So, one of the things my therapist wants me to do is start recording one good thing every day that pertains to my anxiety. This will help me to focus on the progress I'm making, rather than always framing everything negatively and feeling like I'm failing. So, unless it's something too personal to share, that will be included in my three good things list.
1. Today's anxiety win is this: on our way home from work today, my mother-in-law, who babysat Carter for the day, texted me to ask if we were on our way. I texted back and said yes, that we were on our way to pick up Gray and then heading home. My instinct was to send a follow-up text asking, "Why? Everything okay?" But I didn't.
When she sent that text, I literally thought, "Oh my god. I wonder if something is wrong and that's why she texted. Maybe Carter threw up and she's in a big hurry for us to get home." My typical reaction to this anxious thought would be to send her the "Everything okay?" text, to which I would wait for and hope that she would reply confirming that everything was fine. This, consequently would ease and (temporarily) disable the anxiety, bringing relief. This is the totally illogical pattern of anxiety. There was no evidence whatsoever that would lead me to even question if illness was the reason for her text. Jumping to that conclusion was quite the leap. This is anxiety. But in this instance, I said to myself, "Self, it is unlikely that Carter is sick. You have no evidence to support this. But, if he is sick, you can and will manage just fine. You will get home, and comfort him, and be the kind of mom he needs in that moment."
Sure enough, we got home and everything was fine. These things -- not sending the "check-in" text absolutely feel like small victories since everything in me wants to send the text. In this moment, I effing won.
2. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, but I do have a very serious addiction to Miss Vickie's Sea Salt & Malt Vinegar chips. I mean it, people. It's a real problem. I buy the huge bag from Costco and polish off the bag by myself within four days. Okay, fine. Three. Three days. God! Stop judging me!
3. I had a terrible migraine this evening. That does not belong on my good things list, but what does belong is how awesome my husband is. He bathed both kids and got them into bed while I literally laid in bed watching Friends on Netflix. He is such a good husband and he is such a good dad. I know this ends up being a good thing once a week or so, but I'm so grateful for him and I love feeling grateful. It's a good feeling.
4. One more short one: my Dad always comes to watch the boys at gymnastics. When Grayson saw him he flipped his noodle. He was SO excited. Next week, I will try to record it because it really is one of the sweetest, more heartwarming things to watch. And I know that when the kids react like that to my dad, it makes him so happy. The boys are the best part of his life, and the fact that he's a favourite of theirs just makes him beam. Yes, I'm using the world beam. And I don't even care. So take that!
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