming in my direction to get to their seats. I remember thinking that I probably looked like a crazy person. I imagine that I looked panicked. Everyone was staring at me. I just wanted to get off that plane as quickly as humanly possible; I wanted to get off before they shut the door and locked me in. At least, that's how I felt.

I thought about that day as I walked down the walkway/hanger to get onto the airplane. I could hear my anxiety saying to me, "You know, you could turn around right now, before you even step foot on the plane. This flight was booked on Airmiles and it only cost just over $50 [airport fees, taxes, etc.] and your parents are going to Canmore today. You don't want to do this, so you don't have to. There is another option. Just turn around and call your dad. Catch a ride with them." I knew it was my anxiety and, as my therapist says to me, the volume on that radio station was pretty loud. As I got on the plane, it was still nattering away at me. "There's still time. You did it before. Just get up and walk off of this sky bullet. It's a propeller plane! That's going to be worse for turbulence. You should get off, Amber."

But I didn't. I got on. I knew I had to. I waited until I knew it was too late to get off and thought, "Okay, now you're committed and that's a good thing. This is an experience that you need to have. Once it's over, you'll have another success under your belt."

And I did. And the flight was great. It was easy, it was turbulence free and I met this wonderful woman.

****

And that was the end of my post. Though I haven't listed them, it's evident how many good things my day was comprised of :-)

The second flight wasn't as great, but that's a whole different story for another blog post.

DAY 48 - Thursday, November 10, 2016: Today's Good Things - Short and Sweet

This is going to be a quickie... and who doesn't like those. *ahem*

1. I'm packing my suitcase right after I hit post for my weekend trip to Calgary. I've only packed a suitcase for only myself one other time, so this is cool and super awesome.

2. I already feel dread at how much I will miss my boys. That's hard, and missing people sucks, but (as I've said about missing Jeff when he travels for work) it serves as a reminder that you have people in your life you love deeply; you have people in your life worth missing.

3. Watching Colbert on Youtube while doing laundry. I am both productive and entertained. Also, I love that man. I love that man a lot.

DAY 47 - Wednesday, November 9, 2016: Today's Good Things - Weekend Getaway; Beating Anxiety; and Loving Americans

Like so many other people, I woke up this morning thinking that yesterday's election was a bad dream. But it's not. It's an event that we will tell our kids about some day. Truthfully, I desperately want Trump to prove everyone (like me) wrong in his actions over the next four years, but I have little faith.

Good things today:

1. I started doing some laundry so that tomorrow I can pack for my trip to Calgary to see my Wifey this weekend. I'm excited to be with her -- to talk with her without one of us having to tell our kids to "put your penis away", to go to bookstores with her, to buy her Starbucks, to stay up late talking, to sleep in, to go for breakfast with her. I just really can't wait. She's my soul sister; she's my sister-in-spirit.

2.  I had a therapy appointment today. This was the first appointment that I went to where I truly felt that I have made significant progress in my anxiety and OCD. That feels amazing.

I really will write a blog post about how things are going sometime soon. I will be stuck on an airplane for a few hours on Friday morning, so maybe then :-)

3. There is so much anger, sadness, and hatred in the wake of this election. The division is frightening and devastating. But, as people come together to support, provide comfort, and figure out where the hell to go from here, something really beautiful is happening. I saw this photo on Twitter. This is what I'm talking about; this is the beauty to be found in this nightmare.

The way that people are uniting after this election parallels the way that people gather together in the face of a family crisis or death. The resulting deepening of existing relationships and creation of new, deep bonds is yet another parallel that can be drawn. Though I'm not American, I've personally experienced this myself and it's nothing short of incredible. We're all reacting and we're reacting together.

While I wish people weren't coming together to share love and support under such circumstances, there is beauty in the way people have united together in a type of protective huddle. They will feed off of one another's strength and move forward together. And right now, we need to look for beauty.

Goodnight, Friends.

DAY 46 - Tuesday, November 8, 2016: Today's Good Things

I started the post below (in italics) yesterday, on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. It would have been day 46 of writing out my good things for the day.

It was a busy day. I worked all day. Jeff and I went to pick up the kids. We came home, had supper, and I zipped off to supper with the most wonderful woman I've ever known. Then I came home and watched, in utter disbelief, the US election unfold. My heart just kept sinking and my stomach was nauseated. And I just couldn't write my good things.

Like everyone else who was engaged in this terrifying historical moment, I couldn't look away and I couldn't shift my focus to anything other than what was going on. Once I really realized that this was happening, I - again, like so many others - felt depressed, shell-shocked, scared, and just a deep level of sadness that I didn't know was possible as the result of a democratic political election. It didn't feel right to sit down and list the reasons why my day was good (even though maybe I should have? I don't know if I believe that...). It felt disrespectful to the events that were taking place at that moment.

I remember when my Uncle died, looking around at the world, which had a haze about it and feeling confused at how people just went about their day as though nothing had happened. The world as I knew it was completely changed, and these people just acted like it was an ordinary day. Eating breakfast, showering, getting ready for work, laughing with co-workers.... That was such a disconnect for me. I understood, of course, that for them, the world wasn't different: that was only the case for me, my family, and my Uncle's family, but it was a very alienating feeling that was extraordinarily difficult to process. And that's exactly how I felt yesterday and today.

The world can't just carry on as nothing happened. Because something happened.

I couldn't place this feeling I had about this election and it's results and an American friend of mine used the word "grief" in our conversation today. I thought, oh my god, that's it exactly. This is what she said:

"We are crushed. Going through the stages of grief on this one. It's so hard to comprehend how it has come to this.I am afraid for the future of my country. Please send all the positive thoughts. I have no words for how depressed we are. ... I've been grieving with American friends and family..."

Here we are today though. Hoping that this dangerously divided country is able to piece things back together and... unite (?) somehow. It's so hard to know what to say -- much like when someone loses a loved one.

I will continue to be grateful for all that I have and, in light of that, this is my beginning of the post from yesterday (in italics) and then the remainder of the post that I have now written (for yesterday) this evening.

I can't believe I'm on day 46 of posting my daily graces. I'm really enjoying doing it. Not only has it helped me to be less of a grouch-ass, I think it's also been a nice way to sort of document what's going on in my day. It's become something of a diary that I allow people to read. The hard parts make it in too, not just the good stuff, so it feels pretty real to me. This blog has really become exactly what I hoped it would.

I will go ahead and make that good thing number 1.

2. The fact that I live in Canada has to be on the list after this day's end.

3. Having supper with my beautiful friend. She makes me believe that we are fated to have some people in our lives and that some of those people (very few) will make it throughout the entirety of our lives with us. She is one of those people for me. I love her so much more than I can express. She is happy for my successes; she is my cheerleader and biggest fan; she loves me despite my many faults and mistakes; she is my support; she always gives the exact right advice (how does she always have the right words??); and she is just as vulnerable with me.

I love you more, Pat Hanley. Thank you for being one of these rare people in my life.

DAY 45 - Monday, November 7, 2016: Today's Good Things

This is going to be a quick one, ya'll. Short and sweet - just as I never am.

1. Spending the day at home with my boys was perfection. They were both happy, well-behaved little fellas and I was so grateful that I was able to have one "buffer" day at home with them before having to get them up early and haul them off to the babysitter's.

2. The fact that it's November 7 today and we were outside with long-sleeved shirts and sweaters -- not jackets: sweaters. Insane and I freakin' love it.

3. I finally booked the bowling lanes for Carter's bday party and it looks like all of the "friends" on his list can make it, which is fantastic. I just can't believe that my first baby is going to be five. How. Just how?

4. At night, as I walk out of Carter's room, I say, "I love you," and the way his sweet, little voice says, "I love you" back is music to my soul.

DAY 44 - Sunday, November 6, 2016: Today's Good Things -- Peace Out, Winnipeg

I started this post in the truck on the way home. I usually post at night because I don't want to miss the potential good things that await me at the end of my day. Half the time, though, I try to start them earlier in the day and add to them when I have time.

The day went well and here's why.

1. The fact that I can tether my phone to my laptop and be on the interwebs while driving on the highway is cray. Our kids will grow up experiencing long road trips so much differently than my generation did as kids.

2. The tip was a success. As I talked about in my post yesterday, I felt like this trip signaled progress in how we travel with the kids. Overall, it was just easier. They both slept until 8:00 a.m. (Regina time) every morning instead of Gray's usual baby trick of waking up at oh, I don't know, 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. It was easy and convenient for the boys to have their own room, which they both slept in together. Both days, Gray's naps were good. He didn't even cry when I laid him down. They both enjoyed the pool which we went to three times. They both had a good time at the zoo and, rather than getting there and doing the why the hell did we think this was a good idea? we had a great time -- and it was a great idea.

This trip felt like a bit of an evolution in our family trips and that is a very, very good thing. It should count as two good things really.

3. Despite how tired the boys were with late nights and moderate sleep-ins that in no way would have made up for the busy days and late nights, they were so good on the drive home. There were a couple times where Grayson wanted out of his seat and kicked up a pretty good stink, but those little tantrums never lasted too long and we took breaks to ease up the long drive. Overall, I'd say they were both great in the car and are great little travellers.

I'm looking forward to going to Calgary and Edmonton with them next summer :)

4. The cleaners came on Saturday, so we walked into a nice, clean house! Don't worry: the boys will remedy that tomorrow.

5. Being in my own home, in my own bed. Nothing beats this. I am looking forward to sleeping right next to my Mr. Chomps tonight too!

There's a part of me that is sad that the trip is over. Like with almost anything that you look forward to and plan for and build up excitement about, when it's over, I always feel deflated and a sense of "now what"? But in the interests of living in the moment, I will enjoy my day off with my little guys tomorrow. I will enjoy unpacking and organizing the house and spending time outside and the weather. And, rather than being sad because it's over, I will be grateful because it happened.

And with that, the day is over. Though the day was pretty good, my night was not and I am more than prepared to sleep off this bad mood and try again tomorrow.

DAY 43 - Saturday, November 5, 2016: I've Fallen in Love + Some Good Things

Life with kids -- and with me -- is always just an adventure.

On the drive to Winnipeg on Thursday, I went online and booked the boys' haircuts at Sharkey's Cuts for Kids for today at 11:00 a.m. We don't have a kids hair cutting place in Regina at all and I thought the boys would love to get a haircut in a place that caters specifically to kids. I wanted to get pictures of them in those cute little car or airplane chairs (or whatever they chose/got). They both need haircuts anyway, plus, Jeff has never been with them when they got haircuts before because I always book them during the week on one of my days off. So, it was a perfect opportunity, I thought. 

I booked the online appointment and this morning the plan was to get up and head down to the hotel restaurant for brunch, which was only $10.99 per adult at the buffet. Cheap! That's how much you pay for one plate at a restaurant. I was craving pancakes like no other. But, Carter slept in until 10:00 a.m. Winnipeg time (9:00 a.m. Regina time), so we knew we really wouldn't have time for a sit-down breakie. So we packed up, grabbed McDinks (yes, I said that) for breakfast on our way to the hair cutting place and got there, only to be told that they didn't have a record of our appointment.

"Hold on," I say. "Let me just check my confirmation email." Yeah. I booked it for Ottawa. OTTAWA. Not sure if ya'll know this or not, yet, but turns out we are in WINNIPEG and - here's the real kicker - Ottawa and Winnipeg are NOT THE SAME.

I was so annoyed at myself for not paying enough attention and booking in the wrong province. I don't know why in the moment it felt like such a big deal, but it did. I felt totally deflated and that kind of disappointed that is tinged with the "are you fucking kidding me" kind of anger that also makes you want to cry, but you just can't will the tears to flow in that moment.

The plan after haircuts was to head to the zoo, so off we went. I was in such a shitty mood, though, that I was Mrs. Happy Pants with my, "I don't care what we do" attitude. We got there, parked, and began our adventure. That experience immediately turned my mood around. It was such a perfect way to spend the day. We were there for three hours so everyone's feet and legs were good and done for by the end (especially Jeff's and mine since we both carried Grayson for a good chunk of it).

The kids and I absolutely loved it. I might have loved it the most out of the four of us though :) The weather was amazing, especially considering that it is November 5, I loved looking for the animals with the kids, and they had a lot of really cool features, like a small walk-through aquarium that the boys really loved - especially Gray who loves fish. Some of the cages were empty; maybe 20% (Jeff says 30%), which I attribute to being kind of in between seasons. It didn't really bug me though, to be honest, because they just had so many other things that were fun and interesting.

One of the exhibits that was closed was the dinosaur exhibit. It looks like they have huge dinos in one section of the park. Grayson would have been in toddler heaven for sure. We will absolutely be planning a trip back in the summer and I'm hoping we can convince my whole family to come as a quick little weekend getaway. I really want my parents and brothers and sissy-in-law to be able to be a part of that experience for the boys. Seeing that kid excitement is pretty incredible and since Saskatoon has a zoo and an amusement park, Jeff's mom gets to see that often, since we will also do that one in Saskatoon, where she lives, every summer -- but my dad, for example, has never been with the boys to the zoo. Seeing them get excited and watching Carter run up to the cage and start trying to find whatever is inside is awesome. Watching Grayson make owl "who" sounds and saying and waving goodbye to the owl is just not something that a video or photos can ever really do justice.

We browsed the gift shop on our way out and each kid got to pick a toy. Grayson picked this huge dinosaur that he fell in love with and Carter picked this cute turtle purse. I was actually the one that saw the purse and said, "Hey, Carter. This is neat!" and then he was all, "Okay, maybe we should buy it." This was something I sort of "set up" for two reasons:

1. He had picked this teddy bear barn thing that was $40 which seemed overpriced for what it was AND we don't really want the boys getting more teddy bears because they never play with them and we already probably have about 50 and;

2. He has this little Paw Patrol pencil case (well, it is kind of big for a pencil case, I suppose) that he refers to as his purse. He puts his money in there and some small toy that he thinks he should bring to wherever it was that we are going, and a lip chap, etc. The problem with this damned purse is that a few minutes into wherever we are, he inevitably hands it to me and -- the sucker I am -- I end up carrying it, or trying to find a place for it, for the rest of our trip. This little turtle purse is an over the shoulder bag. Ha! Now you can carry your own damned purse, Carter! #Winning

God, I'm smart sometimes. Not all of the times, but when I am, I really take it home.

After the zoo, we headed back to the hotel for lunch and a nap. We stopped at Starbucks on the way, cause Jeff loves me ;-)

Gray had a great nap, Jeff had a catnap too. Carter had quiet time and played on either the iPad or his tablet, and I putzed around on my laptop and harassed people in my Facebook and Instagram life with far too many photos of my kids at the zoo.

After Gray got up we headed down to the Forks and had supper at the Market there. So cool. It made me wish that we lived here, because it would make for the perfect date night. After we ate, we walked around outside for a bit with the kids, headed back to the hotel and went to the pool for about half an hour before heading back up and getting the kids to bed.

This was such a great day. Really - the perfect day. And that brings me to now. It's nearly midnight and I am just now getting to writing out my "three good things." It's apparent, from the description of our day above that there are a lot more than just three, but I do want to say a couple of things.

1. Winnipeg was just not what I expected. I didn't expect to really like it, but I've fallen in love with it, really. I wish we had more time to explore, but I know that as we come back, and as the kids get older, doing that will be easier. I think it's so interesting how often in life we make judgments (on people, on places, on things we will assume we like, or not, etc.) without complete information and, often, those things turn out to be so completely different than our initial impression. You think we humans would learn our lesson and stop judging. Alas, that is unlikely to be so,

The point of number one is that Winnipeg has turned out to be the most pleasant of surprises.

2. There have been parts of this trip that have just been really, really hard. But this has also been the best, "easiest" trip we have taken with the kids. The boys are starting to get to an age, already, where travelling is just easier to do. Things are still a challenge with Grayson sometimes, since he eats like total ass and does still need to take a nap, but, honestly, this trip has given me a glimpse into what travelling with the boys as "kids" is/will be like. And that's pretty effing awesome.

3. The last time we were at a zoo was in July. In that short period of time (3.5 months), this trip has made it evident how much the boys have grown. Their reaction to the zoo this time was just different; they were both much more interested and engaged. This time, for the first time ever, it really felt like I was at being a "tourist" with my family; I was at the zoo with my kids. It was one of the best feelings. And it made me realize that every time we go, it's just going to get more and more like this -- easier, and like an experience that we are having together, instead of an experience that they sort of enjoy, but is mostly just a shit ton of work for Jeff and I.

4. At the pool tonight, Jeff would go down the water slide first and then Carter would follow him. Gray and I would stand in the pool and wait for Dad and brother to come down. When he would see Jeff come out, he got all excited and would start yelling, "dad! dad!". Then Jeff would wait at the bottom to catch Carter and when Carter would come out and Jeff would catch him, Grayson's reaction was so great, I'll have trouble conveying how awesome it was. He got so excited. He would kick his legs, and wave his arms like a wild man, while also laughing and wearing the biggest smile I've ever seen him have. He seemed incapable of containing his excitement. It was pretty sweet.

I think that part of it was that every time Carter would come around that final water slide curve and into our view, he was laughing and giving the biggest grin ever. He was absolutely loving it - having a complete blast and I think seeing Carter excited made Grayson excited.

How much fun they both had at the pool was just a really great thing. This was the first time that we have gone to the pool as a family at a hotel like this and just really had a seriously good time. Again, it feels like a shift in our family. It feels like a glimpse into what future weekend getaways will be like with our boys and my heart is happy just thinking about it.

And now, I must go to sleep. We have a busy day tomorrow before we hit the highway and head home.

I hope you felt as much love in your life today as I did in mine.

(P.S., I tried to add photos, but it wasn't working. LAME.)

DAY 41 - Thursday, November 3, 2016: Lots of Good Things & Anxiety Wins

Today, we packed up my parents' big truck and headed to Winnipeg with our little crew.

1. Normally when we leave the house for a trip away, even a short one like this, I want the house to be super clean. It feels so nice to come back to a nice, clean house. But this time, we left the house pretty dirty. It's tidy in that everything is (mostly) put away, with the exception of the kids' toys. We left it this way because our cleaners are coming for the first time on Saturday morning. I'm super pumped to come home to a super clean, dusted, spotless house.

We are having cleaners come in every two weeks. I just find it really hard to get stuff done around the house with the kids home -- well, more specifically, Grayson. Grayson is one of those babies who is much better behaved for pretty much anyone but me or his Dad. Even this morning, as we were both running around frantically, trying to get things done, Jeff said at one point, "God, I get five minutes into doing every thing I try to do..." Yup. That's how I feel 'erryday when I'm home with the kids.

True, we could clean on weekends, but then it turns into one of us on "kid duty" while the other ignores family and/or relax time to clean. And isn't the point of weekends to spend time with your family or to decompress? I don't want to get all the way to the weekend to spend it cleaning, to be honest. And the reality is, if we can afford it, why not have someone we trust come in and completely remove that kind of housework from our to-do list?

We've thrown the idea of hiring someone to come in and clean for a long time and I resisted it. But, I just can't do all of the things. And when I do, I have zero time for myself, so fuck that. Now that we've taken the plunge and decided to hire out and give this a try, I'm really excited about it. Maybe it won't be something I even like. Or maybe it'll be something that makes me wonder why the hell I resisted it for so long. We shall see.

2. The boys were both so good on the drive to Winnipeg today. Gray definitely had a few time periods in the day where he was a challenge and just wanted out of his car seat. So, there were some harry moments, but they passed and he did pretty well. I expected him (and Carter actually) to nap on the road here; neither did though. So given how tired my little guy would have been, it's totally expected that he'd have a few flip outs.

For the last flip out, I knew he was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. He kept saying "home" and crying. It made me feel so bad. At this point it was past his bedtime, and that makes any kid tired, never mind the kid who also missed his usual two hour nap, so I ended up hopping in the middle seat in the back and reading the boys books. He calmed right down and, once I turned off our little light, he actually fell asleep.

Sitting in the back seat, reading my little guys books while Dad drove, I felt like this was another one of those moments in my life I've waited forever for. I felt really lucky -- probably because I am really lucky.

3. When we got to our hotel room, Carter was so excited. Jeff rented a castle-themed hotel room, hoping that Carter would love it and love it he did. I mean, come on... it is pretty cool though! When I took his picture, he said, "I'm king of the railway!" LOL  He loves trains and says he's going to "be a train" when he grows up. I'm pretty sure he means he will drive the train, but he's four, so who the eff knows. Either way, who am I to crush a dream :-)

DAY 40 - Wednesday, November 2, 2016: Lots of Good Things & Anxiety Wins

I am pooped out, folks and I still have a shit ton of stuff to do before bed. Such is life as a grown up, I suppose, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Today was a gooder though. Here's why:

1. Carter did so well at speech therapy. I watch him play games with the therapist and mostly just let them do their thing because I don't want to sidetrack anything for her, though I play the games when he wants me too. I watch his cute little face the whole time and I just love him so much. It's so crazy how much love you are capable of having for someone. I love it. I love the love.

2. Uncle Curt came over for a quick, surprise visit and Grayson actually squealed when he walked in. So stinkin' funny. I asked Curt who else reacts that way when he walks into a room. Turns out that's a small list: just his dog, Eugene, and (of course) Jerry. (hehe)

3. I got some errands done today -- you know, those ones that you keep meaning to do, but never actually doing. Yeah, those ones.

4. Carter told me tonight that Grayson is his best friend. He just told me that out of the blue. I wasn't asking about his best friends or anything. *sigh*

5. Looking through Paint Nite options for next weekend in Calgary. Cause I'll be in Calgary with my Soul Sister. Oh yes.

6. Reading books to my boys tonight, with my baby Gray curled up on my lap. Heaven on Earth right there. 

Anxiety Wins:

1. Letting Carter hold the hand rail as he walked up the stairs to speech therapy instead of getting him to hold my hand. (I realize that if I allow my anxiety to run the show on things like this I will completely screw up my kids. I could actually create people who have a phobia of germs that is debilitating in a way so much worse than mine/my anxiety is. And that's really scary to me. Though, my therapist says to use that as motivation to be and get better, instead of framing it negatively which would give room for feelings of guilt and or worry.)

2. Letting Carter come into the bank with me and play with the little section of kids' toys that they have there.

#WINNING #BOOYEAH

DAY 39 - Tuesday, November 1, 2016: Three Good Things & Anxiety Win

 Let's be fast, shall we?

1. I cleaned my office today. Like CLEANED it. Working in it felt glorious.

2. My mom picked up Carter from preschool today and drove him to the sitter's, but first they had a lunch and shopping date. It was his idea (haha) and he loves his lunch dates with her. Melts my heart, thinking of just them at together at lunch. Also, she bought him the cutest DC shoes today. Lucky kid!

3. Carter slept over at my parents' tonight. He hasn't stayed over in quite a while and was pretty excited about it. I was happy that he was happy and, since I put Grayson to bed early, I had the whole evening to myself. Jeff had a work supper, so it was just me and 2 episodes of Survivor. And ice cream. And chips. Okay. Never you mind.

Anxiety Win:
Not checking on Grayson before going to bed. Seriously, that's a win. I don't do it every night, but I do it often enough and unless he's actually sick with a fever or something, checking on him when he hasn't cried or fussed and is sleeping (we have a camera monitor in his room) is just strange.