I am still feeling very emotionally "off" today. Oddly emotional or sensitive. (No, I am definitely not pregnant.) I'm not a particularly sensitive or defensive person, but today, and yesterday, I felt off and lonely. I'm not entirely certain why. I think everyone has those days (maybe they don't?) where they feel inconsequential, unimportant, lacking in any particular gift and/or skill, and altogether uninteresting or unimpressive.
This is not a plea for pity. This is not an attempt to garner attention and this is not a sly request to hear the ways in which I am the opposite of all of those things. This is simply an account of my feelings. I'm just putting them out there. Often when I do that, the feelings lose their hold on me. This is true of my anxiety as well. I think it's got something to do with taking control back through the act of writing. At least, for me it does.
I feel mousy. That makes no sense. But I feel small and like I want to fold in on myself. I feel a little meek. A little embarrassed about my often loud voice, my tendency to tell everyone everything, my naive and very incorrect assumption that people will attempt to empathize with me, instead of judge me. I feel a little like taking a day and hiding under a blanket; talking to no one; not hearing the sound of my own voice even once just for a day.
I don't know why I feel this way. No one has done anything. No one (that I know of) has actually gossiped about me, laughed at me, teased me. I just feel vulnerable all of a sudden -- a feeling that likely comes with feeling overly emotional.
Emotions are weird and confusing and a pain in the ass. But without them, there would be no happiness and can you imagine a life without bliss? I hope not.
That was quite the digression. Time to talk about some good things.
1. I had another really productive day at work. There is little better feeling than that of being really productive.
2. I had my follow-up eye appointment at the optometrist today. They asked me to come back and redo an eye test, which I assumed meant some sort of death-by-eye disease (of course). Not so, as it turns out. My eyes are wonderfully healthy. And they are also big like alien eyes. That is not something that the eye doctor said; this is simply my own observation.
3. Last minute this evening my boss allowed me to switch around my work days so that I could be at Carter's preschool to pick him up on Thursday. He will be wearing his Halloween costume there, so I didn't want to miss dropping him off in his Paw Patrol outfit and then, just today, the preschool teacher let us know that we should come to pick up five minutes early because the kids have a little something prepared for us.
I so appreciate that my boss and workplace are flexible in this way and that I am allowed to (last minute) make changes like this so that I don't miss anything to do with my kids. I have waited my whole life to be a mom and for moments like this: little songs sung by my mini-me in a preschool class and I'm so fortunate to be in a position where I am not forced to miss those moments. <3
Anxiety Win:
Jeff had a migraine this morning and often his migraines make him nauseous. On our way to the babysitter's today, I thought he might actually need to pull over to throw up. He didn't, but I didn't feel freaked the eff out about it. I felt very whatever about it in terms of my anxiety. Literally, this kind of "close encounter" would have made me shake physically in the past, and I would have thought about it all day. But it felt like a non-event, and my bigger concern was doing whatever I could do to care for him. #SoEffingWinningAtThis #IStillDontWantTheStomachFluAtMyHouse #ImStillScaredOfGettingSick
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