I started the post below (in italics) yesterday, on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. It would have been day 46 of writing out my good things for the day.
It was a busy day. I worked all day. Jeff and I went to pick up the kids. We came home, had supper, and I zipped off to supper with the most wonderful woman I've ever known. Then I came home and watched, in utter disbelief, the US election unfold. My heart just kept sinking and my stomach was nauseated. And I just couldn't write my good things.
Like everyone else who was engaged in this terrifying historical moment, I couldn't look away and I couldn't shift my focus to anything other than what was going on. Once I really realized that this was happening, I - again, like so many others - felt depressed, shell-shocked, scared, and just a deep level of sadness that I didn't know was possible as the result of a democratic political election. It didn't feel right to sit down and list the reasons why my day was good (even though maybe I should have? I don't know if I believe that...). It felt disrespectful to the events that were taking place at that moment.
I remember when my Uncle died, looking around at the world, which had a haze about it and feeling confused at how people just went about their day as though nothing had happened. The world as I knew it was completely changed, and these people just acted like it was an ordinary day. Eating breakfast, showering, getting ready for work, laughing with co-workers.... That was such a disconnect for me. I understood, of course, that for them, the world wasn't different: that was only the case for me, my family, and my Uncle's family, but it was a very alienating feeling that was extraordinarily difficult to process. And that's exactly how I felt yesterday and today.
The world can't just carry on as nothing happened. Because something happened.
I couldn't place this feeling I had about this election and it's results and an American friend of mine used the word "grief" in our conversation today. I thought, oh my god, that's it exactly. This is what she said:
"We are crushed. Going through the stages of grief on this one. It's so hard to comprehend how it has come to this.I am afraid for the future of my country. Please send all the positive thoughts. I have no words for how depressed we are. ... I've been grieving with American friends and family..."
Here we are today though. Hoping that this dangerously divided country is able to piece things back together and... unite (?) somehow. It's so hard to know what to say -- much like when someone loses a loved one.
I will continue to be grateful for all that I have and, in light of that, this is my beginning of the post from yesterday (in italics) and then the remainder of the post that I have now written (for yesterday) this evening.
I can't believe I'm on day 46 of posting my daily graces. I'm really enjoying doing it. Not only has it helped me to be less of a grouch-ass, I think it's also been a nice way to sort of document what's going on in my day. It's become something of a diary that I allow people to read. The hard parts make it in too, not just the good stuff, so it feels pretty real to me. This blog has really become exactly what I hoped it would.
I will go ahead and make that good thing number 1.
2. The fact that I live in Canada has to be on the list after this day's end.
3. Having supper with my beautiful friend. She makes me believe that we are fated to have some people in our lives and that some of those people (very few) will make it throughout the entirety of our lives with us. She is one of those people for me. I love her so much more than I can express. She is happy for my successes; she is my cheerleader and biggest fan; she loves me despite my many faults and mistakes; she is my support; she always gives the exact right advice (how does she always have the right words??); and she is just as vulnerable with me.
I love you more, Pat Hanley. Thank you for being one of these rare people in my life.
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