*This post is one I started this morning at the airport. I will post this in place of my three good things, but only because I feel like a lot of the things I talk about are good things.*
I am sitting in the Edmonton airport writing this post as I wait for my flight to Calgary.
I am weirdly full of emotion right now. I call it being emotionally saturated. It's a really good, warm feeling.
I'm really proud of myself for getting on the plane. I seriously considered turning around, calling my Dad and telling them that I would be catching a ride with them today. But I didn't. This is even more significant because it was a propeller plane. I've never been on one. It bears repeating: a propeller plane.
I met a woman, Rene, on the plane who will end up in my three good things list. I felt like I've known her forever. My neck hurts a little because I looked at her, and barely out the window like I normally do, because we talked the entire flight. Seriously. I don't think there was even one full minute of silence.
Her and I talked about God a lot. I didn't tell her this, and she will read this now, since I gave her my blog, but I have a very complicated relationship with faith. I have actually been wanting to write about this since Tuesday because at work on Tuesday, I went to Tuesday Time Out (I work for a Lutheran College on our University campus). I have never been to a Tuesday Time-Out and since I'm the social media person for the College's University (they also have a high school), I thought I should go to experience it; after all, I've now worked there for over a year. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was slightly more of a church service than I expected (not that this was a bad thing), but being there, really had me examining faith -- my faith in God. What do I believe anyway? I don't know.
And then, today, on the airplane, I sit next to this incredible woman who immediately put me at ease, She talked about her faith in God. after we hugged and parted ways, each off to our next flight, she said, "I'll pray for you," and it made me want to cry. I said I would do the same for her. Was it a lie? Will I actually pray to God? I don't know. But I will think about her. I will focus my time and mental energy as I consider her and her sudden presence in my life. And, before when I just believed that I didn't believe in God, I always felt that was the same. I would call it "sending love" or "sending good thoughts/comfort/strength". "You're in my thoughts" -- that idea holds energy, I think.
I am grateful that this next flight is only 40 minutes (not even) and that I've done the "harder" long flight first. I'm actually kind of looking forward to the next flight.
I feel grateful and like crying because in about 2 and a half hours I will see Krystal, who I at one time said I would never see again. I will see her kids. I wonder if they will remember me. I wonder if they will like me.
I feel grateful at my break from motherhood and that I have a husband who is at home with our sweet boys and encourages me to do something like this: to take a break. I feel grateful to know that they are safe and being loved and well-cared for and I know they will have fun with Dad. It is the first (of many, I'm sure) guys' weekends. I miss them terribly already though. I can hear Grayson's sweet "Mama" as he looks for me and I'm not there. I can hear Carter's cute little voice, asking questions or making suggestions about what we should do for the day. It breaks me up a little. I love those tiny men so very much.
As I sit here, in this airport, drinking my PSL and eating my gingerbread loaf from Starbucks, I actually feel proud of myself. Like I've accomplished something just by being here, by this window, looking up once in a while as the planes land and take off.
I had a panic attack on a plane once and I actually got off of it. I was flying alone, as I am today. I'm definitely still nervous when I fly with someone (so far in my life, it's only been Jeff, but someday soon, Pat and I will be planning a little escape just the two of us. And I'm sure that in time I will be taking a trip here and there with Krystal, and my mom, and Nicole, and my sister-in-law, Sarah.) But having someone there that I know is extremely comforting. Flying alone scares me more. The last time I flew alone was also the last time I got off of the plane.
It was years ago -- when Jeff and I were just dating. Eleven years ago, to be precise. I was extremely nervous as I boarded the plane. As I walked to my seat, I realized that I was at the very back which, for some reason, made my anxiety worse. I sat down and immediately started to freak out. I was texting Jeff, telling him I was freaking out, and I thought, "Eff it. I can't do this," and got up out of my seat to fight the people still boarding and coming in my direction to get to their seats. I remember thinking that I probably looked like a crazy person. I imagine that I looked panicked. Everyone was staring at me. I just wanted to get off that plane as quickly as humanly possible; I wanted to get off before they shut the door and locked me in. At least, that's how I felt.
I thought about that day as I walked down the walkway/hanger to get onto the airplane. I could hear my anxiety saying to me, "You know, you could turn around right now, before you even step foot on the plane. This flight was booked on Airmiles and it only cost just over $50 [airport fees, taxes, etc.] and your parents are going to Canmore today. You don't want to do this, so you don't have to. There is another option. Just turn around and call your dad. Catch a ride with them." I knew it was my anxiety and, as my therapist says to me, the volume on that radio station was pretty loud. As I got on the plane, it was still nattering away at me. "There's still time. You did it before. Just get up and walk off of this sky bullet. It's a propeller plane! That's going to be worse for turbulence. You should get off, Amber."
But I didn't. I got on. I knew I had to. I waited until I knew it was too late to get off and thought, "Okay, now you're committed and that's a good thing. This is an experience that you need to have. Once it's over, you'll have another success under your belt."
And I did. And the flight was great. It was easy, it was turbulence free and I met this wonderful woman.
****
And that was the end of my post. Though I haven't listed them, it's evident how many good things my day was comprised of :-)
The second flight wasn't as great, but that's a whole different story for another blog post.
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