DAY 38 - Monday, October 31, 2016: Three Good Things & Anxiety Win

Once again it's 11:46 and my alarm is set to go off at 6:00. This very unhealthy sleep cycle (as in lack of sleep) has to stop. Now to actually do that instead of just talking about it.

1. Today we went trick-or-treating with our two boys. Watching them run down the sidewalk, Grayson's lion's mane bouncing with his movement, and Carter who would get up to the door, knock and then jump up and down while he waited because he couldn't contain his excitement, was pretty awesome. It felt like this: "Yup. This is what I signed up for. This is exactly one of those moments I've always wanted. And I'm living it -- right now." I just felt really lucky.

2. Both boys cried when we left them at the sitter today. That was hard. My heart broke a little and I wished I could have stayed home all day with them and cuddled and played games. I am so grateful that we are in a position where I am able to work part-time. That gives me those at-home, cuddle days and the days that I don't have them make me so much more grateful when they come.

Also, I missed my little guys terribly today. Much worse than normal. Missing people is a double-edged sword because it's painful to long for someone. But longing for someone serves as a reminder of the depth of your love for them. And I'm grateful for that too -- for the love.

3. Venting to my soul sister today. Cause I know she gets me like that.

4. Having a completely hilarious group conversation over Facebook with my family. These people are hilarious and I love them beyond all the things.

Anxiety Win:
Becoming more and more relaxed about how I eat food at work. I still find it so hard to eat anything with my hands, but there's no way around it, really, and it's a pain in the ass to figure out a way to eat a freaking sandwich without your hands. But it is cold and flu season, so I feel like I'm playing with fire. Even saying that freaks me out. I feel like just by saying it, I'm jinxing myself.

Oh lord, these problems run deep, people.

I hope you had a happy Halloween, if you celebrate that sort of thing :-)

DAY 36 & 37 - Saturday, October 29, 2016 & Sunday, October 30: The Days' Good Things & Anxiety Wins

I completely forgot to do my three good things yesterday. Eeeeee! I actually completely spaced on them. That was the first time I've just blanked on them altogether. So now I have to remember what was good about yesterday. If you know me (and my memory) you know this is a challenge. True story.

But, here's what I can recall:

1. Having my brother, Curt, over for brunch. He comes over often for a weekend day brunch and we chat life and politics and he plays with the boys. I'm pretty sure that I've had this as one of my good things before and I can pretty much guarantee that it will show up in my good things again in the future. I don't consider re-using the same events over as cheating though, because it happens often and it's something I very much look forward to and is always a bright spot in my day, in my week, and in my life.

2. On Saturday, we had a really low-key day at home. Friday was busy -- amazing, but busy -- so Saturday was nice. We did a lot of relaxing. Grayson napped for three hours (!), I laid on the couch while he napped, and Carter half watched tv with me and half played video games with his dad (yes, parents of the year, for sure). And there was a lot of just playing with Gray's new toys. It was a lovely day.

3. Doing a puzzle with my Mother-In-Law. It was so nice to cozy in on a Saturday night and work on a puzzle with her. We've had our issues in the past, but we definitely connect on some things - some things that I don't even connect on with my own mom: we both do puzzles, we both like crappy reality TV, she would come to yoga with me, or for a pedicure. On top of that nice connection, it really was just my perfect idea of how to spend a Saturday night.

Anxiety Win: 
At Swimming lessons, Carter always wants to get one of those candies from the 25 cent candy machines. I hate it when he gets those because I want to wash his hands before he eats anything with them, especially when we're out in public. I do think that, in general, that's a good practice to continue, but sometimes, it's just not practical. After his lesson, he was out with Jeff's mom and he had candy. I very badly wanted to ask her if she washed his hands (which I know she wouldn't have). But I didn't and I just let it go. LET IT GO.

DAY 37 - Sunday, October 30, 2016

1. We had a mini party for Grayson's birthday again today. It was his "kid" party. It was super low-key and felt more like a play-date than a birthday party. It was perfect.

2. That smell of fresh-out-of-the-dryer laundry. SO good. Also, I got a shit-ton of laundry done today.

3. We carved our pumpkins today. So late, I know. But it was fun and the kids enjoyed it. Grayson especially loved blowing out the candle: not helpful, but very cute.

Anxiety Win: 
Not always immediately washing my hands before eating any food with said hands. Even when I'm home, I'm pretty anal about this, but I'm trying to let that go a bit. It's hard.

DAY 35 - Friday, October 28, 2016: Today's Good Things & An Anxiety Win

Friday, October 28, 2016. At 6:09 p.m. my beautiful baby boy turned into a two year old. 

1. At 6:09 p.m. my Grayson James was surrounded by family and so much love. 

This year we had a much smaller party that we typically have. We usually have pretty much everyone on my mom's side. It ends up being about twenty-five people crammed into our house. I just didn't feel up to that this year, so we just had the family he's closest to. He was so happy having some of his very favourite people here, namely: NanaPe (Grandpa), Amma (Grandma) and his Uncles (Uncle Curt and Uncle Joel). 

I just felt like it was a near perfect night. He was so happy and I just feel that he is so loved. And this makes me feel that he had the most wonderful birthday.

2. Grayson loved opening presents and that was so fun to watch. Carter still didn't care by the time he was two and then he only barely cared by the time he was three. He did care at his fourth birthday, but still not as much as I had expected him to. I think this year will be his year. But, Grayson sure thought it was the bees knees. He kept yelling "help" when he couldn't get it open and then he would say, "pull, pull, pull" because we all kept telling him to pull the paper. He was a man on a mission, that's for sure.

3. Carter helped us decorate. I felt like he was pretty excited about throwing Grayson a party and it felt like something we were all doing together. He had some rough points in the night for sure. I think  how tired he was showed, but that's okay when you're only almost five. He mostly had fun playing with the new toys Grayson got and with everyone here.

Anxiety Win: 

Not asking my mother-in-law if she washed her hands when we got home from shopping. I wanted to so bad. But I didn't. I came up with all sorts of reasons why I should, but I didn't. #winning

This was a great day, but I am beat.

<3

DAY 34 - Thursday, October 27, 2016: Today's Good Things & An Anxiety Win

My baby is going to be two years old tomorrow. TWO. I am not going to talk anymore about that because I just can't.

Today's good things:

1. I didn't work today and got to spend the day with my family. Grayson was an absolute grouch this morning and ended up napping for almost three hours this afternoon and he was mr. happy pants after that. In spite of his grouchy self, it was nice to spend the day with my fam.

2. The reason I was off today was so that I would be able to go to Carter's preschool pick up and watch the little surprise performance they had been practicing. It was pretty freaking sweet and I grinned like an idiot the entire time.

3. I laid down this afternoon for about an hour and a half and there are few things better than an afternoon nap. (Don't ask me what they are, or I'll tell you.)

Anxiety Win:
One of the things I don't like is sharing food or drink with anyone. I feel like it increases my risk of getting a virus that they may not yet have symptoms of. This includes my kids. Today, they each ate half of their yogurt before bed and rather than throwing them away, I ate the remainder of both of them. Sounds like such a silly thing to consider a victory, but it totally is.

I'm now going to bed to play dumb word games on my phone and I'm pretty excited about sinking into my big bed and enjoying the cool, fresh air of the open window.

DAY 33 - Wednesday, October 26, 2016: Today's Good Things & An Anxiety Win

This was my day:

I got up, got ready for work; ran Carter to preschool to drop him off; went right from there to Grayson's growth check; ran him to the babysitter's; ran in to work; worked for 5.5 hours with about a 10 minute coffee break; picked up the boys and headed to mom's for supper; got home at 7:15 (past everyone's bedtime); walked with the munchkins to the school down the street to vote in the municipal election; looked like the crazy mom running after her two year old while I was there; came home; bedtime snacks and pjs; books; bed. Then I sat my ass on the couch (at 8:30) and haven't gotten up since. I'm beat.

Today was Grayson's two-year growth check. He will be two years old on Friday (why and how?!). He is in the 37th percentile for weight at 25.3 pounds and the 33rd percentile for height at 33.7 inches. At his last growth check six months ago he was 71st percentile for weight at 25 pounds and the 55th percentile for height at 32 inches.

I was a tiny bit concerned that he hasn't gained any weight, but his doctor wasn't at all, especially considering he is doing exceptionally well in all other developmental areas. She said he's just getting to be "long and lean" like his mama :-)

Ha! Long and lean my ass.

I've talked a lot about how insecure I am about my weight. I am small -- very thin. I've been built this way my whole life and I was picked on in elementary school for being "too skinny." So it's a point of insecurity for me (sometimes; truthfully, other times I'm like, "my god, my body is kick ass." I'm not trying to be arrogant, but just honest about how I feel about myself.) Anyway, I always wished I could be a curvier girl. Bigger boobs (who doesn't want that -- except the really big-boobed among us), an actual ass (I must not have been in line on the day that God was handing those suckers out. ... maybe JLo got my share. Damned JLo); and bigger hips. I just wish I was "fluffier" all around. I loved being pregnant because I gained weight and just felt "softer". Of course, after baby comes and the weight starts to fall off I'm left being my bony self. *sigh*

That was a very long and ridiculous digression, but screw you, it's my blog and I felt like writing it. I bring this up because my stomach in particular has felt "fat" lately. I totally look freaking pregnant (which would be fine if I was actually pregnant). I have been eating terribly these last few months: entire bags of potato chips all to myself; a bag of popcorn with butter on it all to myself; a piece of pumpkin pie with an obscene amount of whipped cream right before bed. And then I wonder why my belly looks fater. Hmmm... what COULD it be?

So, today at the doctor's office, I weighed myself on their good scale, cause ours doesn't have batteries (I don't think) and isn't awesome. I didn't actually think my weight would be any different than it has been for the last year (about 116 pounds). The only reason that I actually weighed myself was so that I could get batteries in our scale at home and figure out how "off" it is so that I can see how much Carter weighs. (More digression... ANYWAY...), I now weigh 120.4 pounds. Say whaaaaaa? I don't care at all that I've gained weight, but think it's funny that I was hoping Gray would have gained weight and here he didn't, but I did. Jeff called it the "+4 popcorn power." He's right about that!

I don't care about the number on the scale, but I do wish my stomach was tighter and flatter (who doesn't, except people who already have this?). So, I probably should start eating better and exercising to tone and strengthen my core. So to start this off right, tonight I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks with whole milk and whipped cream. Yup. I can feel my stomach getting tighter right now.

Okay, what was good about today:

1. I worked today so that I could get tomorrow off. I don't want to talk about tomorrow because these posts are supposed to be about what was good about today, not looking to the good things in the future. SO, it's nice that I got my three days done and out of the way already. It feels good. On top of that, it was another really productive day at work. I've had razor sharp focus this week and that's been fan-freaking-tastic.

2. I felt pretty today. It's nice to feel pretty now and again.

3. I missed my boys today and was pretty damned happy to pick them up at the sitter's. They were both so excited to see me, which made me feel pretty good.


Anxiety Win:At the doctor's office today, Grayson saw a toy car that they had in the room we were in while we waited for the doctor. I didn't want to let him have it because I feel like - even more than anywhere else - kid toys at a doctor's office are chalked full of germs that I don't want my kid to come into contact with. I kind of tried to distract him with something else for a second and then, knowing I was being silly, gave him the truck thinking, "fine, this can be my anxiety win for the day."

That's one of the good things about doing this anxiety win posts; quite a few times I've actually done things I didn't want to do because I knew that I could turn around and use them for my anxiety win. I'm actually pushing myself to go beyond my comfort zone because of these posts and that makes the posts doubly fruitful: they are helping me to focus on the progress I'm making, which will help to build confidence going forward; and they also encourage me to push myself in ways I might not have without the need for a win to reference.

#WINNING #StillALittleFreakedOutThough

DAY 32 - Tuesday, October 25, 2016: Today's Good Things & Today's Anxiety Win

I am still feeling very emotionally "off" today. Oddly emotional or sensitive. (No, I am definitely not pregnant.) I'm not a particularly sensitive or defensive person, but today, and yesterday, I felt off and lonely. I'm not entirely certain why. I think everyone has those days (maybe they don't?) where they feel inconsequential, unimportant, lacking in any particular gift and/or skill, and altogether uninteresting or unimpressive.

This is not a plea for pity. This is not an attempt to garner attention and this is not a sly request to hear the ways in which I am the opposite of all of those things. This is simply an account of my feelings. I'm just putting them out there. Often when I do that, the feelings lose their hold on me. This is true of my anxiety as well. I think it's got something to do with taking control back through the act of writing. At least, for me it does.

I feel mousy. That makes no sense. But I feel small and like I want to fold in on myself. I feel a little meek. A little embarrassed about my often loud voice, my tendency to tell everyone everything, my naive and very incorrect assumption that people will attempt to empathize with me, instead of judge me. I feel a little like taking a day and hiding under a blanket; talking to no one; not hearing the sound of my own voice even once just for a day.

I don't know why I feel this way. No one has done anything. No one (that I know of) has actually gossiped about me, laughed at me, teased me. I just feel vulnerable all of a sudden -- a feeling that likely comes with feeling overly emotional.

Emotions are weird and confusing and a pain in the ass. But without them, there would be no happiness and can you imagine a life without bliss? I hope not.

That was quite the digression. Time to talk about some good things.

1. I had another really productive day at work. There is little better feeling than that of being really productive.

2. I had my follow-up eye appointment at the optometrist today. They asked me to come back and redo an eye test, which I assumed meant some sort of death-by-eye disease (of course). Not so, as it turns out. My eyes are wonderfully healthy. And they are also big like alien eyes. That is not something that the eye doctor said; this is simply my own observation.

3. Last minute this evening my boss allowed me to switch around my work days so that I could be at Carter's preschool to pick him up on Thursday. He will be wearing his Halloween costume there, so I didn't want to miss dropping him off in his Paw Patrol outfit and then, just today, the preschool teacher let us know that we should come to pick up five minutes early because the kids have a little something prepared for us.

I so appreciate that my boss and workplace are flexible in this way and that I am allowed to (last minute) make changes like this so that I don't miss anything to do with my kids. I have waited my whole life to be a mom and for moments like this: little songs sung by my mini-me in a preschool class and I'm so fortunate to be in a position where I am not forced to miss those moments. <3

Anxiety Win:
Jeff had a migraine this morning and often his migraines make him nauseous. On our way to the babysitter's today, I thought he might actually need to pull over to throw up. He didn't, but I didn't feel freaked the eff out about it. I felt very whatever about it in terms of my anxiety. Literally, this kind of "close encounter" would have made me shake physically in the past, and I would have thought about it all day. But it felt like a non-event, and my bigger concern was doing whatever I could do to care for him. #SoEffingWinningAtThis #IStillDontWantTheStomachFluAtMyHouse #ImStillScaredOfGettingSick

DAY 31 - Monday, October 24, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

I think it's funny that just yesterday I posted about how happy I am with how these "3 good things" posts are going -- especially that I haven't felt that I have been having to pull them out of myself. And now, today, I just have zero desire to write a post or to list anything good. Not because I had a bad day; I had quite a good day, I just feel an utter lack of bliss currently.

I worked today from 9 - 5:30 and I didn't take a break. It was an exceptionally productive day at work, which is good thing #1, but it didn't leave any room for pleasantness, particularly, or joy.

Because I got home just after 6:00 and was exhausted from the lack of downtime today, I felt pretty spent. I ate supper and sat on the couch while I watched my sweet boys play. I think the lack of interaction with them is a bit of a downer, but I was just too tired. I don't know how Jeff does those long days all week.

I also just felt extra anxious today, for no particular reason. All day, too.

Anyway, let's move on, shall we.

2. Jeff stayed home with the boys while I worked today. There is something nice about knowing my boys are at home with their dad. And I'm happy they got to spend some time alone with him after he was gone for the entirety of last week.

3. I am now going to lay in bed and play word games on my phone until I fall asleep. Lame, but good times :-)

Anxiety Win:
Jeff took the boys shopping today while I was at work. He mentioned that he gave them both fruit snack treats for in the car on the way home. I really wanted to ask if he had them in a shopping cart and, if he did, if he washed their hands before giving them treats. I'm going to guess that, yes, he used a cart, and no, he didn't wash their hands. And this bugs me. A lot. But I didn't ask. #effingwinning

DAY 30 - Sunday, October 23, 2016: Today's Good Things & No Anxiety Win

1. Day 30! And posting these daily good things has yet to feel "hard" or like a chore. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to be a negative person, but this daily exercise has forced me to put a positive frame around an experience that might otherwise be considered negative by the average person, and consequently -- most certainly -- by me. I'm proud of myself for making it a full month and for still enjoying it as much as I do.

2. We didn't leave the house today. It was glorious.

3. My brother, Curt, came over for breakfast today. He played at the train table with the boys. Somehow, watching my family play with the boys just never gets old. This was the best picture I could get. They were too busy playing :-)

Anxiety Win:
I actually can't think of a win today. I don't think it was a bad day or anything, I just can't think of a specific win that stood out.

Boring post, but I'm soooo ready for bed.

Nighty Night!

DAY 29 - Saturday, October 22, 2016: Today's Good Things & a Few Anxiety Wins

Today was my first day with Jeff back. Having him around is just better than not having him around.

In particular, today was good for these reasons:

1. At nearly 1:00 a.m. when Jeff got home, I was still awake. He came right into our room to see if I was up. I was, so I got the best hug ever. I missed this man. I love this man.

2. Listening to Carter sing along to a tv show today. Totally out of tune; totally made me grin like a moron.

3. The kids slept in today until 8:40. Whaaaaat?! They both fell asleep late last night, so they needed a sleep in, and (though it still wasn't enough sleep), so did their dad and I.

4. Having about a 3 hour conversation on the couch with Jeff tonight after the kids were in bed. We haven't really had the chance to really talk yet. He got home so late last night that, though I was up, I was half asleep. Then we didn't have a chance to talk during the day because, well, Carter and Grayson were with us, and you know. Well, if you have kids you know. If you don't have kids and can have a conversation with your spouse... yeah, what's that like?!

I've digressed. My point was sitting on the couch catching up with my favourite human in the entire world was so awesome. This "good thing" was the highlight of my day. No question.


Anxiety Win:
1. Letting Carter use the hand rail (instead of holding my hand) while walking down the stairs in a public place today. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck yuck.

2. Jeff took Carter with him to the grocery store. One of the things they were going to get was bologna (I'm a good parent that way). I heard him ask his dad, "Can I have a peice, Dad?" [as in, before they get home]. Jeff said yes. Carter said, "But can I eat it with my hands?" [I knew where this was going.] "Yes." Carter: "Well, Mom doesn't let me eat it with my hands." Jeff: "Well, we won't tell mom." Jeff made it very joke-y, which I totally appreciate, but things like this really made me realize how much my anxiety impacts my kids. It made me really sad and feel really terrible and, as my therapist says, I will just use this as motivation to get better.

I have a bunch of posts I want to get up in the next week, but time might be a bit of an issue. Either way, I want to chat/rant about:
- some struggles I'm having with who to have on my FB page and who not to have on my FB page, given the kind of content (like these things) that I post
- the frustration I felt last week at the complete lack of warmth and empathy displayed by some and the knee-jerk reaction I have to fight about not, myself, turning into a cold, selfish butt-hole
- a more general picture of where things are at for me therapy/anxiety-wise

Thoughts/suggestions on further ways to explore any of those??

DAY 28 - Friday, October 21, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

Again today, I was without a sitter.

1. As I type this, Jeff is on a plane from Toronto heading home to us. To me. To my boys. Carter has asked every single day if today is Saturday because he knows he will see Dad on Saturday morning. And tomorrow, it is.

2. The boys were playing so well at supper time that I put their plates on the table and told them that supper was ready, but when neither really responded or seemed that interested, I just left it. I wouldn't normally do that but, honestly, they were just playing so well and were so happy that the thought of fighting with them to stop and get them to eat (which they probably wouldn't do when mad at me anyway) wasn't appealing.

Plus, I figured, they would be good and hungry when they did eat, which might actually make for a smoother-than-normal supper. And it was. Supper is rarely successful, so it's always a gift from the freaking universe when it is. Also, Grayson who does okay with veggies, but will not eat any meat (among other totally ridiculous things) actually ate potatoes today. I had to bribe him with about 8 smarties, but eff you for judging me: this was a win!

3. When Jeff is home, each of us puts one kid to bed. Usually Gray wants his Dad and Carter wants Mom, so it's pretty easy to divide. When Jeff isn't home, I have Carter come with me into Gray's room for books. The three of us squeeze into the rocking chair, read our books, and then when I turn off the lamp to rock Grayson for a few minutes in the dark while I hum him a lullaby, Carter stands by the door to wait for me. Then we head to his room where I read him a few more books.

I also always lay with Carter for a bit after we read our books. I love it. I always find it hard to get up afterwards. I'm usually so exhausted and Carter's bed is so comfy. And he plays with my hair and rubs my back. It's glorious. Anyway, since Carter has spent all week doing bedtime books with Grayson and I, he is now pretty familiar with the routine. I don't think he knew before that Jeff and I hum Gray lullabies as a part of his bedtime routine. Tonight, I was laying in his bed after books, as usual. "Mom," he says. "Can you sing me a lullaby?" So I hummed him the same lullaby that I hum to Grayson every night and after I finished, he half sat up, clapped and said, "Bravo! Bravo! Now I will be able to go to sleep." I didn't even know he knew the word "Bravo." But it was one of those moments. You know. (Consequently, it is 10:35 p.m., and the little fart is still awake. So take that for what it's worth.) Nostalgic fact: this is the same lullaby that we used to hum to Carter as a part of his bedtime routine when he was a baby. *Ugly cry face... HERE*

4. Carter is just turning into such a little grown up and my heart swells so often throughout the day at things he says or does, or even the way he looks. This is the dumbest example, that I'm pretty sure will only make sense to the parents out there:

Just now, as I'm writing this post, he gets up (obviously, he should be sleeping... like TWO hours ago) and comes out of his room saying he has to go pee. He goes into the bathroom, does his business, washes his hands and we say a few things to each other in the hallway that are not important enough to remember and then he turns to go to bed. "Goodnight, Mom," as he walks down the hall, looking so big. I don't know what it was about that. It makes zero sense, even as I write it. But just the fact that he was once this idea that I had, and then this belly, and then this tiny baby, and then this cute toddler... and now, he gets up himself, goes to the bathroom and washes his hands on his own and tells me, "Goodnight, Mom." I just don't know how this has happened. But it's amazing. I created that, I think, but it's so in my face now that he's really becoming his own person. Does that make sense?

5. My Grayson will be two years old a week from today. He calls me "Mama" now - I think because the little boy in one of the books we read a lot (I Love You Stinky Face) calls his mom that.

Parenthood is just the strangest experience. For me, I think a lot about how, when the boys are older, we will have family movie nights in the theatre room or in our big bed, how we will play games all together, and how (I hope) they will excitedly tell me what's happening in the novel they are reading. I imagine looking over at one of them on our couch, with a book in their face. I can't wait for those days, I think. And then I think about the fact that Gray is turning two a week from today and my heart hurts. Maybe not my physical heart; but something in my chest. My soul? Where would those be if humans do have them?!

I don't want another baby. Not at all. Zero percent of me wishes that Jeff didn't get a vasectomy and that we'd be either pregnant or trying to get pregnant right now. What I do wish for, though, is to have both of my baby boys again. I just want a repeat of the two little men that I have. Maybe without the sleepless nights, painful first month of breastfeeding, and the seriously broken lady parts (even after the second baby... what the actual eff?!). Jeff doesn't get this at all, but I've spoken to so many women who do. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this but it doesn't make me any less sad to watch them grow up.

I'm a sappy mom today!

Anxiety Win:
I made it through the entire week without much help, and with little-to-no me time with the boys while Jeff was away and, the winning part is, that I didn't feel anxious for much of it at all. AND that is extra impressive since I sort of felt like we were "surrounded" by the flu. I just feel like 6 days of single parenting and I'm still here, and I didn't feel on edge the whole time, and I just enjoyed the time that I got to spend with my boys. And that adds up to a big win. And I'm proud of myself. Okay. There, I said it. I am.

DAY 27 - Thursday, October 20, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

Thursday, October 20th was an asshole.

This post was supposed to go up yesterday, but I was too tired, so here it is.

Here's how the day panned out.

My morning plan was to drop Grayson off at the babysitter's and head downtown with Carter to drop him off at a bakery, where his preschool class was going for a field trip. My mom, who was still sick, but feeling much better (or so I thought) was going to be picking Carter up (an hour later) and driving him to the sitter's for the remainder of the day. A text from my mom, however, revealed that she had a very bad night and - I am quoting here - was "sick as a dog." Okay, a kink in the day, I figure, but no big deal. So now my new plan is to drop Grayson off at the sitter's as planned, drive Carter to the bakery and then I'll have to pick Carter back up (an hour later) and drive him to the babysitter's as well.

So, it's 9:00 a.m. He has to be at the bakery at 9:30. I am cutting it close and as I am getting the boys' coats on, realized that Grayson pooped himself. Of course he did. I realize that I have two options: 1) I could take him to Judy's (my babysitter) with his stinky diaper, hand him over with an apology for the extra little gift, and let her know to change him right away, because he gets diaper rash so quickly, then RUN out the door because I would barely be getting Carter to the bakery on time as it is, or 2) I could stay home and change Grayson, which would mean I would not have time to drop him off at Judy's first, so I would have to take him with me to drop off Carter. We could always walk across the street to Safeway and spend the hour there, though, until Carter is done at 10:30 because there would be no point in driving back home to turn around 15 minutes later and drive back. Then, once it's 10:30, I can drive them both to Judy's and then, finally, head into work.

I opted to leave his diaper and just drive him to Judy's. I get there, and she doesn't look well. She has also been fighting a bit of a sore throat since Monday. I said to her, "what's wrong?" and she said, "nothing." But she sounded much worse like her cold had really picked up. I said, "well you don't sound very good!" And she said, "no and I've been throwing up all night too."

Alright.

Well, I can't leave my kids with her when she's got flu, both because I don't want it at my house and also because I don't think it's fair that she should have to work when she's ill.

But now, I am basically running late to get Carter to preschool, AND I have a baby with a poopy diaper who is now going to have to sit in it for at least another 20 minutes while I Get Carter there and drive back home. Also, I now have to drive back home immediately after dropping Carter off to change Grayson and then turn right back around to pick up Carter. Awesome.

Also, this means that I didn't have a babysitter for the day. On my way to drop Carter off, I called my Grandma who said that she could come over, but her and my grandpa had an appointment and, though she didn't know how long it would take, they would come over afterwards. So I did manage to get into work... for like an hour. And then work wasn't so great.

But it was a day. I survived and lived to bitch about it here. The truth is, it wasn't all bad. Here's why:

1. Because of the shitty string of events, I ended up spending much of the day with my boys. At one point, we spent an hour outside. They played, while I de-planted my planters. The weather was glorious and we had a nice hour together outside.

2. My therapy appointment today. I just love my therapist. She's the perfect fit for me and provides me a great deal of clarity on issues that I am confused about in my life. And she really makes me feel like I'm beating the hell out of this anxiety. So take that!

3. After I got the kids to bed (late because of gymnastics), I had a hot bath and watched some of the 3rd presidential debate. It's like watching shitty reality TV. It's just so ridiculous and yet I can't bring myself to look away.

Anxiety win: 
The kids went to their gymnastics class, despite the fact that I feel like the flu is everywhere at the moment and I wish to God that they didn't like it so much. But they do. So I go. And I watch and wave and cheer like the crazy ass mom that I am.

Peace Out!

DAY 26 - Wednesday, October 19, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

DAY 26 - Wednesday, October 19, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

The truth is that all I actually wanted to do after putting the kids to bed was soak in an obscenely hot bath for an hour, get out and work on a puzzle. Yes. That's correct. I like puzzles. Nay, I love them. Just thinking about working on a puzzle actually puts me in a good mood. True story.

Instead of doing that, though, I got the kids to bed and the cleaned the house until just now: 11:30. Dumb. That's just plain dumb, but so many things about the messy state of the house were driving me crazy that I had to do it. Of course, there were still about 4 things that I didn't get to do that I wanted to do.

No where in there was there any down time, which is also dumb since tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist, I haven't done any of the homework she "assigned" and I realized today that an engagement at lunch means that I can't use my lunch hour to do it either. Fuck.

It's not actually that big a deal, but I need to do this stuff. Doing it is a big part of what's going to help me get better.

Anyway, since it's late and my alarm is set for 6:00 a.m. *sob*, I should tell you why my day was good.

1. At bedtime tonight, as I got up to leave, Carter asked me to come back and lay with him when I was done my cleaning. I said I would, knowing that he would be long asleep by then. As he said it, his voice broke. He was trying not to cry. I laid by him for a few more seconds, playing with his hair. He said to me, "Eskimo kiss?" in the sweetest little voice. I put my nose down to his. Then he said, "kiss?" So I kissed him. Then, without saying anything, he just hugged me right good. *sigh* and that makes up for the times that he was being a b-hole today. That right there.

2. Last night (yesterday day and into the evening and night) I wasn't feeling very well. Not terrible at all, but like something was brewing. I had a headache all day and felt a little achy. Those two symptoms aren't necessarily indicative of anything with me, though, because I get both of those things a lot. Like, a lot. But my throat was also sore and it only got more sore into the night. Yet, I woke up this morning feeling decent. Still a little like I was fighting something, but as the day wore on, I felt close to 92.6%. I was going to say 90, but that's so boring and predicable, so 92.6 it is.

3. Gray peed on the potty today. And it was his own idea to sit on the potty, not mine. I actually think that if I took a week at home and tried to train him, it might just work. He's so little that it seems crazy to me that it's true. Now to find a week...

Anxiety win:
I let Carter push the cart at Walmart today without first cleaning it or having the cart cover on. This is incredibly gross to me, but I did it anyway and that definitely makes it a win.

It's amazing to me to think about how many "normal" things in life I have to battle against (like letting my nearly 5-year old push a Walmart cart) that other people seriously don't give a second thought to; and not only do they not give a second thought to it, they don't wash their kids hands when they get home. To me, that's actually living right there on the edge. Insane, those people are. #winning

DAY 25 - Tuesday, October 18, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

Day three, Jeffless. I don't like it. I don't like it even one little bit. Three more days. Three FULL days. Boooo! But I'm over half way now, so we're on the upswing, people.

Today was a bit rough, but there were some highlights for sure.

1. My mom was sick with the flu - that's one of the rough parts; my poor Mama Bear! One of the highlights? When I texted her at 4:30 p.m. on my way home from work, she said she was already feeling so much better. A short-lived bug, so that's great!

2. This morning, Carter told me that he wanted to wear a tie. Look at how freaking cute this little boys is! How can this not be one of my three good things?!

3. Having my brother Curt over for supper and then heading out with him and the kids to Chapters for book shopping and Starbucks. My favourite way to spend an evening and with one of my very favourite people. Grayson squealed when he saw uncle Curt walking up the drive way and basically cried and yelled "Curt! Curt!..." any time Curtis wasn't in his direct line of sight. He LOVES the men in my family the most. It's neat that he's at that age where he's picking his people and it's his dad, his grandpa and his uncles (and his Amma, is the one female exception!). So sweet!

4. Carter asked to sleep in my bed tonight. Since tomorrow isn't a work day, tonight makes the most sense so I said sure. I just went in and checked on him and, of course, he's passed out. He looks so sweet when he's sleeping, but he looks even cuter and smaller in my big bed. *sappy mom sigh*

My awesome anxiety win today:
My therapist is going to be so happy about this when I see her on Thursday.

So, when I get anxious, I email or message someone and try to get them to talk me through it/down. At my last appointment, my therapist said that she wants me to stop and write my way through the conversation that I would have with someone else (usually my brother Curt, but -- frankly, I'm an anxiety whore and I'll talk to anyone who will listen because I do find talking about it so comforting). The therapist wants me to get from myself what I get from other people. She wants me to be the source of my own confidence, instead of having to go outside myself to obtain that. It makes perfect sense.

So today, I had a moment where I got really anxious and I started to text my brother. I stopped three lines in and picked up my journal. I wrote out an entire page that explored what I'm afraid of, what evidence I have to support the likelihood of this feared outcome and, my action plan should this fear actually come to fruition. And, my little pep talk about how I can manage whatever is thrown my way.

It felt so good to do it. To have that conversation with myself instead of someone else. Relying on other people is sometimes important and is sometimes necessary, but I feel really proud of myself for working through this situation on my own today.

It's funny - anxiety becase sometimes I feel so confident in my ability to handle things and other times I feel terrified at the possibility. I can swing widly from one end of the spectrum to the other in a very short period of time. I just need to keep a stronger hold on the confident feeling.

And I will be just fine.

Just fine.

DAY 24 - Monday, October 17, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

This has to be short because it's 11:00 p.m. and it's a work day for me tomorrow, which means my alarm is set for 6:00 a.m. :-(

1. I took the kids to the babysitter to get a ton of things done today. Somehow, so many of the things on my list still didn't get checked off, but I'm going to focus on the jobs that I did get done and, considering how long they ended up taking me, it's a good thing I did decide to take them after all.

2. Even though I was busy and focused at home today, I missed the kids terribly. I was very much looking forward to picking them up. And when they are excited to see me at the door, well, that's pretty kick ass.

3. I officially miss Jeff. He left very early on Sunday morning, so it's now been two full days since we've seen each other. I was good yesterday and didn't miss him too much, but today was another story all together. *Sigh* Is it Friday yet?!

Anxiety win: telling my cousin to go ahead and share her drink with Carter when he asked her for some. I don't like it when the kids share with people because it increases their risk of picking up some virus and we all know how I like to shy away from viruses. #Winning

DAY 23 - Sunday, October 16, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

Well, we made it through our first day Dadless. I had a good day with my mini men. Here are our highlights:

1. The boys played so well together and were such happy, well-behaved good, little guys. As a parent, you appreciate those days like no other. #IKnowYallFeelMe

2. When Gray napped this afternoon, I laid on the couch and "rested" my eyes, while Carter sat in the crook of my legs and played a game on my tablet. It was nice to have him right there, cuddled under the blanket with me. #MySweetBoy

3. Tonight we went for supper with my parents, and brother/Uncle Joel and sister (in-law)/Auntie Sarah and the food was delish and the boys were pretty good. Thank god, though, for my Dad and Joel, who were the ones who kept the boys occupied and ran around with them basically the entire time. It was nice to not have to cook anything and not have a kitchen and dining room to clean up.

And those were three of my highlights. It was really nice just hiding out in the house today, with my boys, staying warm from the cold weather.

I feel like these posts are so boring lately -- so un-full of personality. I feel like I'm either really sappy or really sassy. Sometimes, I do manage to merge the two in the same post, but lately I'm missing a lot of my sass. It is what it is. I can't force it. People, I can't possibly be funny all the time!

My anxiety win today:
These, too -- I don't know that I should keep putting these on here. They are kind of "boring" sometimes, especially because they will start to get repetitive. Either way, I'll list today's. At supper tonight, we were at a buffet and I HATE touching all of the same scoops and spoons that hundreds of people before me touched and then going to my table, picking up a spring roll with my hands, and eating. I also JUST realized as I was writing this, that I opened the door to the restaurant with my hand and then didn't wash with actual soap and water before eating. Eeeeee! That makes me both excited and proud and totally horrified. I did use hand sanitizer at one point, but I don't feel that that's good enough (I don't 100% trust it to be honest) and always prefer to actually wash my hands with soap and water, so it still definitely feels like a win. I can't determine if it's a win though or if it's just plain stupid of me. So there we are. #winningIthink

DAY 22 - Saturday, October 15, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

It's Saturday. That means that tomorrow Jeff will be on his way to Atlanta for the whole week. I am dreading him being gone. It's ridiculous, even, how much I miss him when he's gone. With him, I often still feel like a girl with a crush on a guy -- and I love that about our marriage -- but it makes him leaving harder. I always say that he enhances every single part of my life, and our home just isn't the same without his presence in it. But, him leaving does mean that I get the king size bed to myself sans his snoring and this does make me excited, if I'm being really honest.

So today.

I was tired today. I couldn't fall asleep last night so I was up until 1:30 a.m. Then I woke up at 6:20 to pee and couldn't get back to sleep. I did end up getting another maybe 45 minutes in there because Jeff got up with Gray at 7:30 and let me sleep for another hour. But I just felt tired, and short, and kind of blah today. All I really wanted to do all day was sleep and laze around in bed. Turns out that two kids don't allow for that kind of slothfulness.

Here are the highlights from my day:

1. Waking up with the cat pressed right up against my body. He's such a cuddler. He's either sleeping half on me or RIGHT next to me and I love it.

2. Going for a pedicure with a girlfriend. It was nice to finish sentences during conversation instead of getting cut off by kids over and over. And now I have pretty feet. Well, only sort of. I've got that whole crooked toe thing that I've shared on Instagram before.

3. Taking the kids to the free-time swim this evening. They had such a good time and were such good little boys.

Anxiety win for the day:
I've said this one before, but it's a hard one for me and I held myself back from doing it today, so on the list it goes! Gray crapped himself (who hasn't though, amirite?!) and Jeff changed him. I wanted very badly to ask "how" that poop was, but I didn't. And, what do ya know, there would have been nothing to worry about anyway, because he was fine all day. #winning

DAY 21 - Friday, October 14, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

Well, folks, here we are: Friday.

I have spent most of my evening since putting the kids to bed watching the presidential debate. Can I just say, good freaking god.

Because it's now 11:00 and I'm only getting to my three good things now, I'm going to make it short and sweet.

1. I had a good day at work and set myself up nicely to get a lot done next week.

2. Planning a weekend trip to spend some time with my soul sister. This will be the first time we have ever been able to spend time together without a kid pulling at one of us, a baby attached to one of our boobs, or a poopy bum that needed wiping. We will sleep, we will drink a lot of coffee, and we will talk and talk and talk some more.

3. Hearing Grayson say "mama" has to be the best thing. "Mama, tree," as he points to a tree. That "mama" just kills me. He's known that I'm "mum" or "mama" for a while, but only in the past few days is he getting my attention by saying it repetitively and I freaking love it.

4. Playing catch with Carter tonight. We play catch as a "game" during which we also work on some of the pronunciations he has difficulty with. We're still working on "L" words and he's doing really well. He's my sweet boy.

Anxiety win for the day:
I got paranoid that the frozen rice and beans dinner I ate wasn't sealed properly, even though it remained frozen and had no freezer burn on it (that might have actually suggested that it wasn't sealed properly). I get paranoid about getting food poisoning all the time and in this instance, my initial reaction was to throw the dinner away and get a new one, but I didn't. It's rice and beans, for god's sake, and there's no evidence that it wasn't sealed properly. So I ate it. Yes, at nearly 35, I ate a frozen dinner and still consider myself to be #winningatlife. So I'm not sure what that says about me, but let's focus on the anxiety, shall we. Right. (Plus, I'm addicted to these stupid rice and bean things. They're DELICIOUS, people.)

It's too 11:21 for spell check, folks ;-)

DAY 20 - Thursday, October 13, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

I realized today that so many of my "good things" are about my kids; further, so many of those things about the kids are really little things, seemingly not note or memory-worthy. I think in parenthood, it's those little moments that make the shitty parts totally worth it. Realizing, really only today, how many of those small things end up in my "good things" list also reminded me how little it really takes to bring joy, or pull us out of a bad mood. There's something tremendously comforting in that.

It's so cliché, but it really is the little things in life that make it great. And while I'm exceptionally good at complaining and focusing on what isn't working or what's "annoying" me at any given moment, including my experiences as a mother, my boys really are the best part of my life and bring me far more of these moments of intense happiness and peace than anyone or anything else. And I'm so grateful for that.

1. So, thing number one is about Carter. I was in the dining room when he woke up this morning. I heard his door open and then I heard his little voice, "Is anyone awake?" I smiled. "I'm up Carter. Just out here." I hear his feet pad down the hallway and he comes and stands next to me in the dining room. He rubs my back and says, "Good morning, Mom." I just can't get over how sweet this little boy is. He's so kind and gentle and loving and affectionate. I hope the world doesn't change him.

2. I went for a massage today and it was ah-mazing.

3. Grayson's reaction to seeing my dad tonight. I'm going to take my video camera to gymnastics next week to get it recorded because no description I can ever give will do it justice. I will just say that he was so excited, that I actually thought, "this kid is going to have a heart attack if he doesn't calm the eff down." Once we got into gymnastics, he refused to go to anyone but my dad, so guess who had to take him into his class. That's right: grandpa is a sucker.

TWO ANXIETY WINS TODAY... booooo yah!

1. Eating food with my hands *gasp* while at work. I haven't done this in a very long time. I wash my hands right before I eat always, but when I'm at work, I'm on my computer, typing away and touching my mouse and I can't help but think of all the germs that must be on the keyboard and mouse. Especially because, when I come into the office initially, I touch a bunch of doors, the light switch, etc., and then the first thing I do is turn on my computer and log in, so immediately, whatever viruses or bacteria I have touched before getting into my office is now directly on my mouse. So then, when I wash my hands before lunch, it feels like as soon as I touch my keyboard and mouse, I've re-picked up all of those germs and then picked my my sandwich. See? Do you see? You don't see. And that's why I pay a therapist. *sigh*

BUT, the point is, today, I did it effing anyway. I didn't like it, but I did it. (And I totally think that I'll actually get a stomach bug and want to blame it on doing that, which will make me not want to do it ever again because my logic will be, "See, I was right not to ever touch my food!")

2. Not texting my dad to check in on how Carter is. He didn't really eat much supper and told me that his tummy hurt (probably because he didn't want to eat). The last time he told me his tummy hurt and wouldn't eat, he actually did have a stomach bug, so I immediately start to panic thinking he's sick. Anyway, he still wanted to go to gymnastics and jumped around like the wild man he usually is there so he definitely didn't seem sick. After gymnastics, my dad always buys him a special little treat from the coffee place there, and I was tempted all night to text my dad and see if Carter wanted something and, if he did, if he actually ate it (I left for my yoga class, so I wasn't there to see). Carter is sleeping at my parents' place tonight, so even late tonight - like 9:30, I wanted to text my dad to see if Carter had eaten anything.

But I didn't. And that was hard. And that was a big win.

TWO GOLD STARS FO SHOW.

I'm still totally thinkin' about how he is and if he ate though...

DAY 19 - Wednesday, October 12, 2016: Today's Good Things & Anxiety Win

1. How Grayson says, "Rice Krispies". Ohmygurd. So cute.

2. Taking the boys on a walk to the park today. They had good times, it got all of us fresh air, and their smiles are the freaking best.

3. I took a hot bath after the kids went to bed. It felt so good and now I feel too relaxed to even type out a proper post, so this is as good as it's going to get.

Today's anxiety win:
Grayson dumped his bowl of dry rice krispies on the kitchen floor and then proceeded to eat them off of said floor. I think this is super gross, but I let him do it anyway (for a time, then I chucked them out and got him new ones). The thing is, that's always something I've found gross, so, sometimes, I struggle to determine what is something I genuinely just don't like, and things that I don't like because of anxiety. I think this might be one of those things that I just don't like as opposed to an anxious behaviour thing, but I'm calling it a win anyway.

DAY 18 - Tuesday, October 11, 2016: Today's Good Things, But No Anxiety Win

1. This morning, on the way to dropping the kids off at the babysitter's we were listening to their kids' CD (at Carter's request). Carter was singing along to "Five Little Monkeys". His little voice singing away made me happy. I love how sweet our boy is.

2. At work today, I completed what was left of the writing I had to do for the alumni magazine at the University where I work. I really loved the articles. There's something magical about the process of writing. It's addicting really. There are few feelings better than producing something you love. Also, it feels SO FREAKING GOOD to be done the articles. More work will come as we prepare to publish, but it's a huge weight off that my big part in the publication is done.

3. Tonight, I asked Jeff, "why do you love me?" We play this game often. He gives me his typical list: I'm sexy, I'm smart, I'm a good mom, blah, blah, blah (tricked him right good, huh?!) and then tonight adds, "and you laugh uncontrollably at things that are only sort of funny." That made me laugh. Hurmph. Laughing at that probably didn't help my case.

4. Eating veggie tempura at supper from Wasabi. YUM.

I seriously can't think of an anxiety win today. I felt anxious today. As Jeff's week out of the country approaches, I feel myself getting more and more nervous. I don't think I've been bad or anything -- in terms of engaging in OCD behaviours, but I just can't think of a battle I won today.

DAY 17 - Monday, October 10, 2016: 6 Good Things & Today's Anxiety Win

Today is Thanksgiving Day and I have so many things in my life to be thankful for. Here are some examples of things - big and little - that brought me an immense amount of joy today.

1. My siblings came over for brunch this morning. All three of them. I love these people so much. They are my favourite humans on the planet. Truly. I can't believe I am lucky enough to have them as my family. Also, the food was awesome.

2. When they are here, the Uncles spend a lot of time very much focused on playing with the boys. It's totally amazing to watch (I say that about everything, but it is!). Uncle Joel got down on the ground and played games with Gray for a good twenty minutes, and man oh man, Gray really loves Uncle Joel. NanaPe (Grandpa) might have some real competition there.

3. When everyone left, Carter wanted to make a necklace for Auntie Sarah. He loves her and I love it.

4. We spent about 45 minutes playing with the kids outside today in the snow and it was so fun. They looked so flippin' cute in their snowsuits and toques and Carter kept throwing snowballs at me and then running away laughing his ass off. All of us, except Grayson ended up having a little snowball fight (very docile, of course!). It was the best thing. I really, really hope that we have a decent winter again this year because now, Gray will actually be old enough that we can go outside and play in the snow (instead of just falling over in it and crying like last year).

5. We didn't leave the house today. It was a wintery day and it felt like the perfect stay at home day.

6. Earl Grey Tea. This brings me so much happiness. And when you pour the hot water into your cup and the steam comes out, with that amazing tea smell: perfection. What is it about that steam rising up from a mug of tea that just brings instant happiness?? Or is that just me?

I can't really think of an anxiety win today. When I change out the garbage bag, I don't like putting the lid of the garbage on the kitchen floor, but I do it anyway. I fight the urge to employ the complicated routine I used to have of ensuring that the garbage lid didn't touch the floor. Anyway, I suppose that's a win. Seems like cheating to call it a win though, since I've given up that complicated garbage can routine for about three weeks now. I quit cold turkey. My therapist was impressed. GOLD STAR FOR ME!!

DAY 16 - Sunday, October 9, 2016: Today's Anxiety Win & 3 Good Things

Today's anxiety win involves poop, but -- really -- what doesn't. Well now I've gone and made this awkward.

Okay, back to the poop. (Don't worry, this is not at all detailed.) Gray pooped his diaper 3 times today. Once this morning, once late afternoon, and once after supper. I changed his morning diaper, Jeff changed his afternoon diaper, and Jeff changed his evening diaper. Normally, I would ask Jeff, "how was that," by which, I am asking, "was it normal or loose?" If he says normal, I feel relieved and feel that I don't need to worry. If he says it was a bit runny, I start to worry that he's got a virus. Tonight, I really wanted to ask, but I didn't. I figure, if there is something to be concerned about, or something Jeff thinks I should know, he will tell me, but he didn't, so I'm going to take that as a sign that there is nothing to worry about. (I've thought this in the past, and generally know and understand this to be true, but it doesn't stop me from asking the question anyway.)

Today was good because:

1. I got my upstairs floors and bathrooms cleaned; a big job and a pain in the ass job, respectively. It felt nice to get them done though.

2. I took Carter over to my cousin's for my mom's family's Thanksgiving dinner and he had such a good time playing with his little cousins. They are an age that is fun to watch. They play together so well. He actually asked to sleep over, which I think is so cute. (I said no because they are sick and battling colds, so tonight just wasn't a good night, but I think it's so sweet that we're at that point soon.)

3. Jeff texted me this while I was at my family's: "Grayson just woke up. Woke up super cute. I can't remember what he looked like when I put him down, but he woke up super cute."

This cracked me up and made me so happy. He sure loves his boys, my Jeffrey. *sigh*

DAY 15 - Saturday, October 8, 2016: Today's Anxiety Win & 3 Good Things

Today was good, people. This is because...

1.  We took the boys to the swimming lessons this morning, as is the norm for us on Sunday mornings. It sucked to get out of bed and rush out of the house, but as I was there, in the water with my baby Gray, I felt completely and perfectly contented. This, I thought, is what I've always wanted. This moment, right here. I felt as though I was in the center of domesticity -- of family life. This is having kids on a weekend - getting up early, rushing around, and just being thankful you remembered to shave your legs. As I played boats in the water with Grayson, I could see my husband trying to split his attention between his two boys whose lessons are at the same time. Yes. This. Yes to this right here.

-- My anxiety win goes right here:

After swimming lessons, Carter always wants candy from those 25 cent candy machines. I HATE it. I hate it because I imagine how freaking gross those machines are. How many kids touch those knobs to turn them to get the candy. How many kids stick their unwashed, virus-infested hands in those little cubby holes to get the candy out. So gross. But every danged lesson, Carter wants one. Sometimes (most times) I say no, but this time, Jeff said sure and gave him a quarter. It takes everything in me to let him turn the knob and get the candy out himself. It takes everything in me to stop myself from telling him that, no, I will do it. But, hello MOM, that's the whole fun of it for a nearly-five-year-old. Then it takes everything in me to allow him to actually eat the candy without making him go to the bathroom and wash his hands first... but I don't. And I didn't today. And I let him have the candy. And I picked him up and danced with him while we waited in line at Subway for our breakfast subs and it was glorious. (That last one wasn't an anxiety win; I just liked it and wanted to add it in for good measure.) #Ieffingwon #winning

2. After swimming lessons, we took the kids to my parents' for the day. It was nice to come home to an empty, quiet house. The house is an actual disaster, but I took the opportunity to get some of the writing done that I need to get done for work. I had three articles left to write and today I worked for six hours straight through and completed one and am very, very close to the second one. I was only going to write for a few hours and then do some cleaning, but I was enjoying the writing and was on a good roll, so I just kept going. I feel really good about where I'm at and am hoping to get those and the last one completed before work on Tuesday so that Tuesday can just be spent editing and revising them. I think I'll be able to do it. Also, while I was typing away, the cat sat with me on the couch all day. It was awesome. There are few things better than the company of a cat when you're reading or typing. #KickingAssAndTakingNames

3. Watching two episodes of The Last Man on Earth with Jeff before bed. That show is totally hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing at one part. I want to make some joke about being there when the laughter stops, but it's 12:15 a.m. and I'm too tired to be clever. So, come up with something on your own and attribute it to me, will ya? Thanks :-)

DAY 14 - Friday, October 7, 2016: Today's Anxiety Win & 4 Good Things

Today's anxiety win comes with a backstory (doesn't everything I say??). Yesterday, my mother-in-law cooked us an awesome supper and even did the dishes after she was done. Now, NO ONE (except probably my own mother) washes dishes to my ridiculous standards (not even Jeff), so I saw those dishes in the drying rack and thought I'd have to check them and likely end up re-washing some of them. But, last night, when Jeff was putting the dishes away, he told me that he actually found that some of them weren't cleaned very well, so he re-washed them. We came home from work tonight and I saw the dishes (that Jeff has now washed) dry and ready to be put away in the dish rack. I thought to myself that I would probably just re-wash them all just in case. Just to be sure. But I then quickly decided that, no, I would not. I trust jeff not to kill our family with unwashed dishes, so I'm going to let it go. And, in that moment, I effing won. #winning #winnerwinnerchickendinner

And here are some good things, yo.

1. The fact that it's Friday and this is a long weekend cannot be left off of the list. I am very excite (yes, I said excite) about this.

2. I am writing four articles for the alumni magazine at work and today I finished one of them. It's nearly twice as long as it's supposed to be, so I'm going to have to cut it down, and finishing only one of four means that I'm going to be writing the other three from home this weekend (which sucks ass), but I'm not going to focus on that. I'm going to focus on how in love I am with the first one I wrote. It's a lot. I'm a lot in love with it. (This is going to make chopping it in half significantly more difficult. I am now sentimentally attached. Wish me luck.)

3. I started trying to watch the Story of JonBenet Ramsey tonight and made it about 2 minutes in before I had to turn it off. They showed a photo of the crime scene. You can't see her little body, but you see a blanket, and I presume she's under it. And then in another shot, they showed her little hand and that was it. This, clearly, is not my "good thing" for the day, but it made me immensely thankful for my little boys, who are safe and warm in their beds. I just love them so much it actually hurts.

4. One more: our furnace was being a dillhole tonight and not working. We actually had to call a furnace guy out. (That's what they're called right? Furnace Guys? Yup, sounds right to me.) So there's $235-freaking-dollars that we'll never see again. Like almost all of my "good things" this is not in and of itself a good thing -- nor is it a good thing at all, really. But, we are able to pay for it without any difficulty. Maybe that seems dumb to say and silly to list as a good thing, but I think we are very fortunate to have a household income that can sustain unforeseen expenses which, somehow, always crop up. Thank you, for that, adulthood.

Also, why the eff do most of my good things start off by me talking about a bad thing?! What in god's name does that say about me anyway?

I am too tired to spell-check, so TAKE THAT!

DAY 13 - Thursday, October 6, 2016

So, one of the things my therapist wants me to do is start recording one good thing every day that pertains to my anxiety. This will help me to focus on the progress I'm making, rather than always framing everything negatively and feeling like I'm failing. So, unless it's something too personal to share, that will be included in my three good things list.

1. Today's anxiety win is this: on our way home from work today, my mother-in-law, who babysat Carter for the day, texted me to ask if we were on our way. I texted back and said yes, that we were on our way to pick up Gray and then heading home. My instinct was to send a follow-up text asking, "Why? Everything okay?" But I didn't.

When she sent that text, I literally thought, "Oh my god. I wonder if something is wrong and that's why she texted. Maybe Carter threw up and she's in a big hurry for us to get home." My typical reaction to this anxious thought would be to send her the "Everything okay?" text, to which I would wait for and hope that she would reply confirming that everything was fine. This, consequently would ease and (temporarily) disable the anxiety, bringing relief. This is the totally illogical pattern of anxiety. There was no evidence whatsoever that would lead me to even question if illness was the reason for her text. Jumping to that conclusion was quite the leap. This is anxiety. But in this instance, I said to myself, "Self, it is unlikely that Carter is sick. You have no evidence to support this. But, if he is sick, you can and will manage just fine. You will get home, and comfort him, and be the kind of mom he needs in that moment."

Sure enough, we got home and everything was fine. These things -- not sending the "check-in" text absolutely feel like small victories since everything in me wants to send the text. In this moment, I effing won.

2. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, but I do have a very serious addiction to Miss Vickie's Sea Salt & Malt Vinegar chips. I mean it, people. It's a real problem. I buy the huge bag from Costco and polish off the bag by myself within four days. Okay, fine. Three. Three days. God! Stop judging me!

3. I had a terrible migraine this evening. That does not belong on my good things list, but what does belong is how awesome my husband is. He bathed both kids and got them into bed while I literally laid in bed watching Friends on Netflix. He is such a good husband and he is such a good dad. I know this ends up being a good thing once a week or so, but I'm so grateful for him and I love feeling grateful. It's a good feeling.

4. One more short one: my Dad always comes to watch the boys at gymnastics. When Grayson saw him he flipped his noodle. He was SO excited. Next week, I will try to record it because it really is one of the sweetest, more heartwarming things to watch. And I know that when the kids react like that to my dad, it makes him so happy. The boys are the best part of his life, and the fact that he's a favourite of theirs just makes him beam. Yes, I'm using the world beam. And I don't even care. So take that!

DAY 12 - Wednesday, October 5, 2016

1. Today was the first snowfall of this fall/winter season. This is NOT on my positives for the day, however, Carter's reaction made the cut. He was pretty excited and said, "well, I guess it's winter now." So flipping cute. I wish I would have recorded it. Gray was interested in it, but mostly confused, I think. I so regret not snapping a picture of them standing at the window in their pj's, looking at the snow. *sigh* These little boys are somethin' else alright. 

2. We are hiring a cleaner to come in every second or third week and I'm really excited about that! She is coming over to our house next wednesday evening to meet us, see the house, and figure out logistics. I know a lot of people (who are even busier than I am) manage to keep their houses so much cleaner than I can keep mine and I wish I knew their secret, cause I just can't do it. So, for now, this should help us better manage things.

3. I had another therapy appointment today and it went really well. It always feels like we need three hours. So often, I frame things very negatively. I don't feel like I've made much progress at all, which leaves me feeling frustrated, but she points out where I have made progress and reframes things much more positively. It's not shocking, then, that going always makes me feel better.

I'll do a separate post about the appointment again, although I'm not sure when I'll get to it because my next week at work is going to be really writing heavy, so I might need a break from writing, but we'll see. I'll aim for a self-imposed deadline of next Friday.

DAY 11 - Tuesday, October 4, 2016

1. (This one is a throwback to Sunday, but I make my own rules in this god forsaken town.) We were at a birthday party on Saturday and one of the dads there said to his son, who I think is about four years old, (close to a year younger than Carter), "Remember what Grandpa says, 'No wusses, no sissies.'" I didn't hear him say it, but Jeff did and mentioned it to me and he was clearly bothered by it.

Years ago, about six months before we were to be married, Jeff and I had a very intense fight with his family. The argument progressed well beyond respectful boundaries (on all parts) and more than once, Jeff's brother, from whom Jeff is (and will remain) estranged, told him to "man up." Whatever the fuck that means. (I know what it means, but that's another very ranty blog post for which I don't have the time or energy.)

I love, so much more than I can possibly express, that I am married to a man who not only would never say something like that to either of his sons, but who is actually bothered by the fact that other men say things like that to their little boys.

This makes me proud of the dad I chose for my kids and makes me grateful to have a partner in parenthood who will help me raise our boys with a healthy framework of what masculinity is and what it means to "be a man."

2. We put the kids to bed early tonight, so I got my kitchen and dining room cleaned early. I was sitting on the couch Facebooking with my bestie at 8:00 p.m. and that was pretty kick ass.

3. It is now 9:40, and I'm going to crawl into bed as soon as I hit publish on this post. Our bed is the most comfy king size, and it is just pleading with me to hop in it. Who am I to deny it, really?

Goodnight all :-)

DAY 10 - Monday, October 3, 2016

1. I am ten days into this three good things business. My goal is (for sure) one month, but in a perfect world, I would like to go for a full year. I have tried to do this in the past (and more than once at that). "Tried" is the important word here: I have failed. I cannot remember how many days I have made it before, but I did pretty well. I feel like I'm better at it this time. Here's to irritating the ever-loving shit out of all of my Facebook friends for the next 355 days.

2. Tonight, I did dick all. I sat my lazy ass on the couch and putzed (there's that word again) around on Facebook and the interwebs. And I wrote this blog. I was also hoping to do some journalling for my therapy appointment on Wednesday (I will explain this in another post) and read through some of my OCD workbook, but I'm dead tired and it's already 9:30, and I should spend a half an hour doing some actual work from home to ease up my week. AND I should go to bed at 8:00 p.m. one night. For real. I need to catch up on sleep (who doesn't? You? Then we can't be friends.). And it's already 9:30. Yes, I know I said this twice, but it bears repeating.

3. Doing a puzzle with Carter tonight before bed. He did a 48-piece all by himself and pretty quickly. This is my kid FO SHO. I freaking love that he loves puzzles and I fantasize about he and I drinking tea and doing puzzles when he's older (he will probably actually cringe at the thought when he's older, but a gal can dream, can't she?). I love puzzles. Like, LOVE LOVE puzzles. I don't do them because I don't really have anywhere in the house to store the partially completed puzzle. This makes me sad because the actual thought, "maybe I'll do a puzzle after the kids go to bed..." makes me happy. Just the thought. Yes, I know, I'm super cool. Hip, if you will.

4. We ran into my grandparents at the mall today and I snapped this picture of Grayson taking my grandpa on a walk. This melts my heart. Like, dripping with love. Well... I take that back. Too far. That sounds weird. And Freudian. Ya'll knew what I meant. Moving on.

5. I actually had a tough afternoon. I don't know why. Well, that's only half true. I do sort of have some idea, but I'm not going to get into that here. I'm a really, really open person, but I do have to keep some cards close to my chest, and these are those cards. I'll say that I felt weird today. I felt like that awkward person who always does and says the wrong thing. I felt embarrassed about how I do things -- how much I say. That is who I am, but sometimes, it's a quality about myself that even I find annoying. I didn't feel like a winner today. Does everyone feel like a winner every single day? No, likely not. Today, though, I just felt particularly aware of my awkward self.

Carter could tell I was low and asked me, "Are you sad today, mom?" I said, "yeah, a little," and he told me I was cute and then gave me a hug and said, "there, now you won't be sad for the rest of the day." He continued to check in for the next hour are so. "Are you still sad, mom?" He's seriously such a sweet little boy. I hope he stays this thoughtful, sympathetic, and worried about how other people feel, and what he can do to make them feel happy, into his adulthood.  😍

And m

DAY 9 - Sunday, October 2, 2016

1. You'll hear this one a lot, because he's kick-ass, but Jeff let me sleep in again today. I was out, dancing my ass off last night until 1:00 a.m. last night. This makes two weekends in a row that I got the sleep in day (we only get one now that the boys have swimming early on Saturday morning). I mean, seriously. How lucky am I?

2. My little men were so good today. Happy, well-behaved, good-listening, good-eating little boys. These days are rare, so I need to really relish this one.

3. We spent some time outside today, letting the kids play, enjoying the weather and getting some yard work done. It was all stuff that desperately needed to be done and crossing those things off the list always feels good.

It's now midnight and I really should have been in bed and asleep at 9:00 p.m. since I didn't fall asleep until about 2:00 a.m. and got up at 9:00 a.m.

Me so tired.

DAY 8 - October 1, 2016

I typed this up on October 1 and then forgot to actually post it! Ooops :)

1. I felt pretty today. What the hell does it even mean to feel "pretty"? That I meet the standards of beauty manufactured North American culture, I suppose. It doesn't mean anything to be or feel pretty. And yet, it still feels nice to feel attractive every now and again.

2. I got a ton of stuff done around the house today. Again, if you were to stop by unannounced you would never know it, but it's true.

3. Jeff and I are heading out on date night. It's going to be pretty casual. Probably nachos and a drink somewhere, followed by coffee somewhere else. I'm looking forward to a few hours with him where our conversation isn't interrupted because one of us has to go wipe someone's ass. Unless something goes terribly awry...